


Alexis, Unexpected

by paramorebrighter



Series: Alexis, Unexpected [1]
Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, College, Drama, Family, Gen, Motherhood, NSFW, Pregnancy, Series, break-ups
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-21 17:43:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 56,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2476892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paramorebrighter/pseuds/paramorebrighter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexis finds herself unexpectedly pregnant when things get difficult with Pi, having a baby when she's only halfway through college. Can she keep it? Written mid-season 6 episode The Good, The Bad, the Baby. Mature themes, mentions of abortion (mentioned for trigger warnings). I laid off on the pregnancy descriptions, scaled it back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I didn't think much of it when I didn't get my period on the same date.

I usually fluctuated three days, give or take. No reason to stress about it. I waited to get the monthly pre-period cramps, bloating, and backaches, but they didn't come.

This didn't concern me. I knew well enough that my body did what it wanted.

I was a little concerned that I missed my period that month all together. I tried to tell myself that this kind of change was normal. Stress did this to a body, and it was almost finals. I was worried about finals, and I figured that did it to me.

The weekend after finals ended, I took a long nap until Pi got home. Most of my friends were coming home soon, we had a full social calendar planned. We weren't going to get to Ohio to see his family, but my dad had plans for us to come over on Christmas Eve. I had a Christmas tree already set up in our little living room, and it sparkled and glowed, casting shadows on the walls when I turned out the lights. I usally loved the Christmas season.

That night, we went to Tara's mother's apartment for a Hannaukah party. Pi and I sneaked a joint on Tara's bedroom's balcony when things got slow. It helped with my queasy stomach. He went back out to the party and I took a moment to reapply my eye make-up a little bit.

The door to the room opened. "Alexis, are you high?" Tara was standing there in her Hannaukah dress, aghast.

My jaw dropped; I honestly thought we had been discrete about it. "So what if I am? You spent six months completelyt blazed out of your mind junior year when you dating Axl Gortmacher. I didn't judge you for that."

Tara looked hurt for some dumb reason. "Alexis, this isn't like you."

"The pot-smoking? How dare you judge me for that!"

"No, just the way you're acting. You usually have an incredible bullshit meter. You're not calling this guy on his bullshit and he's got a lot of it. And now you're showing off to impress him and everyone else, like you're such a rebel."

I put a few eye drops in, gazing at myself in the mirror. "I thought you'd be happy for me. I was the last one of us to lose it. I didn't know you had to approve of who I was fucking."

"I don't like him."

"He's a really sweet guy," I responded. "You just don't  _know_  him. You're not giving him a chance!"

"I know enough to know that I don't like him."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Let's start with the way he acts around you. He's not attentive to your needs at all. He treats you like one of the guys. And rumor has it, you just brought him home to live with you and your dad without even asking him if it was okay. That's what's bothering me about him."

"My dad didn't mind."

"He just mooched until you told him what to do. He's no ambition, he not pursuing you, Alexis. He's treating you the way one of my exes used to treat his guy friends. Trust me, I think your dad  _did_  mind."

It irritated me. For the first time, I wanted to slap Tara in the face, and she was always one of my sweetest friends. She wasn't, now. "You don't know what my father and I talked about. What he said."

"My mom used to tell me how much she wished I had a relationship with my father like you have with yours. You used to date men that respected you, not men that used you."

"Maybe  _I'm_  the one using Pi," I muttered, so stoned I hardly realized I had said it aloud until the words escaped my lips.

She crossed her arms, a look of disgust on her face. "Call me when you start respecting yourself again." She walked out of the room.

Pi and I didn't stay much longer at the party.

The pot I was smoking helped with the low-level of nausea I felt sick with. I wasn't throwing up just yet, but strongly-scented cheeses made me sick to smell, so did things with a lot of spices. I only threw up once a day or so, this day it was right after making a lunch of Ramen noodles and broccoli. "Hey, babe, you feelin' alright?" Pi asked, watching me throw up in our tiny bathroom with stained porcelain fixtures.

I shook my head and splashed some water on my face, only to feel my stomach heave again. I puked up some more Ramen.

"Ramen noodles are so bad for you," he said, lighting a joint. I sometimes got the feeling he was a fruitarian for the novelty of being able to say it.

"I know," I muttered. "But we're broke. We put off Christmas until next month, just so we can pay the rent."

My stomach was completely sour, now, and he was smoking a joint, as if to mock my illness. He held it out to me to see if I'd take it. "We'll make it work."

My only way of making this work was to dip into my personal savings account or eat ketchup and mustard until my next paycheck. The idea of either did not sound appealing for me at the moment. We smoked two blunts before bed that night. I didn't want to think about how all my friends had thoughts that echoed Tara's on Pi. He was becoming someone I wanted to be with.

* * *

On Christmas Day, I was relieved to get to Dad's place, just for the free food. The moment I walked in, I felt sick, though. None of it seemed appealing to me, except the crackers. I nibbled on those to calm my stomach.

Dad attempted to make small talk with Pi. It was incredibly awkward, seeing as Dad never liked him. I didn't understand why; he was so sweet and charming and friendly. At least Dad was making the effort, unlike my Marlowe Prep friends.

"Sorry we didn't bring anything, Mr. C," he said, loading up an appetizer plate with brie and crackers. "We're kind of on a tight budget."

"I understand," Dad said, although I could see it pained him to be nice. I had lectured him about how he treated Pi, and now, I could see that he was trying to live up to treating him with respect.

"This is really good," Pi said. "Thanks for having us over."

"Anytime. It's just good to see my little girl again."

"Dad," I protested. "I'm not a little girl anymore."

"I know, I know. I can't help myself. I'll always see you like… Pi, let me show you some embarrassing pictures of Alexis as a baby!"

I groaned in frustration.

"I'd love to see it," Pi said, grinning, getting up, taking his plate with him. "Babe, I bet They're funny!"

Jim Beckett arrived and we got into a conversation about law school. I was considering it, but he tried to talk me out of it. "That will be your whole life. Women who get into law have regrets later about not having time for their kids."

"And the men don't?"

"Why do you think lawyers get divorced more often than not?"

"Good point."

"Don't you want to start a family one day, Alexis?"

I shrugged.

"Just keep it in mind," he said.

Luckily, my stomach settled by the time dinner happened, mostly because Pi and I lit up in my old bedroom upstairs while everyone else was drinking wine and eating cheese and crackers. I was able to eat, and boy was I hungry. Grams made sure I had two plastic grocery sacks full of leftovers after dinner. "I know how things get when you're living paycheck to paycheck in college," she said, kissing me on the cheek. "I packed a few extra avocados and pomegranates for Pi, sweetheart."

"I love you Grams, thank you."

"Oh, Martha, you beat me to it!" Detective Beckett said, walking into the kitchen to see me laden down with grocery sacks.

"I had a great time," I said. "Thank you so much for having us over, Detective Beckett."

"Of course," Detective Beckett said. "You know, you can call me Kate if you want. Your father and I are getting married… eventually." She rolled her eyes.

"I think that's a marvelous idea, Katherine," Grams said. "We're a family. Isn't this exciting to see how big our family's going to get?"

I nodded. "That's really sweet of you, D- Kate. I will."

She hugged me, albiet awkwardly. I didn't think she was going to be any different than Gina was. I had told myself not to get too attached to Gina when I was a kid. I knew better. I sincerely did not trust my father to be with one woman for the rest of his life.

Mr. Beckett gave us a ride to the subway stop so we didn't freeze on the way home.

"Grams gave us this for you," I said, getting out the pomegranate.

"Aww, sweet!" Pi cried, taking the pomegranate from me. "What else?"

"Um…" I searched the plastic bag. "Oh, there's some leftover roast. And a tin of rolls and some of the green bean casserole."

"Oh," he muttered, sounding disappointed.

"Well, there's like five apples, three oranges, and a whole bag full of grapes in the other sack."

"Don't mix your apples and oranges, babe!" He laughed at his own joke.

"You're hilarious."

* * *

On December 30th, my period still didn't show up. For the first time, I became really, really worried. I turned to the side in the bathroom mirror to see if I looked any different. I could see it; I was pregnant. I was sure of it. I had alienated all my best friends to be Pi's girlfriend, I had no one to talk to or get advice from. My pride was too wounded to apologize to them just yet. I was beginning to admit to myself that I had acted like an ass. I could have used their support right now, but I had devoted myself to Pi, like an idiot.

I ran down to the Duane Ready to buy a pregnancy test. I was shaking when I got home and took it. Those were the longest two minutes of my life so far. I was never a religious person, nor had my parents ever raised me in a religion, but suddenly, I became very devout.

" _God, please, please, please don't let me be pregnant_!" I whispered, kneeling down. " _I don't know how I'm going to have a baby, I'm not even done with my sophomore year. No, please let this be a false positive_!"

Maybe it was a false positive. Maybe it was something I ate. I got on my laptop and searched what could cause a false positive. Excessive amounts of protein. No, no, I was living on Ramen. Cancer? Oh God, no, I'll take a pregnancy over cancer anyday. The waterline? Sometimes, the waterline from urine made it look like a false positive. No, this was a lot stronger than a waterline. Defective test? Yes. Yes, maybe that was the case. I ran back down to the Duane Ready and when I got back, Pi was already there, smoking another joint.

"Hey, babe," he greeted me.

"Not now, Pi," I replied, going to the bathroom. I peed on the stick. Set the timer on my phone. And I waited in agony.

 _If I really am pregnant, I'll get an abortion,_  I thought.  _No one has to know. I can't screw up my college career with a pregnancy. I've worked too damn hard to have a baby now._

My phone's alarm went off and I grabbed the test off the counter before silencing it.

Positive.

No. This couldn't happen. I'd get this taken care of, and it wouldn't happen. I'd get through college, get my law degree, and go on to find a husband and make a family of my own. No, no, no. Pi and I were not ready to start a family now. Pi was one of the least responsible people I had ever dated, although I was making some progress with changing him. Did Pi even have to know?

I went back into the living room and sat down beside Pi.

"Hey," he said, handing me the joint. I took a deep drag off it. "You look stressed."

"I kind of am," I admitted. I took another drag and the colors got brighter. I felt myself relax. "Okay. Better." I handed him the joint back and picked up my laptop to settle back into my lap.

I couldn't let him see what I was going to research, so I got up from the couch and went back to the bedroom to do the search.

_Abortion Clinics New York, NY_

The Google bar spun, and a host of links came up. I clicked on the top one, thankful that New York was such a liberal state. The clinics were close for the New Year, so I had to wait until the 4th to go in. I looked up other methods of causing your pregnancy to abort itself and drinking a lot of orange juice was rumored to do the trick. I went to the grocery store in hopes it would.

* * *

I got my 1st appointment at the student clinic for January 4th. I had to see the doctor and get them to pronounce that I was pregnant before I could get referred back to Planned Parenthood. I realized what a bind I was in; I had no money (except for the emergency credit card Dad let me have and the savings account I never touched, lest he see it), and I wasn't sure how I'd hide this abortion from my father. I had been so good about not using my emergency credit card that any charge to it would raise suspicion. I had already used it enough to buy the pregnancy tests and orange juice, which had not worked. Why hadn't I used the card once-in-a-while? I berated myself for not thinking ahead. I had managed to get my birth control under insurance, and yes, I had been on birth control, why was I pregnant? It was supposed to keep you from getting pregnant, wasn't it? How could this have failed? I was furious and out of sorts and scared and angry and terrified and light headed all at once.  _This can't be…_

When I was called in, I sat on the table, nervously swinging my feet on the edge. It felt like torture, the waiting for the knock on the door. The nurse came in to get my vitals.

"What's going on that you needed to come in today?" she asked.

"I think I'm pregnant."

She nodded.

"I can't be pregnant!" I blurted out. "I'm only a sophomore in college, I'm too young to have a baby, and we're living paycheck-to-paycheck, we don't have any room-"

"Oh, honey," she interrupted, stroking my back. I realized the hysterical tears I had held back for so long had finally found their way to my eyes. She handed me the box of tissues. "It's going to be just fine. Do you know how many girls from Columbia come in here every year that are pregnant?"

"Not many?" I asked, assuming there had been a few.

"A lot more than you think. Don't panic, don't stress. We'll get you taken care of. You're in the right place, okay?"

I nodded.

"Alexis?" the doctor asked, poking her head. "Hi. I'm Dr. Westmoreland. How are you today?"

I took a deep breath and tried to unwring my hands from the fists they were clenched in.

"I think you can tell," the nurse said quietly. "Alexis thinks she might be pregnant."

I nodded, dabbing at my eyes. Dr. Westmoreland took a gentle stance. "Let me assure you that you're not the first girl to come into our clinic pregnant," she said, squeezing my shoulder. "Let's get a pregnancy test and make sure of it before we lose our heads, alright?"

"I have to have an abortion," I said. "There is no way I'm having a baby and embarrassing everyone close to me. I was always the responsible one and…" I choked on a sob.

"Every girl who's ever come in here pregnant was always responsible and smart and bright. These thing happen. The only 100% effective birth control is abstinence," Dr. Westmoreland said. "And it's completely unrealistic to try to make everyone abstinent, isn't it?"

I nodded.

"Do you know who the father is?"

"Yes. I'm living with him right now. But I don't want him to know."

"I don't think you'll be able to hide an abortion from him," the nurse said. "It takes a few days to heal and the pain… it's there. It's not a painless procedure. Now how many sexual partners have you had, sweetie?"

I couldn't take these women calling me 'sweetie' and 'honey.' It seemed a little patronizing right now. "I was so careful," I said. "I really was. Only one."

"What age did you start being sexually active?"

"Nineteen," I said. "Just last summer."

"We'll do an STD test, just for safety's sake. You never know what can cause a false positive on a pregnancy test."

I felt my stomach lurch again, I pressed the tissue to my lips.

"Do you need to throw up?" the nurse asked.

I nodded. "Yes."

* * *

That afternoon, the call came back. Yes, I was indeed pregnant- seven weeks to be exact. I had to chose within the next five weeks to get a first trimester abortion, a second trimester abortion was much, much more difficult to obtain and most of the time, it was required a medical problem with the baby. It felt so shaky, and scared and embarrassed. So many emotions flooded me, I didn't know what to do. They told me I couldn't hide an abortion from Pi, so I might as well tell him.

He came home from work that evening, and I was sitting on the couch, smoking our last joint. I was blitzed out of my mind at this point.

"I'm pregnant," I greeted him.

"Excuse me?" he asked, bewildered. I held up the two pregnancy tests in a plastic zip-lock baggie from work. He stared, horrified.

"Well?" he finally said. "What are you going to do?"

I shrugged. "I'm getting an abortion."

"Obviously," he indicated the joint.

"Obviously," I agreed. "Look, Pi. I need your help. The abortion will cost money. And I don't want to make my dad suspicious, so I can't use his emergency credit card."

He took off his gloves and hat, then his scarf, and then his coat. "I'll see what I can string together."

"I'm not ready to be a mother," I said. "I really am not. I can't have a baby right now, and I need you to support my choice. This is not going to be easy. I hate this baby already, I don't want it. It's going to ruin my education and I just can't have it right now. I just can't."

"I know you can't," he agreed, sitting down next to me. "Come on, pass." I handed him the stub a joint left.

"My father cannot find out about this. Not when he's planning a wedding. He and Kate are talking about having a baby, and right now is not the time for me to be having a child…" Pi didn't say anything. "I'd absolutely ruin their wedding if I was pregnant."

He just sat there, exhaling from it. "Well?"

"I can't have a child, either," he admitted. "I never planned on one."

"Me neither."

"Good, so we're in agreement, then. No baby."

* * *

My call from the abortion clinic came the next day. "We're actually filled up until the first week of February."

"What?" I asked, shocked. "I'm already seven weeks!"

"Ma'am, I'm sorry, we're just booked up. You can try the clinic on Long Island. Here, let me give you the number."

Long Island? How was I going to get there? We'd borrow a car if we had to. I started to run through my list of people I knew with a car who'd let me borrow it without a lot of questions. I had gotten my license, but I wasn't insured and I didn't drive very well, either. When I called the clinic, I made an appointment for the end of January, but they wanted me to get some pre-natal care, first.

"Hi, Alexis," Pi said without his usual lightheartedness as he walked in the door.

"Hi," I said. "I got an appointment for the abortion on 30th of January. The ones here in Manhattan were all booked up."

He raised his eyebrows a little. "I… um…"

"I think we can borrow a car. Did you get the money?"

"Oh no, I… Um…"

 _He didn't have the money._  I shivered. "Well, we've got a month to come up with it. How can we do it?"

"We can cut down on the amount of weed we smoke," he offered. "Um…" I wasn't sure what else was a luxury we could cut back on. "You know, I could deal a little. Nobody really cares about pot dealing on college campuses."

We were going to start dealing drugs to afford our abortion? How sad. We were just like all the things I hated; people who did drugs and were having an abortion because they were irresponsible about birth control. No, I was not irresponsible with my birth control, it just failed.

"I'll do my best to come up with the money," he said, sitting down beside me, squeezing my shoulder. "Don't worry."

I nodded, miserably, and I felt the weight of our decision crashing down on my shoulders. I was one of those people, the people I thought were so irresponsible and stupid and squandering their lives. I had always told myself I wasn't one of them because I worked hard, got good grades, had goals, and was achieving them as an independent woman. But here I was, conspiring with my boyfriend on how I'd come up with the money to pay for an abortion, and the only real option was dealing.

"We can ask your father for help," Pi offerred in a soothing voice.

"No!" I cried. I was 100% certain Dad would not react well if I told him what was going on. He'd yell at me, which he had only done twice in my life, and tell me how stupid I was, and how disappointed I made him. The idea of someone finding out how stupid I actually was, how hard I had to work to appear this smart, it made me dizzy to even think about. I wasn't actually that smart; I worked so hard to be this perfect, but I wasn't perfect enough. I was still working on it. I had never wanted to let Dad down. Of all the people in the world, even if I made decisions that he didn't like, he had never lost respect for me. I didn't want to disappoint Mom, either, and I felt like I hadn't so far. She'd be so embarrassed if I had worked this hard and screwed up like this. She'd stop loving me. Dad would resent me for embarrassing him like this. I had always been the world's most perfect kid. And I was just gaining his adult appreciation as a young woman who was handling herself and her life without less and less of his money. I was so proud of that, but babies cost money- money I did not have. "No, we're not going to ask my dad for help!"

"He's got all the money in the world!" Pi argued.

"I can't have him knowing I had an abortion!" I cried, tears coming to my eyes. Pi didn't move. "Or that I was pregnant! Ever! He tried to talk me out of moving in with you, all I'm going to hear is, 'I told you so' if I tell him I'm pregnant! I can't screw up like this! I have to have an abortion. Now! Before I really start to show and before it's too late! I can't let everyone down!"

"Fine," Pi snapped, stubbing out the joint in the ashtray as I wiped my eyes. "I'm going out. I'll see you later."

* * *

I tried to avoid our apartment the next few weeks and avoid the abortion websites, which was hard when I was doing my research on it. I started classes and pretended nothing was wrong. I was not pregnant. I did not have a little lima bean inside me, like what I saw on the ultrasound, and it was not person. No way. I had terribly vivid dreams of walking into my room in Dad's apartment to see a crib, but when I looked in, there was a small, bloody pulp in there, and I started screaming it was so disgusting. I woke up in a cold sweat each time I had that dream and I couldn't get back to sleep until I smoked some weed. Every time I caught myself thinking of the baby as a person, I had to correct myself. It was only a lump of cells, and an abortion would be the same thing as exfoliating my skin. Just cells... right?

When my birthday came up, Dad kept on emailing and calling me to go out to dinner to celebrate with him and Grams, and he insisted on bringing Kate along. I still had bouts of morning sickness, rich-smelling foods made me ill, I could only imagine how sick I'd get at a restaurant.

_Alexis,_

_I really want to take you and Pi out for dinner for your birthday. Kate and I want to do this. We've gotten you presents, and we can't wait to give them to you. Please answer my calls, I really want to take you out to dinner because I haven't seen you since Christmas and you're making me worry I did something wrong. Did I? I swear I didn't mean to do anything this time. I hate feeling like you're avoiding us. Kate really wants to see you, too, so does Grams. Can you please call me?_

_Love,_

_Dad_

I was so scared that Dad knew something. I was afraid that if I saw him, he'd guess. I didn't want him to know how badly I had screwed up. That thought terrified me. I slammed my laptop shut immediately.

I worked at the bistro in the University Center, making coffee, which actually worked out well, since the smell of coffee didn't make me sick. My apron still fit just fine, and I consoled myself that I wouldn't have to worry about this for in few days- this little lima bean shaped parasite would be gone soon enough and I'd be back to normal. I requested the time off from work, explaining I'd be out of town for a few days, and I arranged my assignments with my professors.

The money for the abortion was kept in a jar over the radiator in our apartment. I had started saving my tip money in that jar, along with whatever Pi saved for it, too. We counted it every night.

My birthday didn't feel that exciting this year. I was so stressed out, I didn't want to celebrate it. After a long day at work, came home and climbed the steps to my apartment, feeling queasy, and opened the door.

Dad was sitting on our futon with Pi.

"Dad!" I shouted, surprised.

"Hi, Alexis," he said, standing up. "Pi and I were just talking about your birthday and how I've been emailing and calling, and you haven't responded."

"Hey, babe," Pi said, jovially. I could tell he was a little stoned this early in the evening. "I didn't know your dad wanted to take us out to dinner on your birthday. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I uh… I um…"  _I'm pregnant._  "I've been really busy. I'm sorry, Dad, I wasn't expecting my first few days back this semester to be so insane, I kept on meaning to get back to you."

Dad could tell when I lied. I knew he knew something was up.

"Why don't we take them up on it?" Pi asked. "I'm starving!"

"Uh..."

"Come on, when was the last time we went to a restaurant?"

"I'd love to take you out, honey. It's your birthday," Dad said.

"It's not a big birthday," I admitted. "Next year, though! We'll have a big party, I can legally drink, and you and Kate will be married and…"

"Every birthday's a big birthday. Come on, don't you remember that Barney birthday party we had when you were four? You had a blast," Dad started. I hated it when he reminisced my childhood.

"Dad, I'm not into Barney any more," I said quietly.

"I would love to go," Pi said. "Can you give us like a half hour to get ready?"

I shot Pi a look to stop, but he completely missed it.

"Actually, can we make it at eight or so? I need to get home and change," Dad said, standing. He came up to me and kissed me on the cheek, giving me a card with my name written on it. "Happy birthday, honey."

* * *

"I hate lying to my dad," I said, straightening my hair out with my flat iron in the mirror in the bedroom. I glanced down at the card Dad had gotten me; it was cutesy and funny and sweet, about how I was the best daughter ever, and I felt so guilty for lying to him. If I could just get that abortion, the lie would be over and Dad would be none the wiser. "I really do. I can't believe you just told him we'd go."

"Relax, babe," Pi said. "Free food, right?"

"You're a fruitarian!" I snapped. "What the hell are you going to eat at a restaurant?"

"I don't know, I'll find something. Don't worry."

"Don't worry?" I repeated, shaking. I dropped the flat iron and it bounced on the floor. " _Don't worry?_  I'm trying to hide that I'm pregnant here and you want to mooch off my dad because it's my birthday!"

"Alexis!" he cried, surprised, wiping his neck off from the shaving foam.

"What? There are bigger things in life than getting treated by someone with money!"

"You really think I'm a mooch?"

"We have no money for an abortion, but we've got plenty of money for you smoke weed."

"Hey, you smoke, too!" At that moment my phone rang. It was Grams.

"It's Grams, shh!" I hissed. I hit the answer button. "Hello?"

"Hi, darling!" she sang. "We're downstairs, are you ready, yet?"

"Almost," I said. "Pi's still getting dressed and I'm almost done with my hair."

"Good, we've got a reservation for eight-thirty at Peacefood Cafe," Grams said. "It's raw vegan food, there will be something for Pi."

"We'll be down in a moment," I said, picking up my flat iron again. "We'll hurry. Bye." I hung up the phone. "Shit." I whispered.

"It's not that hard to hide a pregnancy when you're less that three months. I knew a girl back in Copenhagen that hid her pregnancy until she was six months along. And what about that show  _I Didn't know I was Pregnant_?"

"I almost blurted it out in front of my dad tonight!" I cried. "I can't believe you let him in!"

"Just lie, Alexis. It's okay to lie to protect somebody."

His words hurt me. No matter what I told myself, it still hurt to keep the truth my Dad and Grams. "He knows. I know he knows somehow, he's going to try to get it out of me."

"Just finish your hair," he said, pulling a polo on over his head. "He doesn't know a thing."

Downstairs, Grams was standing by the backseat of the car, and Dad was illegally parked with the engine running. "Hello, sweetheart!" Grams cried, opening her arms to hug me.

"Hi, Grams," I said.

"Happy birthday! We are so excited to get to take you both out! Hello, Pi! So good to see you!"

"Hi, Mrs. R, it's good to see you too," Pi said, his spark back. He hugged her. Kate was sitting in the passenger seat, and rolled her window down.

"Hi!" she said, waving at me. "Happy Birthday! I'd get out, but it's freezing!"

"Hi, Kate."

Grams let me into the car and I slid over to the far end of the backseat. "Hi, Dad."

"Hi, Alexis! Happy Birthday!"

"Thanks. Thank you so much for taking Pi and me out."

"Of course. You're still my baby."

"She's a grown up," Pi added. I saw Dad's head whip around to throw him a glare. I didn't feel like correcting Dad. Pi kind of deserved it.

Kate was telling us about the new standards at the police station and how it was so confusing and irritating, and Captain Gates was trying to put her foot down on it. I felt a little bored by the story, in general, but I kept on asking her questions. We arrived at Peacefood Cafe, where Dad dropped us off and we went in to claim our reservations while he parked. They had us at a really nice table in the back corner for privacy, which was really kind of my father to reserve. He arrived and sat down with us.

"So, the big news is that we reserved a venue for the wedding," Kate said, glowing.

"Oh, Katherine!" Grams cried. "Where is it?"

"My house," Dad said, sitting down beside her. "We're going to have the wedding and reception in the Hamptons in late August. It'll be great; we'll just have to get a permit, but it should be fine!"

"That perfect" I added, feeling a little robotic.

"And… we've decided we're going to try to have kids," Kate added. She was practically lighting up the room with her joy. "Right after the wedding!"

I felt my stomach lurch.

"Excuse me," I said, getting up.

"I'll order for ya, babe!" Pi called after me as I raced to the bathroom to puke.

I mostly vomited bile. Just the idea of having a child, and having it be such a joyful event was so foreign to me at the moment. And why did she have to share something so private and personal, that might not work out, in front of all of us? I had heard horror stories about women who invested thousands on in vitro fertilization and other fertility treatments for various reasons when they couldn't conceive. What if Kate couldn't conceive, yet she was telling everyone she was going to have a baby, but she wasn't pregnant, yet?

After vomiting and waiting on my stomach to calm down, I flushed the toilet. I was made up, so I didn't want to wash my face, but I wet down a paper towel with cold water at the tap and squeezed it before pressing it to my forehead. The door to the bathroom suddenly swung open, and Kate was standing there.

"Hi," she said, walking in. "Are you feeling alright?"

I shook my head. "I'm a little sick. Flu going around Columbia."

"Yeah, Pi said you haven't been feeling very good lately. Have you had your flu shot?"

I shook my head, and forced a smile. "No. Big mistake, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so." She went to the toilet stall and shut it, but she didn't stop talking. "I'm so, so excited about the wedding. We're planning our honeymoon for Italy, and we're going to take a few stops up to Switzerland and Germany. I've never been to Switzerland, think I can stash some money there?"

"Oh sure, yeah," I said. "IRS will never catch on."

The toilet flushed and she came back out. "I just want to let you know, I'm so excited about being your stepmother. Maybe we can have a girl's weekend or something at my Dad's cabin in Vermont, just you and me, before the wedding. I'd really like to get to know you better."

"Wouldn't an afternoon of manis and pedis with Soy Lattes be more time-effective?" I asked as she washed her hands.

"I guess so," she said. "I'm sorry, I know you've got a lot of school work this semester. It gets worse your junior and senior year."

I nodded. "It probably will."

"Are you sure about declaring yourself as pre-law?" she asked, drying her hands on the papertowels.

I nodded. "Yes. One-hundred per cent. Nothing's going to get in my way."

"You know, my dad would probably still love to talk you out of that if he hasn't tried already," she said, smoothing her knee-length cocktail dress with her hands in the mirror and turning to the side. She seemed kind of fidgety and nervous suddenly. I felt her stalling. "Alexis," she said, turning to me. She twisted her hands a little bit. "Would you like to be one of my bridal attendants?"

"Like- your-"

"One of my bridesmaids, yes."

I opened my mouth, but stuttering out. "I- I would- I'd love to," I finally spat out. I had looked up to Kate as a career woman, and now all that was changing. She wanted to be a bride and start a family now. Sometimes, she was the funnest person in the world to be around, I loved it sometimes when she paid attention to me. It was like the sun was shining on me when it was just us and she was giving me advice in a time of need. But when she started intruding on the events that had always been father/daughter with me and Dad and ruining them, just her presence was annoying as hell. I felt sick that all that was in jeopardy at this moment and I should have said no. If she and Dad ever found out I was pregnant... It would be very, very bad. I had to be as compliant as possible.

"Oh good," she said, looking relieved. She hugged me, and I went along with it, although I didn't want it. "I'm going to be a part of your family, and your father's going to be so happy to hear this." She took my hand and lead me out of the bathroom to the table.

"I thought you had fallen in or something," Dad joked when we got back to the table.

"I went ahead and ordered for you," Pi said. "A raw curry carrot salad and the turfukey and parsley cakes."

"Sounds good," I lied.

"The good news is," Kate started. "Alexis agreed to be one of my bridesmaids!"

"I'm so happy you said yes," Dad said, grinning. "I think this is going to be a beautiful friendship between you two?"

I nodded, a small, soundless burp bringing up the bile taste again, which tasted like sour vomit in my mouth. "Yeah," I agreed.

* * *

I don't know how I did it, but I managed to get through the entire dinner without direct conversation about me. I kept on bringing it back to Dad and Kate's wedding plans, and pretending to be excited about it. She wanted to talk about centerpieces, bridesmaid dress colors, the flowers that would be in her wedding. I kept on asking questions about them. All the while, the abortion I was planning on kept on intruding into my thoughts; it was coming up so fast. Most of my meal I couldn't stomach; I took it home for Pi. I was planning on settling my stomach with saltines tonight.

Once we arrived home, I stuck the take-home container in the fridge and kicked off my heels before going to the radiator and got the abortion jar. I took off the lid and dumped the money out, counting it. Dad gave me some cash so I could get a pair of flats that didn't have holes in the soles for my birthday present that I could work in, and I added that money in, too.

I counted it. Four-hundred-and-two dollars and eighty-six cents.

An abortion for my birthday. What a present.

"Did you request off for my appointment?" I asked Pi.

"Oh," he said, surprised. "You want me to go with you?"

He didn't think that I wanted him there with me during something so terrible and so painful? "I can't drive myself home, Pi!" I cried in shock. "They're going to be forcing my cervix open and sucking out the fetus!"

"It's only a few cells, how bad can it be?"

I felt a bit insulted. "Pi, are you just trying to upset me?" I asked.

"That's how you talk about it!" Pi shouted. "Just a couple of cells, that's all it is! It's not a person!"

"This procedure is a big deal! I'll need a ride home! I can't get home from Long Island on my own after this! It's an incredibly painful experience, I'm going to be incapacitated for a few days!"

"I'm so glad you're doing this, Alexis," he muttered. "I'm so not ready to be a dad."

"How do you think  _I_  feel?" I asked.

"It's all about you, isn't it?"

My jaw dropped. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I blurted out, every sense of ladylike composure evaporating quickly.

"Ever since you found out you were pregnant, all you ever worry about is yourself and this abortion! I feel like you've forgotten about me! When was the last time we had sex? You don't even care about that anymore!"

"This is some serious shit I'm getting!" All my lady-like composure was gone, officially. "This could sterilize me if it goes wrong, damnit! I could end up in the hospital if this doctor isn't any good and botches this! This is like major surgery! It's a huge deal!"

Pi looked at me, his jaw trembling. He looked like he was about to cry, but he grabbed his coat. "I'm going out."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis faces a hard truth and finds out that she can't hide secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. The most betaing I do is listening to Apple read my writing aloud.

The next day when I woke up, Pi still hadn't returned. Once this abortion was over, things would be fine. I sent him a text.

_Pi, I'm sorry. This is really traumatic and scary for me, too. Once this abortion is over and I recover, we can all go back to normal._

I waited to see if he'd respond.

Nothing. I had to get to class and work. I wished I had my friends, still. My pride was still too wounded to admit that Pi wasn't really boyfriend material, although I felt like he had made a lot of improvements. I wasn't willing to admit that to them. I wished I had my close friends right now.

I opened up my text messages and sent a new one out to my old friends from Marlowe Prep as I put my phone away for my shift in a locker.

_I know you all hate my boyfriend, and I'm starting to understand why. He's a been a douche. Can you ever forgive me for how I acted during the holidays? -A_

This relationship had been a huge mistake on my part. I opened my phone to see if Pi had responded at all while I was working when my shift was over. Nothing. But I did have a few texts from my old friends, Tara being the first one.

_You know you can't ever change a man, Alexis. But yes, I love you too much to stay angry with you._

_Are you breaking up with him?_

I wasn't sure. Was this abortion going to end our relationship?

 _I don't know. But I love you, too._ I texted back. I called her, but got her voicemail. I left her a tearful message that I was sorry and that I should have trusted her take on him, because I was starting to see what everyone else did. I had been blinded; he was my first, I thought he could do no wrong. He was a user, and he could. Obviously.

When I got home, I knew Pi had been there. I reached for a joint out of habit, but put it down. I had to stop clouding my logic with weed, especially right now. There were chores to do, anyway.

Turning on the bedroom light, I noticed the laundry basket was empty, save for my pajamas-

Wait.

I grabbed the drawer to the dresser we had found in the Goodwill shop and yanked it open. All of his clothes were gone. "Shit!" I shouted. "Shit shit shit!" In the bathroom, his shaving kit was gone, and in our closet, all of his things were gone. Something else occurred to me: I gasped and ran to the abortion fund jar and opened it up to see that it was completely dark inside. "No!" I gasped. "No!" I shook it, and nothing rattle in it, not even a penny. He had left with the money. Shit. I collapsed onto the futon and sobbed into my hands.

* * *

After much thought and having a complete breakdown, I decided was going to come clean to Dad and ask him for help. I sent him a text.

_Dad, can I come over? I really need your advice and support on something._

_Anything. What's going on?_ he texted back.

 _I'll tell you when I get there._ I responded.

_OK, Kate & your grandma aren't home. I'm all yours._

I cried the entire time on the subway. My tears pretty much froze to my face as I walked through TriBeCa to Dad's loft. It was finally time for me to admit to him that I had fucked up so badly it could ruin my life. I dreaded how he'd treat me once I told him. Kate wasn't home, neither was Grams, thankfully. I wasn't ready for their take on this.

Dad had probably been writing when he answered the door.

"Hi, honey," he said. "What's happened?"

"Dad, I'm in a little bit of trouble."

"Is it money?"

"No… Well, sort of. Dad, can we sit down? And will you promise not to scream at me and get mad? I really need some help right now and I'm really, really scared…"

I sat down on the couch. I think Dad could tell by the grim look on my face that what was going on was actually really bad.

"I have to tell you something, and I'm so scared." I tried to gather up every ounce of courage, if the paralysis of fear hadn't already taken over.

Dad looked horrified suddenly. "Alexis, don't tell me…"

"Dad, I'm so sorry," I said, bursting into fresh tears. My face felt hot, and I was nauseated, my stomach felt like there was a drill inside, twisted and turning. "We were so careful, we really were, and we didn't plan this-"

"Weren't you using some kind of contraception? I'd have paid for the pill if you needed it, I thought you already had that taken care of-"

"I did! I was on the pill, I swear it! Obamacare covered it on our insurance, I made sure I got on it once I got back from Costa Rica with Pi!"

Dad stood up and rubbed his face, and began to pace.

"I scheduled an abortion in Long Island for Friday. It was the only place that would take me, everywhere else is booked up-"

"Does Pi know?"

I nodded somberly. "I'm so sorry I kept this from you. I was so scared of letting you down. We had all the money saved up, but I got home and the jar was empty and all his things were gone- Dad, I think he's left me. We were breaking up anyway and- I'm so scared! I'm so scared!" I sobbed.

"Alexis, come here," Dad said. I stood up, feeling shaky. He held me for a long time, while I cried. "We'll get through this," he promised after I had cried for a while. "I love you so much, these things happen. They just do. We've always gotten through difficult moments and we'll be fine. Are you sure this is what you want?"

I nodded. "A hundred percent. I'm not ready to be a mom. I'm really not."

"I'll take you myself. Come on, you want some ice cream? Would that make you feel better?"

I shook my head. "No, not really."

"That's why you've been avoiding me, isn't it?"

I nodded again. "I'm so scared, Dad."

"I never thought this would happen to you. So Pi skipped out?"

I nodded. "His clothes, his shoes, his shaving kit, it's all gone. The money is gone, and… I guess he's just left me to be pregnant and alone."

"Son of a bitch, I've always hated that kid. No, no, I'm sorry, Alexis, I shouldn't say these things in front of you."

"I thought everything would go back to normal once I had the abortion," I whispered. "He left."

"No, Alexis. An abortion is not an 'do over' button you can press at any time," Dad said. "At least I know it won't be for you. I know you too well. Things are going to be different for you from here on out. Everything will be different. Something like an abortion… it changes you."

* * *

Apparently, while I went up to my old bedroom and climbed into the bed and cried some more, Dad texted Grams and Kate, because Grams came home, flipping out.

"Alexis!" she shouted up the stairs. "Where are you?"

"Up here," I called down. Grams came up the stairs and threw open the door, looking panicked.

"It wasn't the flu, was it?"

I shook my head. She collapsed on the bed beside me and squeezed me tightly in her arms. "Oh, my dear, darling granddaughter. You have to be terrified."

"Trust me, I am," I muttered. "I thought... I thought everything would work out."

"We all do. I went through this fear myself, when I got pregnant at nineteen," she said into my scalp. "Are you sure you want to get this taken care of?"

I nodded. "I'm sure. Did you feel that way when you had Dad?"

She shook her head. "I didn't really have a lot of choice. My parents packed me up and sent me to a convent to have him with a group of nuns. They scared the hell out of me, made me scrub floors on my hands and knees until I was too big, and then made me iron and wash the church's laundry and threatened I'd do that until I broke my water in front of the ironing boards. Is it any wonder I broke out and took off to New York once I could?"

I shook my head. "No. Not at all." I curled into her, and inhaled her Chanel No. 5. It was a comforting scent right now.

"I raised Richard with the help of another order of nuns. They watched him the first few years. I'm just glad you have this option," she said softly. "Richard and I had some lean years, my dear. I'm so glad you won't. You know, all those times I tried to make Richard accept Pi, and he does this to you… To hell with that bastard for running off."

"So, I'm doing the right thing?" I asked, uncertain.

"In your situation, I don't know," Grams said. "You're an adult who moved out on her own, this is part of being an adult. I sometimes wonder, had I not been so sheltered and uncertain about my choices, would I have chosen that when I got pregnant with Richard? It scares me that women are still shamed for having sex or for even getting birth control and for accidentally getting pregnant. You know I was on the pill when I got pregnant?"

"No, you were? So was I!"

"Runs in the family, huh, kid?" For the first time, I caught myself cracking a smile as she rocked me back and forth. I felt that grinding, drilling fear sensation in my stomach slow for a moment. "I knew something was wrong at your birthday. And for a while, too. How far along are you?"

"Eleven weeks," I admitted.

"Well, you're a Rogers," she said, squeezing me. "We're tough. We'll get through this and come out on the other side shining."

* * *

When Kate came home, she looked at me with so much pity on her face. "Oh, Alexis," she said. I felt angry at that moment. I didn't need her pity or sympathy. She didn't know a damn thing about me or Pi. I could see it in her eyes; I was the dumbass who wasn't on the pill and was having sex, but she was leaving that lecture to my father. This was one of those times she annoyed the hell out of me. "I'm so sorry. It's all going to work out-"

"Kate," I said, holding up a hand. "This is really private. And I don't know you really, really well, so can you please just leave me alone?"

She looked a bit offended for a moment, and then her expression softened. "I'm here for you, Alexis. And I'm not going to breathe a word to anybody, I promise."

I guess that was the best she could do, even though she was the last person I wanted to know about this. "Thanks… I guess."

"We're completely on your side, okay? Whatever you choose-"

"Kate, just leave me alone, okay?" I stammered out. I didn't want her acting like my mother. I wished I had a mother right now that would do that, anyone but her. Perfect, pretty Kate Beckett, who solved murders and saved lives that my father loved so much he didn't even bother to tell me he had proposed... No.

"Oh," she said softly. I could see the embarrassment and hurt on her face. "Okay." She left the room and went downstairs.

* * *

I didn't feel any better after telling Dad. I could feel his disappointment in me. I stayed at his place the next day, not leaving. Grams made sure I was eating, and brought up pasta and steamed vegetables for dinner the next night, telling me that I'd need to keep my strength up for this "procedure". Nobody in the house could say "abortion." Dad made plans for us to stay at his place in the Hamptons while I recovered, and told me to pack. I had a pair of old yoga pants and a pair of mint-colored PINK sweatpants left at Dad's place that I stuffed into a suitcase with a long-sleeve t-shirt. I knew I was just going to be in bed, in pain for a few days, with nothing stronger than over-the-counter pain meds. I didn't see Kate, nor did I want to.

All my research made me sick; when I watched the video on the internet, they showed a little lima bean figure in an X-ray getting broken up and sucked out by a tube. It made me sick to watch. I was going to be the one authorizing a doctor to do that to my little lima bean. I'd be doing that. The thought made me tremble inside. Why was I looking at abortion videos on the internet anyway? Just to overthink things? No, this was just a lump of cells, not a person. Not a person.

On Friday morning, Dad and I brought our suitcases to the foyer, and Grams hugged me for a long time. "I know this is going to be hard, but this is your choice, your decision. And I support you one hundred percent. I love you so much."

"Thanks, Grams."

"If you need me, just call, and I will come down, wind, rain, or snow, I am your grandmother, and I am with you whenever you need me."

I nodded. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Kate never came out of the master bedroom.

I sat in the passenger side, watching the city in the slushy grey stuff that passed for snow as we rode along over the George Washington Bridge to Brooklyn, and then down to the Long Island Expressway. The traffic was lighter, since Dad and I had left around nine. We didn't talk or even turn on the music until we got onto the LIE.

"I can't wait for this to be over," I muttered.

"Why do you say that?"

I shrugged. "Because... I thought things would go back to what they were."

"This is a major life-changing event. Things are never going to be the same."

I sighed and looked out the window. "Dad, do you look at me differently now?"

"I look at you the same way I always did. Someone who hasn't been on this earth that long and I need to walk you through growing up. That's my role."

"But having an abortion, do you think that's wrong?"

"Honestly, honey? For you? Yeah, I kind of think it is."

"So you're judging me?"

"You know that your mother and I weren't married when we conceived you, right?"

I nodded.

"I had the option to walk away when your mother told me she was pregnant. But I didn't."

"I wish Pi had stuck by my side," I muttered.

"I had to stick around."

"Why?"

"Because I went to see your first ultrasound, and there you were, this little person with the outline of heart, and it was beating..."

I was person in the womb?

"Dad..."

"I loved you the first moment I saw that ultrasound," he said. "I knew I was put on this earth to be your father. That's why I didn't run. That's why I did the natural thing. I've never regretted it, even when your mother left. I loved you."

"I was just a lump of cells. It's a parasite."

"You were a person. All I could think of was that I wanted to hold you to my chest and feel your heartbeat. I did that the day you were born. I felt so much when they handed you to me. That night, I laid down on the hospital couch with my shirt off and pressed you- all you were wearing was your diaper- to my chest, and I felt it while you slept," Dad was grinning as he watched the road, remembering. I saw a tear slid down his cheek which he tried to be discrete about wiping. My own eyes were filling with tears and blurring my vision. "Your little heartbeat. It synced with mine, and our hearts beat together until I had to put you back into your crib, eventually. It was the single most magical moment of my life, it changed me so much. You remember that Aerosmith song, _I don't want to miss a Thing_? The first time I heard it, I thought about you. Every time I hear it, I think about you, actually. I've never regretted being your father. Ever. Even if you were a surprise."

"And an accident."

"A happy accident. The best accident ever in my life."

"Do you love me any less for this?"

"What? Honey, no! Your mother and I were in the same situation, I have no room to judge you. I still love you just the same, even if you're deciding to do this."

"So you're saying it's a mistake to have an abortion?"

"Honestly? In your case? Right now? Yes. It's not like there's a problem with this baby. It's not killing you. It's not ruining your life. I'd be okay with you deciding to have an abortion if you were raped or the baby wasn't going to survive once it was born, but this is different. I don't think this is just a lump of cells growing inside you, this is a person, not a parasite. I know you, Alexis. So well. There's a wild side to you that you've been indulging in the last few months, and it's catching up with you with this surprise. I think you'd be a great mom if you decided to have a baby."

"I don't know how I'd do it. It's hard enough to feed myself, let alone feed another person."

"That's what breastfeeding is for."

"Dad, I don't want to raise a child is abject poverty."

"Who says you have to? You can move back in with me."

"But you and Kate are getting married!"

"Kate would be okay with it."

"Are you sure?"

"She told me she's be okay with you moving back in to have the baby if you changed your mind. And I'd never let a grandchild of mine want for anything. As long as I'm alive."

I had been so rude and dismissive of her when she tried to comfort me last night. She had avoided me, but was offering to let me interfere with her life with my father. "I'll never finish college."

"Sure you can. Grandpas are built-in babysitters. And think of Wendy Davis. She went to Harvard Law after she got divorced and was a single mother and didn't get any help from her family. Yeah, she struggled, but now she's a leader with a cause and very successful. And you've got a father who'd help you financially. You're smart enough to go to law school, even if you do have a baby."

"I don't feel very smart."

"This was accident. Accidents happen to the best of people, the smartest of people. You always act like the world would end if everybody found out that you weren't perfect. I want you to know that it's not a big deal if you're not. You're not a bad person, no more than this baby is a bad person. There are so many people out there that would still love you even if you did have a baby by yourself."

"You're not disappointed?"

"I was a little bit at first. But that was just me not thinking of you as a human being with needs. I know you want to be socially accepted and Pi offered that to you."

"You think I was with Pi for all the wrong reasons?"

He shrugged. "I like to tell myself that. This was a moment I had to look at you from a non-parental point of view. As a young woman, not my daughter. And I realized that sex was something you really wanted to experience."

"Yeah, kind of," I muttered. "I think I justified a lot of things in Costa Rica. I wanted to fit in so badly there."

"I know the feeling. It seems safe to fit in. There's safety in a crowd. But the truth is, it's dangerous to fit in too much sometimes."

"So I was being really stupid when I started sleeping with Pi?"

"No, you're not stupid. I can see why you did it. My dream for you is that you'd fall in love with somebody who'd stick up for you. And protect you. And give everything he had for you. And if he got you pregnant, he'd come to me first and tell me he had no intention of leaving you and take responsibility for the both of you. Alexis, I don't want you to _not_ have sex. I want you to be with someone who's in it because he's cares about you more than himself. I got the feeling you were giving more of yourself than Pi ever was giving to you."

He was right. Pi took advantage of everything he was ever offered and never offered it back in anyway. I had been so blind to not see it. Why had I thought he was so special? I looked back on everything between us; I had spent most of the time nagging him, bossing him around, telling him what to do. He just put up with it and never stood up to me. "He was an incredible loser, wasn't he?" I whispered.

"What?"

"Pi was a loser," I said in a stronger voice. It felt funny coming out of my mouth, as if the words didn't fit. How had I wasted so much time with him? "An incredible loser."

"I hate to break it to you, honey, but he was. Everybody told me not to lecture you and not to try to break the two of you up. Everybody could see that you weren't his first concern, but you couldn't be told that."

"All that time, I tried to change him."

"And you couldn't. I hated seeing you wasting so much of your time and efforts on him. Men aren't projects to improve upon."

I had always been so bossy with my exes, why hadn't I seen that in myself? Looking at myself honestly was really hard. I wasn't always a likable person when I thought about it. I was kind of controlling at times, and I knew it wasn't pretty. I couldn't control my mother into being there for me by being perfect, and I couldn't control the way Pi reacted to me by nagging him, deep down. He showed his true colors when things got too rough, and he was running away from me. Could I live a life imperfect and with a baby? "Dad, you said I'd be a good mom when the time right, didn't you?"

"Yes, of course you will be."

"And you think abortion is wrong?"

"There is no right or wrong with abortion," he responded.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's too much of a grey area," he said. "And I think about how this isn't going to ruin your life to have this baby. It'll only be a change."

"Yes, it will ruin me," I whispered, wiping the steam from the passenger window.

"How will it ruin you?"

"I won't be able to make good grades."

"You don't know that. I know you could, even with a baby. You're due in what? August? Take the fall semester off to adjust to being a parent. Maybe it'll take you a little longer to graduate, but I won't let you fail."

"And you'd let me move back in with you if I had the baby?"

"Of course."

I shifted in my seat.

"Just think about it. It's never too late until you're in the stirrups. You want some breakfast?"

"What?"

"Breakfast?"

"Second breakfast?" I asked.

"We could always go for second breakfast! And then elevensies!"

I finally smiled. "Yes, please."

Dad and I stopped at Carl Jr's and got sausage biscuits, he got a coffee, and I got a decaff. We didn't stay to eat, but got back on the road.

"You really think I'd be a good mom?" I asked Dad.

"At the right time, yes. You'll be a great mom."

"But you think I'm not ready now?"

"No, Alexis, it's up to you if you're ready or not to have a baby. I wish you would, but you can't have me making decision for you your whole life."

I got out my iPad and opened up the notepad document.

"What are you doing?" Dad asked.

"Making a list of pros and cons to convince myself."

"Alexis, why do you want to do this?"

"Have the abortion?"

"Yes."

"Because I'm personally broke. I'm not done with college," I said. "A baby would make finishing school and getting into law school really, really hard." I started typing key words in.

"People with children get into law school all the time."

"But I'd have the baby around the time you and Kate got married."

"I'm sure Kate would be fine with rescheduling the wedding."

I deleted that one. "You'd let me live with you to have it?" I asked, typing it into the pro section.

"Yes."

I considered what it would be like to have the baby. Dad said I could move home. Living at home would make things easier to have a baby, but then again… "I'm so scared of what people will think of me if I have a baby on my own."

"Alexis," Dad said. "People are going to judge you no matter what."

"But I'll be living at home with you instead of being out on my own like a normal adult."

"So what? A lot of millennials are living at home with their parents after finishing college, looking for jobs."

I sighed. It seemed like a frightening thing to have an abortion. I already thought of my pregnancy as a lima bean. I had been so set on having an abortion, though. A cute lima bean of my very own… The idea of having my own baby… This suddenly seemed very doable. I knew I had been fooling myself when I told myself this pregnancy was just a parasite and a clump of cells to discard. It was another person, growing inside me. I knew I would not be okay if I had an abortion for birth control. Maybe other women would be fine, but I would not. I played with the idea of having it. I was already pregnant, why not? Dad believed I could finish school, even if I had it. And it wasn't like they could legally kick me out of Columbia if I had a child. I didn't have to let my professors know I was pregnant and having a child. It wasn't my professor's business if I was married or not. I could avoid that conversation. My private life was nothing for them to know about. I was certain that Columbia had had a few married women on campus that were pregnant like any other school.

I watched as the world turn into the hedges and old colonial estates. We were going to a small, tucked away clinic. This was one of the clinics that the super-rich used. A lot of the super-rich had abortions to hide it when their birth control failed. Were we really so different?

"It's never too late to change your mind," Dad reminded me as we pulled into the parking lot a half hour early. The directions I had been emailed told me not to eat much before the procedure, so we were skipping lunch. There were no protesters outside this place. Dad took my hand. "This doesn't 'un-make' your pregnancy."

"I'm going to do it," I muttered. "I really screwed up, didn't I?" I reached for the door handle, but my hand stalled.

"Yes, you did. But I'm always going to be proud of you for making your own choices. And I will always love you. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me love you any less. If you back out of this abortion and have the baby, it's not going to change anything when it comes to you and me. Either choice... you'll have to be strong, Alexis. Really, really strong."

As if by magic, the radio station played the familiar strains of an orchestra, a song we both recognized. Steven Tyler's voice strained through the speakers. It was sign, skeptical me was sure of it.

"I swear, I didn't do any of this," Dad claimed, holding his hands up in an _I surrender_ gesture.

I took a deep breath. Dad was right; I personally would never be the same if I had an abortion. This was like chewing my leg off because it was caught in a trap and nobody was coming to save me, since Pi had run out on me. But was it really so bad to have a baby on my own? Dad was right; I had to be strong, either way. It suddenly dawned on me how the choice of abortion would be a weak choice on my part. It would be me failing not only myself, but this little person who wanted to be born. I finally admitted to myself that I felt something towards my little Lima Bean already. Sitting in this car on a cold and rainy day in an abortion clinic's parking lot, I realized this was one of the biggest make-or-break decisions of my life. It would determine how I'd see myself forever.

"We still have time to decide," Dad said quietly.

He was right; there was no "unmaking" this pregnancy. Abortion didn't do that for me. Somebody else, maybe, but not me. The choice to terminate my pregnancy was taking what looked like the easier path on my part. I'd never respect myself or see myself as strong ever again if I backed out. I thought about my fetus, the little Lima Bean, this was a baby, a human being. Kate and Dad solved murders of other human beings every day. I had seen the outline of what was probably the little nervous system and the cardiac system in the ultrasound. All I could think was that this was a person, not a clump of cells. I had the option to destroy that little nervous system to keep the outer visage that I was a good, perfect girl. But did a good, perfect person do that? Deep down, I'd never see myself as a good, perfect person ever again. Dad and Kate caught killers every day. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. Having a baby wasn't even a crime, although for me, it felt like it was. But stopping a person from living just because I was embarrassed and had been fucking a loser and didn't realize it? It struck me how selfish and stupid that was. This baby posed no threat to my life. I'd never live with the guilt of stopping his or her heart forever. I wanted to meet this little person and apologize for thinking they'd ruin me. This little baby was completely innocent and I was the one who had been fucking a selfish, spineless idiot, against everyone's good advice. It was me that had been stupid and made the mistake of choosing crappy, generic birth control over the name-brand, too. I couldn't believe how many childish excuses I was making to justify this abortion. It was not right for me. Or for my Lima Bean. I felt so much love for my Lima Bean, finally; love that I had shut down and not allowed myself to feel. "Dad, I want to have this baby."

"You do?"

"I don't want an abortion."

"You're sure?"

A sob escaped my lips. "Yes. I love this baby already and I've got to be strong. I'll never be strong again if I back out like this. But you promise you'll help me?"

"Of course. I'm going to be right behind you. We're going to make this work. We're a family, remember? You could do worse things than bring an innocent, precious new person into our family."

I burst into fresh, relieved tears. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged me over the gear shift panel. I didn't want him to ever let me go.

"I love you so much, Alexis. I really do. And I'm going to love the baby every bit as much as I love you. I'm proud of you."

"I never thought you'd be proud of me again."

"I am. I will always be proud of you. There's not going to be any shame, no blaming, no judgment in our house. I promise."

I finally was doing something hard, but it the right thing for me. I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I would ever do. Ever. I would forever be weak if I didn't have this baby. I owed him or her that. Keeping it was the right choice and it would make me a stronger person for it. And I had to admit to myself that I loved this baby already. I had to believe I was strong enough to go through with it. "Oh, Dad… thank you," I said, wiping my eyes. "I'm going to call in and cancel."

"Let me know if there's a cancellation fee, I've got my platinum card in my wallet. I've got to let your grandmother know we're not going through with it."

"Okay." I nodded and wiped my eyes with a fresh tissue.

"Let's stay at the Hamptons. This isn't the best weather to drive in."

I nodded again, blowing my nose. "I love you, Dad."

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews make me happy! Please leave one!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's another surprise when Alexis goes back to her old apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. The most betaing I do is listening to Apple read my writing aloud while I nurse.

This was one of my last times to go to the Hamptons with Dad alone, before he married Kate and before I had a baby. I was terrified, but a little bit excited. We went to dinner and we started making plans. I was going to move back home, and we'd find a place for Grams to move, he'd pay her rent. The baby would take Gram's room when it was born, and I needed a good doctor, but we'd worry about that on Monday.

"I never told you I've met my father, right?" Dad asked as we got our dessert.

"No," I said, taking an extra bite of the hot-fudge cheesecake slice.

"It was when you were kidnapped in Paris. You know why you were kidnapped, right?"

I shook my head.

"You're the granddaughter of an American spy."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. That's why he had to leave after his night with your grandma. He never got to come back, but he found me in the Metropolitan library when I was about eight. I was just there, waiting on your Grandma, she was researching a role, and this guy came up me and started a conversation with me. Before I knew it, he pressed a copy of  _Casino Royale_  into my hand. I didn't remember him that well, but years later that made me start coming up with my own stories. And years later, he told me who he was. I'd have never broken you out if he hadn't helped me. I keep hoping he'll come back into my life sooner or later. But… that's how it works."

"I wish I had met him," I said.

"He'll come back around," he said. "Eventually, I think."

"Do you think he could track down Pi and kill him?" I joked.

"I wish he would. We can't get in touch with him. At all."

* * *

The next morning, we drove home. "We're going to figure this out," Dad promised, squeezing my knee as we got some coffee. I had a decaff, of course. Dad said that coffee was a restricted food when Mom was pregnant.

As we got back to New York City, and we decided that I'd have to take next fall off from school, I was probably going to have this baby in August. I started to look up a medical leave of absence on the Columbia website on my iPad, and found that I could take it with a doctor's permission, but I'd still fall behind my class. I supposed that I had entered college with almost a whole year of college credits due to all my hard work at Marlow Prep on the AP exams, so I'd probably be okay.

When we arrived back at the loft in TriBeCa, that drilling, churning, grinding sensation in my stomach had finally gone away. I was going to be okay. I wasn't so scared. Lima Bean and I were going to be okay. We'd make it.

Dad and I walked into the Loft and were met by Grams and Kate.

"So we're going to keep it?" Grams asked, wrapping me up in her arms.

"Yes," I said. "I couldn't go through with the abortion, I just- I knew- I knew it would make me weak for life. I'm going to have it."

"She's going to move back in with us, and Mother, we're going to have to find a new place for you to live the baby's born. This is going to make college hard for her, but I know my little girl can do it. She's going to show the world she can do anything."

"Yeah, I'm still scared," I said. "But we can do it. My little Lima Bean and me."

"That's the spirit," Grams said, cupping my face before kissing it all over.

"I'm so proud of you, Alexis," Kate began.  _Ugh. No. Kate, just leave me alone._ I was too embarrassed to really speak with her. "I can't wait to meet this baby, I know you can't either-"

"Kate, I need to tell you something before we go into anything else," Dad interrupted.

"Oh. Okay," she said, surprised.

"Just you and me? Come on, we can go to the study." He took Kate away to the study, and shut the door.

"Dad said he'll have to change his wedding to Kate," I admitted to Grams. "I'm due in August and…"

"Oh," Gram said, nodding. "We can do this. We'll need to start planning for Lima Bean. You're going to need maternity clothes. A lot of 'em. And cocoa butter, that'll help with the stretch marks so your stomach can snap back after you give birth and be flat again. And, we need to make sure you've got a good OB GYN, too. Don't worry we don't have to take the first one we meet, we'll shop for one…"

Kate and Dad came out of the study as Grams start talking about what to do with my pregnancy. I avoided her gaze.

"We just talked about it," Kate said. "I guess I can put off the wedding until Christmas. No big deal, right?" She had been waiting to marry Dad for six months, and I was putting off her wedding even longer. I wasn't sure I was going to apologize or not to her. I wasn't sure there was any way to.  _Hey, sorry about my unexpected pregnancy ruining your wedding plans…_

"I know it's going to be a long engagement, Katherine, but it's a wise decision to have Alexis and her baby there, too, able to attend," Grams said. "I'm going to take her maternity clothes shopping. Before you know it, you'll start showing."

"I'll go with you," Kate offered.

 _Stop it,_  I thought. Gina never showed only a little interest in my life, I was surprised Kate was trying so hard.

"That would be lovely, Katherine," Grams said. "It'll be a bonding time for us girls!"

* * *

Before I agreed to go out shopping with Grams, Dad agreed to help me talk to my landlord about getting out of my lease, even if we had to pay a fee. Kate wanted to tag along, she wanted to help with packing up my things and moving me back home. I tried to put up with her for now. We climbed the stairs and I unlocked the door.

Pi was sitting there on the futon, and he shot to his feet.

"Where the hell have you been?" he cried.

"Where the hell were  _you_?" I spluttered.

"Kate, give me your gun," Dad growled. "There's going to be a murder."

"I didn't bring it," Kate said.

"You've got a lot of god-damn explaining to do," Dad shouted, pointing an accusatory finger in his direction.

"I got the money together and rented a car so we could drive down to Long Island! Where were you?" he repeated, looking directly at me.

"It looked like you ran off!" I shouted, suddenly furious. "You left and took the money and all your things, what was I supposed to think when you didn't respond to my text messages?"

"I was selling things to make money to rent the car," Pi yelled back. "Including my cell phone!"

"I took her to Long Island," Dad said. "How could you run off and look like you were leaving when she's in one of the worst situations a woman can be in? How could you do this to my daughter?"

Pi just shook his head, glaring at the floor. I finally saw him for what he was; a loser. A bearded, lazy mooch that always had somebody else taking care of him. How had I ever found him sexy before? He wasn't. He was cute on the outside, but I saw him for how selfish he was. No amount of cuteness could make up for how disgusting his selfishness was. I had tried to make him change, but that was impossible. Had I really been so impossibly desperate to give up my virginity that I lowered my standards  _this much_? He was pathetic. And I had been trying to boss him around and build a life with him.

"I knew you were a shady bastard the moment I met you," Dad growled in a low gutteral tone. "Nobody believed me, but I saw it. Is this why you didn't want to go back to Denmark? And seduced my daughter to mooch off my home, only to run off?"

"Dad, stop," I uttered, but my voice sounded weak and child-like.

"Tell me!" Dad shouted.

"No," Pi said. "I had no intention of getting Alexis pregnant."

"Then why in the hell did you keep this a secret from me? You could have asked me for help from the beginning, not lie to me since Christmas!"

"No, I couldn't! Alexis would have the abortion anyway-"

"I didn't," I interrupted. "I'm having the baby."

"Alexis, we talked about this. I'm not ready to be a dad."

"Then maybe you should have used a condom," Dad sneered.

"Richard!" Kate shouted.

"No," Dad said. "This, Pi," he pointed at me, "is the most precious thing in the world that has ever been given to me. And you've just changed her life and made it harder than she ever imagined it would be. And you're going to pull this bullshit, 'I'm not ready to be a dad'?"

"I'm not."

"Grow a pair! She's not ready to be a mom either, and she's going to do it because she doesn't really have a choice," Dad shouted. "Isn't it lucky for you that you aren't the one that's pregnant?"

"She could have had it taken care of!" Pi yelled back. Kate scoffed.

"No, I couldn't go through with it. I'm moving home," I said, trying to break up Dad's verbal assault on Pi. "I'm going to move home and have this baby with my family. You never offered to stand up for me. You never fought for me. You stopped pursuing me. And I'm done with you, Pi. I didn't see you for what you really were until things got really difficult, and this is what you're doing. Running out after using everybody you could!"

"I was planning on going back to Copenhagen after the abortion, anyway," he said. "Here, Alexis, here's the money. Go have your baby." He got out the wad of money and tossed it at me. My jaw dropped and I didn't make any effort to reach out and catch it. Before it hit the floor, Dad's fist met Pi's cheekbone. He toppled over onto the futon.

"I didn't see anything," Kate said, almost in a  _you go girl_  tone. "Don't even bother calling the police, Pi. You can go to hell."

"Son of a bitch," Pi muttered, rubbing his cheek.

"You better sign off all parental rights, because I don't want my child having your last name," I snarled. "This baby is  _mine_ , not yours. To think I trusted you so much, I gave you my virginity. You're pathetic! God, I was stupid."

"I'll be out of here soon," Pi said.

"You better hope you never end up in New York city for long," Kate threatened. "You changed my stepdaughter's life, you won't stand up for her, and you delayed my wedding. If you come back here, expect the NYPD to be up your ass, understand?"

"Got it. I'm getting out," he said, putting his coat on, "right now."

"Shithead," Dad muttered once he walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- I'm sorry. I really hated Pi for mooching off Castle half the summer and then getting Alexis to move in with him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis breaks the news to her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys. The most betaing I do is listening to Apple read my writing aloud while I nurse, so I'm sorry for the typos, I kind of suck.

_Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys. The most betaing I do is listening to Apple read my writing aloud while I nurse, so I'm sorry for the typos, I kind of suck._

* * *

"To think I was trying to take that son of a bitch on like family," Dad muttered as Kate got a baggie of ice for his knuckles.

"You didn't have to punch him, Dad," I said, locking the door as we left my old apartment.

"Yeah, I did."

"You were right about him all along," I admitted. "I really thought Pi hung the moon."

"We all think that of our firsts," Kate said. "And then, they show us who they really are. I think things are going to work out for the best without him having an influence in this baby's life. He annoyed the hell out of me, I'll be honest."

"He's annoying me just to think about him," I said as we got to the first floor.

"You girls just stay here, I'll go get the car," Dad said, walking out of the small lobby. I checked my mail for the last time, and found some credit card offers and a letter from Columbia asking for a donation and other junk mail. I crammed it into my computer bag. I'd have to send a change of address form through at the post office, among other things. I didn't know moving was going to be so difficult.

"We're going to make sure your baby has everything," Kate said. "Your baby will want for nothing, I promise. Don't be scared of providing for it. We'll make sure it has everything it needs."

Kate really shouldn't have been making that promise to me. If things didn't work out between her and my Dad, Dad would still be related to me, but she wouldn't. I wasn't sure if things would. I didn't know if she'd be the forever wife of my father. Maybe she'd go the way of Gina; occasional friendly emails and texts, but there wasn't too much to them. I wasn't sure how I felt about Kate, but she was really trying to be good to me, offering to put off her wedding and let me move back in, taking up space when she probably wanted privacy with Dad.

"You know, I think the only reason Martha moved back in with your father after you moved out was to keep an eye on him and me," Kate said. "It's a little creepy, I think. But it'll just be you and the baby with us, now-"

"Kate, I don't know how to how to apologize for making you put your wedding off."

She turned her face away from me and I saw her nod.

"I know you had plans, and you're being really gracious about this whole mess. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry about the way I talked to you the other night. I know you were just trying to be supportive of me."

"What else was I going to do anyway?" she finally said. "Alexis, I get the feeling you don't understand, but I'm taking becoming your stepmother very, very seriously. The time for panicking is over. We've got to be a family. And families get through these kinds of... surprises. This baby is not a mistake, just an accident. A very happy accident. We won't tell him he was a problem, something we didn't want, or an unhappy accident. This baby is a part of our family. And if somebody says anything to him like that, they'll have to deal with me. Okay?"

She turned back to me and placed her hands on my shoulders.

"Okay," I agreed.

She hugged me and for the first time, it felt genuine, not forced.

* * *

We had to pay a fee to get me out of my lease. I didn't care what happened to Pi right now or if he went back to Copenhagen. I really had been stupid to sleep with him and a little too high the first time, too. I had smoked a lot of weed with Pi, and I hadn't been taking care of my pregnancy. Had pot hurt my baby, though? I hoped not. I needed to research it. I got moved back into my old bedroom and got comfortable. Dad was going to buy a small apartment for Grams, hopefully close by. Grams was able to contribute a little of her own money towards it, too, and she insisted on paying rent to Dad.

Once I was moved home, I called Mom in LA.

"Hi, honey, how's school? How's Pi?" she asked.

"Um, Mom… about that…"

"Did you break up with him?"

I took a deep breath. "Mom, I'm having a baby."

I thought for a moment that I had lost her connection. I checked my phone and the timer was still running.

"Mom? Did I lose you?" I asked.

"Alexis, are you sure you're pregnant?"

"Yes, I'm almost done with my first trimester."

"But you're so responsible! Weren't you using a condom?"

"No, I was on the pill, and it didn't work. I'm having a baby. I'm almost to my fourth month. Pi doesn't want anything to do with it."

"With a grifter like Pi's baby? Sweetheart, he's got no money."

"He's gone back to Denmark."

"He's back in Denmark?" she repeated.

"Yes. We've broken up. I'm going to have this baby on my own."

"There's more of Martha in you than I thought. Alexis, don't date poor men. It's just stupid. Because if-  _when_  you get pregnant-"

I interrupted. "I know why you and Dad got married." It was too late for her to lecture me about how to flirt and hook a man like she always did when the subject of boys came up.

Mom sighed. "This kid is not calling me Grandma."

"We'll come up with something for him to call you."

"Honey, I hate telling you this, but you can never tell anyone I'm a grandma."

"What?"

"Alexis, appearance is everything in the acting world. I've got almost everyone convinced you're only thirteen. If anything makes you look old, you can't get the younger parts. I hate tell you this, but if you come to visit me and bring the baby, I have to be seen as an aunt or something, not a grandma."

"But, Mom-"

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Alexis. I love you a lot, but I can't give up my career."

"Well!" I said. "I guess I know where you stand."

"Alexis, don't get upset, honey, it's not you it's not that I don't love you-"

"No, it's alright, Mom," I said. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"

I hung up the phone and laid down on my old bed. I wasn't going to let her make me feel worse.

* * *

On Valentine's Day, I pretended nothing was wrong, and went to classes, amidst all the red roses and hearts out. It depressed me a little bit. I had had boyfriends before on Valentine's Day. I hadn't even been planning anything for Pi just yet, all I wanted was to get back to what we had had before. It wasn't there anymore.

Just to see what was going on, I opened his instagram account on my phone and looked for his location. He hadn't posted anything since my birthday dinner in New York. I faithfully watched it, just to see what he was doing, where he was. I was jealous and angry, and fascinated. I couldn't turn away from looking for him just yet. I had given him so much of me, but he was leaving for Copenhagen and wouldn't look back, I was sure. It was obvious that I would always have a part of him with this baby, a forever reminder.

I missed having someone on Valentine's Day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. Haiku disclaimer to Mr. Marlowe & company:
> 
> I have no money  
> I am a new, green mommy  
> Appreciate no sue
> 
> The most betaing I do is listening to Apple read my writing aloud while I nurse.

By the time I was a full 18 weeks, I had to stop wearing my regular clothes. My jeans didn't button any longer, and I had been getting by with large safety pins, but the safety pins weren't doing it anymore. It was frustrating to phase over to maternity jeans when my Forever 21 jeans didn't do the trick any longer. I had to start wearing longer tops, but the ice was thawing in the city and I couldn't just cover up my pregnant belly with a giant coat any longer. It was March. I swore that I was big as a house, but I had only gained seven pounds.

"Do I look pregnant?" I asked Dad and Kate as I came down the stairs in a long tunic top and my maternity jeans.

"Psst, honey," Dad whispered loudly. "You  _are_  pregnant!" I groaned and rolled my eyes, but Kate elbowed him.

Kate shrugged, pouring some creamer into her coffee cup. Dad was making an omlett on the stove. "I guess you could count that off as a slight weight gain that went straight to your middle," Kate said.

I turned to the side and examined myself in the mirror. "No," I admitted. "I'm going to have to come clean and admit I'm pregnant with everyone! I can't pretend I'm not anymore." I sighed and covered my face. This was horrible. "What am I going to do?"

"Alexis, calm down, it's not the end of the world," Dad said. There was a firmness in his voice I didn't hear often. "You look like you're growing a basketball under your clothes, it's cute! When we left the abortion clinic's parking lot, we knew this was what was going to happen eventually. It's time to pay the piper, I guess."

"I was hoping I wouldn't show until June?" I said in a tiny voice.

"Not showing until your third semester, that's a trick I've got to learn!" Kate teased.

"Alexis, I can't protect you from this," Dad said gently. "You've got to be prepared for people to see you pregnant and that they aren't always going to react in a kind way. A lot of people are going to be judging you. Now, you have to be strong. It's only a few months of pregnancy, not your whole life."

"Why don't we decompress tonight at a maternity yoga class?" Kate offered. "There's a studio on Church street that offers one at seven."

I remember Pi multi-tasking, doing Yoga while smoking a joint in our living room. I didn't feel like exercise, but I felt the need to go for Lima Bean, since all that pot-smoking had probably messed him or her up royally. "I'll go. Maybe it'll make me feel better since today's going to suck."

"You know, Alexis, you're probably going to call yourself worse things than anybody else does. I promise you, you are not the only pregnant student at Columbia University," Kate said.

"She's right," Dad added. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You messed up once. For the first time in your entire life. And it's not that bad. Really, honey, believe me when I say it's not. There are worse ways to screw up. We deal with people who screw up everyday in the Homicide Unit."

"It's true," Kate said. "I can make some decaff coffee for you in the French press?"

"Yes, please," I muttered. I knew Dad was right; pregnancy wasn't so terrible, compared to murders and manslaughter. Killing someone was a lot worse than getting pregnant by accident or going to prison; it was true.

"We can go out to dinner after yoga," Kate said. Kate had a way of making things easier on me and calming me down whenever I freaked out about what people would think of me. "We'll have fun. I love yoga."

"I'll pick the place to eat and I'll meet you both there, okay?" Dad offered.

"Okay," I muttered, rubbing my giant belly.

"Can we finally tell our friends?" Kate asked.

"What, you're asking me?" I asked, picking up my bookbag. I thought they were all ignoring the news.

"Yeah, we haven't been blabbing this all over," Dad said. "Although Lainey's been bugging us about you."

"She knows?"

"I think they've all figured it out by now, everyone in the bullpen," Kate said. "I've even avoided the subject with my father. But I kept my word, I haven't said anything about you."

"Jim doesn't know?" I repeated, surprised. I didn't think she'd keep her mouth shut around Lainey and Jim. Lainey was Kate's best friend, I thought best friends shared everything. And to keep it from her own father?

"Yes, I kept my word," Kate said, as if reading my mind. "I swore I wouldn't tell anybody. We can just act like everything's normal and you can just walk around pregnant and just tell everyone you're just bloated or something. But nobody's going to believe that when the baby gets here in August. You, as well as Castle and I, are going to have to tell everybody sometime."

"Yes, we're not pulling a Jack Nicholson," Dad added.

"What happened with Jack Nicholson?"

"He grew up in a house with his mother and older sister, only to find out when he was an adult that his older sister had actually been in his mother," Dad explained. "I'd love to give my fans the heads up that I'm going to be a grandfather soon, but that's really up to you. And I can't tell my fans before we've told everybody closest to us. And I think you need to tell your friends, too."

"I'll think about it," I said, rubbing my swollen stomach.

"Alexis, choices always have consequences," Dad reminded me. "You made the choice to have the baby, and this one of those consequences. I personally am excited and proud that I'm going to be a grandfather. I'm past being disappointed. I knew it wasn't going to do any good to judge you like that. I know you took all the proper precautious, honey, but you just got the short end of the stick when your birth control failed. It happens. A lot in this family, actually. If bringing a new life into the world is the worst thing you ever do, I'm relieved."

I felt errant tears spring to my eyes and lump in the my throat. While Dad constantly reminded me he was supporting me through everything, I didn't think he'd be proud of me. I had been so ashamed of being pregnant so far.

"Honey, it's true. We both feel this way," Kate said softly, hugging me. "Maybe you didn't get pregnant at the best of time in your life, but this isn't a bad thing. So I want you to go out and tell the world that you're pregnant, and we're behind you."

* * *

I was too scared to show that I was pregnant, yet, so I wore a long, loose cardigan to conceal my newly visible baby-bump for the next few days. I knew people were looking at me and whispering. It made me blush, and I wanted to hide. I still was too chicken to admit I was pregnant. I avoided people, until my Criminal Justice professor put us into group projects. It was torture to sit with the other four people in our group as we discussed the case and started looking up evidence at the law library together. I caught a few of them gazing at my stomach a few times before looking away, embarrassed. I was back to talking to all my friends from Marlowe Prep, but not as much as I used to. I was afraid they'd catch on that I was having a baby and I was not prepared to tell them.

"You know, Alexis," one of the girls, a girl from Michigan named Erin, said as we met in the law library's Starbucks shop, after everyone else was out of earshot ."If this interferes with any appointments, you can just tell us you can't come, no judgment. You don't have to tell us why you can't come to the meetings. We can reschedule, too."

I felt my cheeks light up. "I'm not…" I knew it was useless to tell stories and lie. And yes, my private life was nobody's business, but it was going to be painfully obvious by the end of the semester. "Erin, can I tell you something? I haven't even told my best friends at other schools, yet."

"It's kind of obvious, Alexis. I know you're trying to hide it, but… come on, you're showing. I'll be the one to back you up if you can't make it because of baby appointments. It's nobody's business, right?"

I nodded and wiped my stupid tears. "God, I'm crying over everything these days."

"It's alright. That's normal," she said, squeezing my elbow. "How's the father taking it?"

"Can I tell you something else?" I asked. "The father left me when I told him I was keeping it. We were together seven months, and he was my first and…" I burst into fresh tears. "I was on the pill, it didn't work in the end and… It was never going to work with him, anyway. I was just too blind to see it until it was too late." I wiped the tears from my face with my hand.

"I'm sorry, Alexis. It'll work out. It always does if you just keep strong."

"I know it will. It's just so embarrassing to have a baby on my own when I'm only twenty. And I'm an Ivy League student and I was the Valedictorian of my school and in all the honor societies, and then I go and do this..."

"Of course, it's embarrassing. But these things happen. It happened my best friend, junior year. But her parents weren't so understanding about it."

"What happened to her?" I whispered.

"Her parents forced her to have an abortion," Erin admitted. "It wasn't the best solution because she actually wanted to keep it. She really resented them for making her do that. Funny this was, they're Catholic. But they didn't want her screwing up her life. They let her get birth control after that, but still… damage done. She failed out of U of I freshman year with a severe cocaine habit."

Well, at least I wasn't doing that. "That's terrible," I whispered.

"Are your parents okay with it?"

I nodded. "I moved back in with my Dad in downtown. He's going to let me stay with him while I finish college and raise the baby. He's really been supportive about it. He told me I'll be a great mom."

"You will be. And you're not giving it up to adoption?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm keeping it."

She smiled. "That's really great. He sounds like a good dad. How's your mom taking it?"

"She's afraid for anybody to know she's a grandma because she's an actress. I don't know. I'm not talking to her right now."

"She'll come around, I'm sure. I'm sure once the baby's born…"

I shrugged.

"Babies have an effect on everyone. They make everybody crazy, they're so cute. I bet she won't be immune."

"I think she is, personally." I glanced at my phone, and I had forty-five minutes to get to the ultrasound. "I've gotta go. I'll see you on Tuesday?"

"Yeah. Text me anytime you need something, okay?"

"Thanks."

* * *

It felt a lot better to get it off my chest that I was having a baby to someone my age and not be met with the accusations that would make me feel so small. I caught a cab to my ultrasound in downtown and met Dad, Kate, and Grams there. I was surprised they all showed up.

"This is just an update ultrasound," I protested.

"You can find out the sex of the baby," Grams pointed out. "We want to be there to find out with you. We're here for you, every step of the way-"

"If that's what she wants," Dad insisted. "If she wants to be surprised in the delivery room-"

"Can we find out?" I asked.

"I think we can," Dad said.

"Not at eighteen weeks!"

"We'll ask."

"Da-ad!"

"Alexis?" the nurse said at the door.

"That's me," I said, standing up, pulling my cardigan together over my bump.

"We just want to examine her and we'll call you all in if she wants for the ultrasound."

I followed the nurse past the door. "You can't tell the sex at eighteen weeks, can you?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Sometimes. We can see if it's a boy, for obvious reasons, as early at eighteen weeks. But we just know that sometimes, we get the sex wrong when it's delivered, maybe about five per cent of the time. There's no guarantee."

She brought me into a room and gave me a hospital robe to change into, and told me to take off everything, except my socks, and advised me to have the front open. I changed into everything when she left the room, and I climbed up onto the table, pulling the hospital robe over my stomach as tightly as possible. The nurse did the pre-requisite exam and made sure all my vitals were good, she opened the robe over my stomach and listened to the baby's heartbeat. She smiled. "Wanna listen to your baby's heart?" she asked, taking out the earpieces.

"Okay," I said shyly. She put the earpieces in and held the stethoscope to my belly.

I felt something like adrenaline. My heartrate sped up, listening to this. It sound like a faint fluttering. The image I had imagine of a younger Dad holding me as a baby, to his chest, our hearts syncing together flashed through my mind. The baby's heart wasn't a thump like I expected. "Is this normal? It's not thumping."

"Yes, it'll sound like that until it's older. Alright, I want you to lay down, Dr. Menta will be in here in a moment. Do you want your family in here while we see the baby?"

"Yes, I want them in here."

When I was alone in the room, I rubbed my belly that had flattened a bit when I laid down. I almost looked normal. The cocoa butter had done it's trick so far; no stretch marks. Gram said my belly-button would turn inside out, which I didn't like.  _It'll be super-easy to clean,_  she teased, making me gag at the thought. That just sounded gross.  _That's when you know you're ready to have him!_  I wondered when I'd get that black line down my stomach. Even better, I imagined holding my baby to own chest, letting him sleep, feeling his skin on mine, holding his little hand. Or maybe it a girl. I'd find out soon, and the idea made me excited and nervous in a good way.

A moment later, the ultrasound technician arrived, as did Dr. Menta. "Hi, Alexis!" she said, opening the door. "How is everything been? Anything weird?"

The ultrasound technician squirted some mircowaved lube onto my belly, which surprised me. "Oh! Yeah, everything's good. I've had some heartburn, but that's about it. The morning sickness has gone away."

"That's good! I noticed your weight gain is going well and on target, you don't seem to be eating too much, which is good. A lot of women think pregnancy is an excuse to sit around and eat four thousand calories a day; it's really not, I hate treating those moms. Well, your blood sugar looks just fine too, so I don't think we need to worry about gestational diabetes, but like all moms, I'm going to tell you to be careful with your sugar intake. We've sent the receptionist off to get your family. Are you excited to see the baby?" she asked.

"Actually, I am," I admitted. "I want to find out if I'm having a boy or a girl." The technician put the wand on my stomach and started rolling it around on my belly and the door behind me opened. I couldn't sit up, but I tried to turn my head to see them.

"Hi!" Dad and Kate chorused. The receptionist brought them in.

"Hi!" I cried.

"I can't wait to see my great-grandbaby!" Grams cooed.

"Found it," the technician said. "There's the baby!" I saw a blurry blob of grey on the screen. Then, I identified the head on the screen.

"That's my baby!" I cried. "I see it!"

"Yes, that's it!" Dr. Menta said. "Are you sure you want to know the sex?"

"I do," I said.

"We'll save it for the end of the exam with your family. I'm going to go down and see if I can count all the fingers and toes and check for abnormalities. You drank the 32 ounces of water in the last hour, right?" Dr. Menta said.

"I did, on the cab on the way over," I said.

"I can see the hands," Dad said.

"They're perfect! Ten fingers, ten toes," Dr. Menta said. "We're good so far. We're going to check and see if the placenta has separated from the cervix, once all of you are out of here. But first, I want to check the brains, liver, stomach, and kidneys, make sure they're fine." The ultrasound technician lowered the wand so I could see the heart on the screen. I couldn't see anything else.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, feeling panic rise in my throat.

"The baby's a just little still-" Dr. Menta began.

"What?" I shouted. "There's something wrong?"

"Alexis-" Dr. Menta said.

"What if there's something wrong? Okay, I smoked pot my first trimester!"

I heard my family chuckle behind me.

"Everything's fine. The baby's just a little still," Dr. Menta said. "The baby is sleeping, I don't see this too often in ultrasounds."

"Okay," I said, breathing a sigh of relief, trying to relax into the chair/table. "But smoking pot-"

"There are no real tests to prove that it's good or bad for the baby in the US."

"You want to know something?" Dad asked. "Your mother was almost constantly blazed her first trimester with you. And look at how well you turned out."

Grams and Kate cracked up at that admission.

"I guess I'll have to break the law when i have my baby!" Kate said.

"And I'm not going to claim I didn't partake a little bit in my day," Grams said.

"More proof," Dr. Menta said, shrugging.

"Don't panic," Dad added in.

"Before we go any further, does anybody want to make a bet on what sex the baby is?" Dr. Menta asked.

"I want a boy," Dad said. "Alexis, you have failed me if you haven't given me a grandson!"

" _Da-ad_!" I cried. I looked up to see him grinning. He squeezed my shoulder.

"Richard, stop teasing," Grams said. "I don't care, just as long as it's healthy."

"Me either," Kate said. "I'm on team healthy."

"Although there's nothing like getting baptised by your baby boy on the changing table," Grams added.

"Too bad I don't remember it!" Dad laughed

"I hope you had good aim," Kate added.

"Trust me, he did!" Grams said. We all laughed.

"Alexis?" Dr. Menta asked.

"I'm on team healthy too," I said. "Although deep down, I want a girl."

"Alright, last chance to change your mind," Dr. Menta said.

"I want to know if I'm having a girl or a boy," I said. "I want to pick out my nursery."

"And you're having… I don't see a penis, so I think we can safely say it's a girl. Too bad, Dad."

My whole family awww-ed.

"Everything pink," Dad said. "My baby girl's having a baby girl!" He bent down and kissed me on the crown of my head. "I can't wait. I really can't. I want to hold her, now."

"Five more months," Dr. Menta reminded him.

"This was exciting," Kate agreed. "I'm so glad I got to see this. I feel like I got a sneak peek at your baby! I can't wait until August!"

"None of us can," Grams agreed.

"Alright, we're going to let Alexis get changed back into her clothes and then she can check out," Dr. Menta said. "She doing a great job at growing a baby!"

"A baby girl! We can start the baby registry!" Dad cried, excited as the technician ushered my family out.

* * *

I realized what I had felt when I got to hear Lima Bean's little heartbeat was love. A kind of love I had never felt before for anyone in my life- it was overwhelming, but exhilarating, and more than I had ever felt for anyone ever before. Becoming a mom was already the greatest thing I could ever imagine. I suddenly realized I didn't need to be scared of people seeing my pregnancy; I was proud of this little girl growing inside me, due on August 15th. They printed out some pictures for me, emailed a few to my phone, and I got a list of what to do and eat and avoid during this phase of my pregnancy before I went out to the waiting room. They had already printed out pictures for my family, and they were talking about them and comparing.

"See, I think I got the best side in this picture," Dad was saying. "This baby's got my profile, see? This is a very, very lucky little girl-"

"That's crap, she already looks like Alexis!" Kate scoffed.

"And Alexis takes after me!" Dad cried. "God, I hope this kid doesn't look like Pi."

"And Meredith, a little bit," Grams said, disdainfully. "Alexis has her mother's nose, but your chin and forehead. Oh, hello, darling! You can't imagine how excited we are right now!"

"I'm going to stop by the office and finish up some stuff, since I took time off for this appointment," Kate said. "I'll see you when I get home? Congratulations, Alexis. I'm so excited you're having a girl!" She hugged me, and I could feel her excitement.

"Thanks, Kate," I said.

"I'm taking everybody out for dinner," Dad said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "Alexis, what is the baby hungry for?"

"Hmm," I rubbed my bump. "I think she wants some pork. I'm craving pork roast right now."

"I think that sounds wonderful," Grams said. "I've got a class to teach. I'll be home soon."

"I'm going to go to the Precinct with Beckett," Dad said. He squeezed me. "I'm so excited about a baby girl being in our house. What are you doing to name her?"

I shook my head. "I've been playing with ideas in my head, but I feel like… I feel like I need a few different names to choose from when she's born. I don't know, yet. I feel like I need to see her before I name her."

"Sometimes, you have to see her face," Grams agreed as we got in the elevator. "That's wise!"

"I'm going to take a shower and a nap when I get home," I said. "You'll wake me up for when we go out for dinner, okay?"

"We will," Dad said, hailing a cab for me. He paid the cabbie as Kate opened the door for me.

"We love you," Grams said, squeezing me again. "No matter what, I'm so proud of you, Alexis. We can't wait to bring this little girl into our family! You're going to be a fantastic mother!"

"I'm proud, too," I said. "I can't wait to meet her. Bye!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis can no longer hide her pregnancy and must face the consequences of being pregnant and having a father in the spotlight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. Today's Castle disclaimer Haiku:
> 
> Kate Beckett I'm not  
> Richard Castle writes original fiction  
> I'm not the writer

 

* * *

I woke up from the nap sweaty and in need of a shower. Nobody was home, so I turned on Mumford and Son's  _Sigh No More_  album as loud as I wanted when I got out and got ready. I wrote out a few baby girl names in the mirror fog, including Cleo, Lucy, Tessa, Lillian, and Olive, as I dried my hair. When I got a moment, I wrote them down on paper. I wanted to make sure her name meant something important. I had a few more months to perfect it before she was born, I wasn't too worried.

 _What would Pi name her?_  a voice in the back of my head asked.

I stopped in my tracks. Pi hadn't cared at all. He wouldn't care what I named her. I rubbed my bare stomach that towel wasn't covering. "I'm so sorry, baby," I whispered. "You're not going to have a daddy. Well, your grandfather is great with kids, he was great with me. I know he already loves you. But I'm sorry your daddy ran off. Maybe that's my fault. I ran him off."

"Don't you dare," Grams said from behind me. I jumped a mile and turned around to see her in the doorway. "Don't you dare think for a moment that anything you did or said could have changed Pi's mind. He was selfish, and all he wanted was to live the high life without any consequences. He ran away when the going got tough."

"Oh, Grams, you scared me!" I cried.

"So what are you going to wear to dinner?" Grams asked, opening my closet.

"I don't know," I muttered.

"We should have gone out and bought another dress with your emergency credit card," she noted. "But don't you, for one second, think that you could have kept Pi. You didn't do anything wrong. He's a child who couldn't own up to what he did."

"Do you feel that way about my grandfather?"

Grams stopped, her jaw dropped out. "Excuse me?"

"Dad told me about his father."

"I know," she said. "I know he met him when you got kidnapped. And no, your grandfather was not like that. He had been reactivated, I guess. He thought he was out, we spent a beautiful night together, and the next morning, he had to leave. That's all it was. Now," she grabbed a few things out of my closet and checked the tags that it was maternity. "I think this will be beautiful for dinner tonight."

* * *

"Dad?" I asked as we went to the back of the restaurant. I saw Lainey, Detectives Esposito and Ryan, and Jenny there, all their faces broke into concern. Jenny was holding Sarah Grace in her arms.

"Alexis Castle!" Lainey cried, "you didn't want us knowing you were having a baby?" She grabbed me and squeezed me tightly in her arms. I was terrified suddenly. She rocked me back and forth. "Of all the people in the world, I never thought you'd get pregnant in college."

"Who told you?" I asked, glaring at Dad and Kate.

"They saw it on the wallpaper of my phone," Dad admitted, holding up his phone. He had made the ultrasound of my baby this wallpaper.

"Hey, you know I was a sniper, if Pi's anywhere in the area," Esposito said.

I wiped my eyes. "It was unexpected," I admitted.

"See, we knew something was up. Something about Castle and Beckett changed one morning, I knew they were keeping secrets," Ryan said.

"Here, Alexis," Jenny said, coming up to me, shoving Sarah Grace into my arms. The baby started crying immediately.

"Oh!" I gasped.

"For practice," she said. "So your dad says you're having a little girl?"

"Yeah," I said, trying to rock the baby. She screamed harder. "Oh no! Oh God!"

"It's okay," she promised. "Babies are going to scream. Just relax, it doesn't come naturally. The more uptight you are, the more the baby will freak out. They can sense when you're not comfortable with them."

"Uh-huh," I said.

"Come on, sit down," Ryan said. "You need to stay off your feet. Don't worry, the last baby I held before this one did the same thing. You'll pick it up."

"Um," I began. Jenny guided me down to the chair by the shoulders.

"I wish you had let me tell them," Kate said wistfully. She turned her to glare at Dad, "before Castle spilled the beans." Dad shrugged sheepishly.

All my excited pride in telling the world I was about to be a mother evaporated. "Shit," I whispered under my breath. The baby continued to cry.

"Here, let me take her back," Jenny said, taking the baby from my arms. Sarah Grace stopped wailing, and the annoying restaurant patrons turned away.

"You know, a parenting class can help so much," Ryan said. "But nothing prepares you for a baby. Nothing."

"I know," I said, wiping my eyes. "I'm so scared. I'm not prepared at all-"

"We love you," Lainey said. "You can handle anything."

I wiped my eyes. "I never thought this would happen to me-"

"Accidents happen to the best of us," Jenny said. "I've worked around kids enough to know that even the most careful kids can get pregnant."

"See, I knew there was something up for the longest time," Lainey said, smugly. "Kate wouldn't tell me, but I knew."

"You're a doctor, of course you knew," I muttered.

"I'm not  _your_  doctor," Lainey said softly. She brushed my hair back off my shoulder a kissed my temple. "You'll get through this. Raising a baby alone is tough, but you'll get through. Although you were the last person I expected to get pregnant in college."

"I guess I'm unpredictable like that," I muttered.

"Can I please, please tweet something about being a grandpa, yet?" Dad asked.

"Not yet," I muttered. "You guys aren't disappointed in me?"

"No!" they chorused.

"Things happen," Esposito said. "We deal with people who make terrible mistakes. This is not a terrible mistake. This doesn't make you a bad person-"

"Or a stupid person," Lainey interrupted.

"Or a selfish person," Jenny finished. She grinned. "I hope you had a lot of fun getting pregnant." Everyone laughed, except Dad.

"Earmuffs!" Dad shouted, over his iPhone.

I cracked a grin. "Yeah, I did."

"I can't believe you made your parents keep this a secret for so long," Jenny said. "You were on borrowed time with that secret! You're showing!"

"I know," I admitted, adjusting the draping of my cardigan.

"We're gonna plan a mission to hunt down Pi and clip off his balls," Esposito said. "What a little pussy, running out on you."

"He is," Ryan agreed.

"You know about my military background, don't you?" Esposito said.

I nodded, blushing.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of," Lainey reminded me. "Your body is just doing what it's naturally designed to do. You're physically creating another human being, that's a miracle."

I realized Jenny was getting out her breast to nurse Sarah Grace. "Do you need to see how it's done?" she asked, pointing at her breast that the baby had latched onto. "I'm not shy."

"I um-"

"Oh God, didn't need to see that," Esposito muttering, turning away. Lainey whacked him on the shoulder.

"It's just a breast, doing what it was designed to do," Jenny said, irritably. "I'm not covering up for you."

"Hi, my name's Tori, I'll be your server," our server said.

"She's already ordered," Jenny said, indicating the baby. "But I'll have an iced tea."

"A Yeungling," Ryan said.

"Same here," Esposito said. "Make it two."

"A white wine," Lainey said.

I noticed Kate, Grams, and Dad had scooted over to the side, and were talking about something on the iPhone in hushed tones. If their friends hadn't descended on me en mass, I'd have asked them what was going on.

"And for you?" the server asked.

"I… uh, a water," I said.

"With lemon?"

"Yes, please."

"I'll be back in a moment with your drinks if you want to look at the menu," she said.

"Take your time," I said. I had the feeling I'd have a Kate and Dad's friends telling me so much I wouldn't be able to concentrate on the menu.

"Any baby names yet?" Jenny asked as the menus were passed out.

"I just wrote a few down before we left," I said.

"You know that no matter how stupid the question, you can call me first if you're too afraid to call the OB," Lainey said. "I will drop everything for your call, I work with dead people, they won't mind."

I blushed. "Okay." I wiped my eyes with my table napkin and put it in my lap, but my stomach got in the way. "I don't quite know what I'm doing," I confess. "I've got a lot of questions."

"It's okay to have questions," Esposito said.

"How would you know?" Ryan asked, disgusted.

* * *

I arrived home, completely and mentally exhausted. They had talked my ear off, too many questions that I didn't know the answer to, and advice I hadn't absorbed. I had eaten only part of my roast pork loin and smashed potatoes. I went to bed and woke up to my phone going off. It was one of my friends from Marlowe Prep, Nina.

 _What's your Dad's big surprise? Does it have anything to do with you?_  the text said.

I gasped. "Dad!" I shouted, rolling out of bed. I wasn't able to sit up very quickly. "Dad! What's going on?"

I ran downstairs, and found Dad just getting out of bed, I woke Kate up.

"What's going on?" he asked groggily.

I held up the phone. "I'm getting texts from my friends about you've got big surprise," I said. "It's not about me, is it?"

"Actually, it is," he said. "I tweeted that I've got some good news coming up, but I didn't tell them about you!"

"Dad, you can't!" I cried.

"Yes, I 'can'," he replied. "I owe it to my granddaughter."

"I haven't told my friends from Marlowe Prep that I'm pregnant!" I cried. "What am I supposed to do? Make a Facebook status?"

"That would work," Kate muttered. "Isn't that what Facebook is for?"

I shook my head. "It's for making people think your life is so much better than it actually is."

"You were so proud of having a baby girl yesterday," Kate said, sitting up in bed. "That's good thing! Look, it will go around soon enough. Unless you want to go into hiding. Trust me, people will see your pregnant belly. And your friends, when they come back to New York, will see this pregnancy eventually. You can't hide this any longer. Just tell them. They'll appreciate knowing first before your father puts it up on his Twitter."

"Take your time, but write them a note first," Dad said.

"What do I say?"

"Tell them that you've been hiding this for a long time, but you want to come clean about something before we tell the world because you value their friendship," Dad said. "And then tell them you're having a baby."

I sighed and sat down on the loveseat in their room. I rubbed my belly in frustration.

"Go upstairs. Take you time. And tell them that you'd really appreciate their support," Dad added.

I nodded and went upstairs with my phone. I started a group message to Nina, Tara, Diana, Paige, and Jules, the five girls I had been best friends with my senior year. They were all going to school at Ivy Leagues outside New York, and while we had been in communication, I had been keeping them at arm's length. I had been a shitty friend to them since Pi came into my life. It took me the better part of an hour to write my text to them.

_Hi. I know I haven't been a good friend in the last year to all of you since I met Pi. We've broken up, and I haven't really talked to any of you about what really happened. And I'm sorry about keeping this secret, but I'm really scared about what's going on and could really use your support right now. If you can't be my friend because of this, I understand. But I feel like I need to tell all you before my dad sends this out into the internet; I'm having a baby._

My hand shook as I hit the send button, and I pressed the phone to my chest as it sent.

I panicked after sending it. I'm sure they'd all stop being my friend, I'd have five unfriendings on Facebook and everybody would know. I had kept this from them for so long, I as certain they'd take this as a slap in the face. Here I was, no boyfriend, no friends, and pregnant.

My phone buzzed in my hands. I took a deep breath and looked.

It was from Nina.

_Are you fucking kidding me? I knew you were pregnant, I'm just surprised it took you so long to tell me! Why so secretive, A?_

_Of course we'll support you, bitch. And Pi's an asshole. If I ever find myself in Denmark, he better go underground._

I breathed a sigh of relief.

My phone buzzed again.

 _What do you mean you're pregnant?_  Tara responded.  _Did you think we wouldn't understand? When are you due? We've got to plan a baby shower, stat!_

 _Yeah, we do!_  Nina chimed in. _Where are you registered?_

A baby shower? Why I had kept this a secret for so long from them?

 _I haven't made one, yet,_  I started typing when a new text came in.

 _Whore._  Diana responded. _I can't believe you got pregnant. It's called Yaz, you dumbass. You think I didn't know?_

My jaw dropped.

_Mom saw you and said you were out to there already. We all knew you were going to fuck up sooner or later, Little Miss Perfect. I'm surprised your dad even let you get this far instead of getting rid of it. I can't believe you lied for so long Good job fucking up your life, A. You were the last to cash in the V-plates, I'm sure you did it while reading your own notes on how-to. This is going to be hilarious._

And she left the conversation.

That uncomfortable drilling sensation started up in my stomach again.

 _Well, fuck you very much, Diana,_  Nina responded. Being Italian and from New Jersey, she always had the foulest mouth, which we found hilarious. I didn't find it funny right now.  _We won't miss you at the baby shower. Bitch._

_A, you're not fucking up your life, you're doing to right thing. Abortion is wrong. I can't wait to meet this baby!_

Paige left the conversation without a word. She hated me too, I knew it.

 _It will be just as fun without Diana and Paige there. they're just pissed off they didn't have the gossip months ago. How far along are you, Alexis?_  Tara asked.

My hands were shaking. I put the phone on the dresser and climbed back in bed. It dinged again, and I dreaded looking at it. But it called to me. The phone dinged again.

_My mom knew already. I knew you weren't telling me because it's really hard to have a baby on your own. Jules said. We're here for you. Well, Nina, Tara, and me. Paige and Diana can suck it._

_I'm coming home for spring break next week._  Jules texted.

 _So am I,_  Tara texted.

 _I'm across the river in Jersey, I'll come up right now,_ Nina responded. _And I'm sure you'll have the perfect pregnancy with the perfect amount of weight gained, and you'll have a beautiful, perfect baby with perfect red hair and we'll all love her. Perfectly._

My phone rang- it was Tara, in Boston.

"Hey," I said, answering.

"Did you think I wouldn't understand?" Tara asked. I heard another text message come in. "Oh, Alexis. I know this came about at the wrong time, but it's going to work out."

"I didn't mean to get pregnant," I admitted. I had been expecting my friends to treat me like I had the plague, like I was dirty or something. I was shocked they were there for me.

"You were probably doing everything perfectly with your birth control but… y'know, this happens, sometimes. I can't believe it happened to you, of all people."

"I can't either," I admitted.

"Well, Nina, Jules, and I are going to throw a baby shower for you. Paige and Diana can go fuck themselves. And you need to make a baby registry somewhere. Mom said you were already showing."

"Does everybody's mom spy on me?"

Tara laughed, and another text came in. "No! She just saw you out with your Dad and Detective Beckett at a restaurant, but couldn't believe it was you. She called me and was like, 'Tara, is Alexis Castle pregnant?'" she said in her best impression of a loud Jewish woman. We laughed. I had missed her laugh. "But Mom says you're showing already."

"I'm almost five months," I admitted.

"I just saw you at Christmas, you were pregnant then? And smoking up?"

"Yeah. I didn't know until around New Year's. I'm scared my baby's going to be deformed or something, now."

"I doubt it. You know we love you," she said. "We're here for you, and we want to be there. Why don't you come to Passover with us?"

"You really want me in your temple all pregnant and unmarried?"

"Yes, shiksa, I do," she said. "Mom's probably going to flip a gasket when you come over all pregnant because you didn't call her for advice. I bet you're so cute! I bet you look like a basketball was shoved up your shirt!"

"Dad says I'm starting to look like that," I admitted.

"I might take the train home today," she said off-handedly. My phone dinged again, this time it was Jules calling.

"Just a second, it's Jules," I said. I hit the send button and brought her on.

"You weren't answering my texts!" Jules cried.

"I'm on the phone with Tara," I said.

"You can't drop a bomb on us like that and go silent!" Jules said. "Hold on a sec, I'm calling Neens."

"Let me bring you on the line with Tara," I said, hitting the send button again. "Tara? Did I do this right? Jules should be on the line."

"Yes!" Tara shouted. "You did!"

"I'm here," Jules said at the same time. "Let me call Nina!"

Her line went silent.

"You couldn't tell us when we all already knew?" Tara asked.

"Yes," I moaned. "I was so scared you'd all hate me. Only Diana and Paige hate me, I guess."

"Well, Paige called me at Northeastern to ask me if I knew anything, and I told her no. I think she's pissed. And what the hell was up with Diana and that bitchfest response in front of all of us?"

"Shit," I muttered.

"Look, Paige was always a bitch. Remember when she got so trashed on Halloween and you took her home, but when your dad called her parents, she didn't talk to you until Spring Formal? She's just mad that she wasn't in on it from week one."

"Yeah," I muttered.

"She's being a dumbass. So is Diana. We all hate Diana anyway, don't worry."

"You do?"

"We were only friends with her because you liked her. But she was always so manipulative-"

"Hey, I think we're all here," Jules called out. "Neens?"

"Hi, Alexis!" Nina called out. She could be loud and talk really fast when she got mad. "I'm packing my shit right now, oh my God, I can't believe you kept this shit from me! I'm like, a hour from you at Princeton! I know people in the mob you know, we could get Pi fucked up-"

"Down girl!" Jules shouted. "Calm down! We're not going to focus on fucking up Pi, we're going to focus on the baby shower, first."

"I don't want Pi killed," I said. "Castrated, but not killed."

"We might be able to arrange that," Nina said. "I'd just love to see Diana get a bad haircut. You think we could bribe her hair dresser at Frederic Fakkai?"

"You know she got knocked up sophomore year," Jules said.

"What?" we all cried.

"Yeah, her parents had her have an abortion. Well, that's the rumor, anyway."

"How did I not know this?" I asked.

"Because she's a manipulative bitch. That's all that was," Jules said. "She was never a good friend to you."

"Let's focus on Alexis, here!" Tara said. "We need to pump her up. Alexis, you are so loved and you aren't alone. This is some major shit that happened to you, but you're going have the cutest baby in the world and it'll all be worth it, I promise!"

"How far along are you?" Nina asked.

"I'm almost five months."

"FIVE MONTHS?" Nina and Jules cried.

"I'll send you guys my ultrasound pictures. I just got one yesterday. I'm having a girl."

"What are you going to name her?" the all said at once.

"I don't know! I need to pick out her name. I'm just calling her Lima Bean right now."

"You haven't already?" Tara asked.

"Why do you call her Lima Bean?" Nina asked, sounding almost grossed out.

"Because on my first ultrasound, she looked like one," I said. "And when I was researching abortion, the fetuses looked like lima beans."

"You were researching _abortion_?" Nina cried, aghast. "Alexis! No! How could you even consider it?"

"I was scared everybody would hate me if I said I was pregnant, I was trying to go for a quick fix before anybody found out," I admitted. I told them the whole story of Pi taking everything, including the abortion fund, and how I went to dad and admitted that I was pregnant, and how I changed my mind at the last second, only to find Pi at our apartment and how Dad punched him for being an asshole.

"I love your dad," Tara said. "And I hate Pi."

"Your dad is such a good guy," Nina said. "I always thought he was so cute!"

"Ew, Nina, gold dig much?" Jules cried. "He's so old!"

"Oh, so what? Alexis, tell us about the baby names you're thinking about," Tara said, changing the subject back to me.

"I wrote down some ideas," I said, getting out the pad of paper I had written it down on. "Cleo, Lucy, Tessa, Lillian, Olive, Pearl-"

"You can't name her Pearl!" Tara cried. "That's just so… Scarlet Letter! You don't want everybody making that connection to her, her whole life!"

"Okay, okay, I'm crossing it out."

I spent most of the morning talking to my friends. Nina hung up and said she was taking the train into New York and was coming to my house immediately. I told her to take her time because I had classes this afternoon and to text me when she was getting back. When I came downstairs, I was starving. Even though two of my friends were being bitches, I knew I had three good friends who were going to support me.

"I think we've told everybody close to us," Dad said, as he made me scrambled eggs. "I'm going to announce it today."

"Da-ad, no!" I cried. "I'm not ready, yet!"

"Alexis, it's not something we can hide. And I owe this to Lima Bean. She's just as important as you. Here," he got out his iPad. He had written the twitter message, but never sent it. "You kept Lima Bean because you said this was the determining moment in your life wether you'd be strong or weak forever. It's time for you to be strong."

_RE last night's tweet: I'm going to be a grandpa! Really excited about the newest member of the family._

"That's it?" I asked.

"Yes, this it," he said. "And I promise, I won't answer any of questions about you, okay? It has to go out. I can't not be proud of my granddaughter."

I didn't want Lima Bean ever feeling like she was something to be shunned. Any problem with that, it came down to me. I remembered the fear of something being wrong with her during the ultrasound, and the sound of her heartbeat and how it brought so much joy to me. This was my trial by fire. I had to put my embarrassment aside that I was pregnant so young, and so unexpectedly. Yes, shade would be thrown at me, but I was not weak. I was strong. This was part of being strong. I already loved her too much to make her life miserable when I didn't have to. None of this situation was her fault and I wasn't going to treat her like something to be ashamed of. She deserved to be loved and celebrated like any other baby. I owed her that. "Okay, send it."

"As is?"

"Yes. Just like that."

He tapped the 'send' button and the message faded from the screen.

"It can't be undone now," Dad said, pushing the plate of eggs across the counter to me. "Thanks for letting me tell the world, sweetheart." He kissed me on the temple and left me to eat.

I checked my Twitter feed, and saw Dad's tweet.

_I can't wait to show my granddaughter to all of you. She's going to be great!_

_I got to see her ultrasound yesterday, and she looks like me. Already!_

Dad was tweeting from the office, and it was nothing but proud grandpa tweets. I loved my dad so much. And then, I saw it.

_But your daughter isn't married. You let her be a slut and get pregnant?_

I felt that churning, grinding sensation in my stomach. And then, I felt Lima Bean kicking. I had never been called a slut and worried about it before. Yeah, when I got bullied by some of the girls at school, they called me a slut, but it didn't bother me that much because I knew they were wrong. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

_She a ho_

There were some nice tweets congratulating Dad, but then the mean ones started, calling me names, claiming he wasn't a good father, good fathers didn't let their unmarried daughters get pregnant, they were never reading his books again. A hand grabbed my shoulder.

"Alexis, close the Twitter feed," Dad said in my ear.

"Dad, they're calling you terrible things! They say they'll never read your books again!" I cried. "What does me being pregnant have to do with your books?"

"Nothing, sweetheart. Just close your feed. You don't need this."

At that moment, tweets began ringing into my feed, most of them calling me a red-headed slut, whore, ho, some were three and four tweets long, telling me I was privileged brat who was tarnishing my father's good name in literature.

"Alexis," Dad said quietly, taking the phone out of my hand. "There's going to be a lot of people judging you and telling you what to do when you didn't ask for their opinion when you're famous."

"I don't want to be famous," I whispered.

"I'm sorry you were born into it. You're famous by extension." He went to close out my feed, but he snorted. "You're tarnishing my good name in literature?" he chuckled. "I didn't know my name was that good in the first place. Listen, Alexis, these people don't know anything about you. It's going to be okay."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castle defends Alexis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys.
> 
> Disclaimer Haiku (from when I wrote this)-  
> It is Black Friday  
> I watch the Kardashians  
> I already shop

I tried to go to my afternoon classes, but the pull of Dad's announcement made me go back to Twitter to see if he had defended me at all since this morning. My phone was filled with missed calls while I had had it on silent, from numbers I didn't know. I pulled up the voicemail and checked it.

There were all kinds of mean messages on there, some making fun of me, others that were just plain disgusting that sounded like someone masturbating telling me I was little slut and I liked it, and others lecturing me about the importance of "keeping your [my] legs shut." I deleted all the messages I didn't know off my phone, horrified, and I opened my email, and it was filled with more vitriolic messages. I shut down my email. I got a text from Tara, which I read.

_Paige and Diana posted your phone number and email on Twitter. Change them NOW!_

I called Dad immediately, he was at the precinct.

"Dad?" I asked. Another text came in. "Dad, my number and email were posted online!"

"What?" he cried. "Okay, calm down and unsync your email from your phone and come home. I'm going to get your number changed immediately. I'll be home in a moment."

"Why do so many people care?" I moaned.

"Because people love sticking their noses in where they don't belong. Go home, Alexis. We'll get you a new number in a moment."

I took the subway to get home and came home to an empty house. I took off my laptop bag, and sank down onto the couch. It was like my worst fears were being recognized; there was nothing worse than being a slut. I had dreaded the whole world hating me for being pregnant, and now it was happening. I went onto Diana's Twitter where she had posted my email and phone number, and it had been retweeted over 500 times; and even worse, she talked about me on it, too.

_She was always such a little whiney bitch in prep school, always had to be the best, & was so jealous. It doesn't surprise me that she got knocked up._

_She probably doesn't even know who the father was._

_Sweetie, green is not a good color on you._

I felt sick again. "Shit," I whispered. "Why? God, I only had sex with one person! One! That's it! And I have hundreds of people talking crap about me online and harassing me? Why? What did I do?"

"You didn't do anything!" a familiar voice rang out as the front door flew open. Nina was standing there, her dark eyes shining. She ran to me and threw her arms around my neck while I sobbed. "Oh, Alexis, this is so unfair. I've already tweeted at Diana she's being a bitch, and Paige for retweeting it! They're so jealous of you!"

I cried even harder. Right now, there was nothing to be jealous of.

* * *

That night, Dad came home with a new phone number for me, and the messages had stopped. "Nina, it's good to see you!" Dad said, giving her a hug. She had made me a bowl of canned soup and cuddled with me on the couch while we watched  _Bridesmaids_  in an attempt to cheer up. While Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig were hysterical, it hadn't worked.

"It's good to see you too, Mr. Castle," Nina said. "I came as soon as I saw what Paige and Diana tweeted."

"Don't respond," Dad said to me, indicating the phone. "They're just trying to cause drama, you always complained about it back in high school."

"They're doing a great job at it," I mumbled.

"I can't get over how cute Alexis is pregnant," Nina said, taking the empty soup bowl to the kitchen. "She's going to be one of those cute pregnant girls, you know, the kind that everybody's jealous of and wants to look like."

"I tell her that she's so cute all of the time," Dad said. "But she doesn't listen."

"My stomach's just looking bloated," I muttered. "I'm going to be disgusting in my third trimester."

"No you're not," Dad said. "You look just like your mom did. Cute, little, and a round bump poking out of your stomach, like the girls in the commercials on TV. You don't look disgusting, I promise."

"I feel different," I muttered. "It's just as bad as I thought it would be. Nobody expected me to do something so dumb as to get pregnant-"

"You're not dumb," Dad interrupted. "Alexis, I told you not to call yourself names. I've known a lot of intelligent people who've gotten into this situation. Don't say those things about yourself. You're so smart. I always said you were the smartest one in our family, but you can't outsmart mother nature sometimes. And a lot of people are going to throw stones, but they have no room to."

"Slut-shaming," Nina piped up. "That's all this is."

"You're right," Dad said. "I've never thought about that before, but it is slut-shaming."

The front door opened and Kate walked in. She greeted Nina first, then came to me for a hug.

"Hi, honey," Kate said to me. "Oh, I'm so sorry, Alexis. People think there's a lot of anonymity on the internet and they can say whatever they want without getting caught."

"Trust me, most of them live in glass houses," Dad reminded me.

"Nina, why don't you stay for dinner?" Kate asked. "We're making chicken piccata and steamed vegetables."

"I would love to," Nina said.

As we were setting the table and Kate was finishing a chicken piccata, Tara and Grams came in the door with Tara's mother, Ellen Hirschel.

"Look who I found in the lobby!" Grams sang.

"Alexis!" Ellen shouted, her arms open. " _Bubula_ , why didn't you come to me? I'm a nurse-" she said something in Yiddish that sounded like _for heaven's sake_. I couldn't resist Ellen's hug. I ran to her, and she squeezed me hard.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I've been so embarrassed about all this-"

"I know," she said. "Do you know how many girls your age came into my doctor's office pregnant when I was still working as a nurse?"

"We've been telling her for the last two months that these things happen," Dad said. "Ellen, Tara, come on in. We're just making dinner."

"Oh, we wouldn't want to intrude in your dinner," Tara said.

"No, you're welcome to stay," Dad insisted.

"I'm ticked at Diana and Paige," Tara said. "I really am."

"We just changed my number," I said glumly. "I've had that number since jr high."

"People think they know everything about you, they don't know a damn thing," Ellen said. "Don't you let them tell you what you are. You know what you are more than they ever will."

We settled in for dinner and I didn't feel much better. The food wasn't that appetizing. I picked at it.

"Eat!" Ellen encouraged. "You've got to feed that baby! Now tell me why you didn't come to me."

"Because I feel so stupid for getting pregnant."

"Alexis, listen to me," Dad said. "I'm tired as hell of you saying that being pregnant makes you stupid. It doesn't."

"Stupid people can't get into Columbia," Kate added. "You're not stupid. You're just pregnant. You're having a baby, and that's it. Smart people make mistakes all the time, no matter what mean people are saying on the internet. It's just the internet, an idiot's playground."

"So Paige and Diana are jealous. Big deal," Nina said.

"What you think of you is entirely more important than what everyone else thinks," Kate insisted. "I know this really rocked your confidence, but you can't be ashamed."

"A lot of people aren't going to understand or be kind or be sympathetic," Grams said. "We think you're very brave to do what you did when you decided to go ahead and have the baby. It was terrifying for me to be a single mother. I had to lie a few times to get decent apartments, saying I was divorced, my ex-husband was a drunk and gambling away all our money, things like that."

"I remember that," Dad said. "But don't call yourself stupid. You'll start believing it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy."

I sighed. "I'm sorry. I feel like all we ever talk about is how insecure I'm getting. I've never had so many people attacking me."

"You think it never happens to me?" Dad asked. "Do you think I didn't have thousands upon thousands of hate letters after killing off Derrick Storm?"

"You did?"

"Of course. Not everybody's going to love you. Had I taken my hate messages so seriously, they would have torn me a new one and I'd have never written a single word again. Most of it I had to laugh off. Writing is very personal. They were just insulting me, but they don't know anything about me."

"It's the same way with acting," Grams said. "Boy, have i had a few stinker reviews! But I had to believe in myself. If I had been calling myself names, I'd have quit acting a long time ago because it would have been written all over my every audition. If you keep telling yourself you're stupid, you're going to carry that over into being a mother."

"Your Grams is right," Ellen said.

"Didn't you tell me that if you had an abortion, you'd be weak for the rest of your life?" Dad said. "I told you to be brave, but now, I want you to be strong. Don't let these people dictate who you are."

"You're a good, smart girl," Ellen continued. "You just got yourself into a spot of trouble and are trying to make the best of it."

* * *

My friends insisted on planning a baby shower after dinner, and we got Jules on the phone as she was packing to leave in the morning to come back to New York from California. She was going to spend the next day in airports to get home. Tara started going through Pinterest to find centerpieces and cake ideas and Nina started looking up baby registries.

"I love this invitation," Tara said.

"Since we already know it's a girl, this makes things so much easier," Nina agreed.

"What kind of stuff am I going to need?" I asked. "I don't want to make my registry for too many things."

"That entirely depends on you," Ellen said. "Like, are you going to breastfeed? Or are you going to go with formula?"

"Well, what if my body doesn't make enough milk?" I said.

"Don't think like that. That's actually pretty rare," Ellen said. "Breastfeeding is an excellent opportunity to show your best assets in public, too."

Dad groaned and stood up, going to the kitchen. We laughed.

"If you're going to breastfeed, I'd encourage you to put the best breastpump on the market on there, not to be spoiled, but because anything less is really inferior and isn't going to do the job."

"But what about when I got back in January?" I asked.

"That's what the breast pump is for."

"At five months, you'll probably be able to start her on cereals or first foods," Ellen said. "The gag reflex that makes bottle-feeding necessary will be gone by the fourth month. You're having this baby at the perfect time because you're getting an entire semester off to take maternity leave."

I saw Kate smile at me when she said that. She got up and sat down beside me, taking my hand.

"I've got the most expensive breastpump at Target right here," Nina said, holding up her iPad. "Is this good?"

"Let me see the details," Ellen said, taking the iPad to scroll down. "That looks good. Now, are you going to go with disposable diapers or cloth?"

"Uh…" I had never considered how cloth diapers were going to be cleaned.

"You just empty the dirty ones in the toilet, flush it, and put it in the diaper genie. Then every night, you put all the dirty cloth diapers in the washer with a cup of bleach and a scoop of detergent on super-hot," Ellen said. "I did that with my babies. It was much, much less expensive than disposables and better for the environment. And Moses had the worst diaper rash when he was put in disposables, cloth diapers are much better on sensitive skin."

"I never considered that," I admitted. Being a ginger, I had terribly sensitive skin. If my baby was a ginger, she'd definitely need her sensitive skin cared for.

"Well, think about it. And with diapers, cloth or disposable, you'll need to get a diaper genie."

"I've heard of those."

"They really help with the smell."

"Yuck, diaper smell," Nina muttered.

"What about the stroller?" Tara said.

"I personally think you'll need a jog stroller, they really are the best overall, especially if you want to get back into shape after having this baby," Ellen said. "But you need a stroller that travels well, too."

"We were just going to have a stroller at the Hamptons House and just leave it there," Kate said. "And have one here."

"Which one should she look into?" Nina asked.

"I think it's best if she sees them in person, first. We need to go shopping for them," Ellen said. "Now. Are you going to be a marsupial or an unattached mom?"

"What's that?"

"Marsupial moms breastfeed, they co-sleep with their babies, hold thems all the time, and let the babies fall asleep in their arms, among other things. Unattached moms get their children used to not being held all the time, sleeping in separate cribs, etc."

"Oh, I didn't know that," I said, feeling bewildered and overwhelmed.

"It's a lot to take in. Marsupial mothering is best for women who know they'll be able to stay home and see to their baby's every need. But you'll be going to back to school in January."

"Isn't unattached parenting bad?" I asked, worried. Was I really ready to have this baby when I couldn't devote myself to her?

"No!" Ellen cried. "Unattached parenting teaches independence. But you'll still be there to comfort her and see to her needs."

"I seriously doubt your father will be able to hold her every time she cries," Kate said. "He'll want both his hands for writing, not just one."

"That's how you were raised," Dad said, coming back into the room, munching on a gingersnap from the kitchen. "Unattached parenting. Your mother was usually gone on auditions during the day, and the only way for me to get any writing done was to put you in the playpen or the crib and let you go to sleep on your own. And your mother only breast-fed you for like, three months before weaning you and you were on formula after that."

"You're not a bad mother if you chose not to breastfeed," Ellen added. "Don't let anybody tell you that. Marsupial Moms are accused of being helicopter parents, too. Don't let anybody shame you for how you chose to raise your child. Make a decision and stick with it."

* * *

After my friends left, I went to check my phone by reflex, and saw that I had text messages from numbers I still didn't recognize.

"Shit," I muttered. "Dad?" I shouted.

"What is it?" he called back from downstairs.

"Dad, they've found my number again," I muttered, going downstairs.

"Oh honey," he muttered. "I'll have these numbers blocked at the phone company, okay?"

"Everybody will get tired of it sooner or later," Kate said to comfort me.

"I think maybe I should just have all our phone accounts changed over to our corporation's name so it's harder for these vandals to harass us."

"I think that's a good idea," Kate said.

"I'm going to bed. I just want this to die down."

"It will. Goodnight. Feel better, Alexis," Kate said.

* * *

I woke up the next morning and opened my laptop, avoiding my phone. I needed to get breakfast soon, but I didn't want to go downstairs. A few more harassing text messages had come through, and they didn't make me feel any better.

Jules had emailed me.

_Hey, I just thought I'd let you know that the blog your dad left on his website last night was really touching. I'll see you tonight or tomorrow! Much love!_

_XOXO,_

_-Jules_

Curious, I opened Richard Castle dot net.

_Yesterday, I announced that I'm going to become a grandfather. Yes, I am relatively young to be a grandfather. Yes, my daughter is very young and unmarried. No, she did not expect to find herself pregnant and alone._

_I want to thank all of you who are sharing my happiness. It's been overwhelming. _I appreciate those of you who are congratulating me on being a grandfather because it means a lot to our family to see your support. It's not the perfect situation, but we're making the best of it and I don't see how anything bad could come out of this in the long run.__

_On the other hand, I've gotten a lot of hate messages in the last 24 hours. I know that some of you find a lot of freedom in saying whatever you want on the internet because you think it's anonymous and because in America, we have freedom of speech. Here's the thing; you're not completely free from the consequences of what you say. Just for the record, I can track IP addresses and find the location of your computer if I wanted._

_The sad thing is, most of the hate messages aren't directed at me, but my daughter. I can handle it when people send me hate mail, but I'm turning onto warrior mode over some of the hate directed at her. Her number and personal email were released yesterday on Twitter (by former friends who turned on her when she admitted she was pregnant), and she was cyber-attacked. They were calling her some really cruel and hurtful names when they know nothing about the situation. Our privacy was violated, and we've had to change her number twice; something she wouldn't put up with if I wasn't a famous writer. And all the people telling her she's ruining my "good name?" Do you not know who I am? Look up my arrest record and the gossip columns. Some of you even threatened to stop reading my books because my daughter's having a baby by herself. Go on, I won't miss the hate. You don't know what's gone down with her ex, how dare you judge her for a situation you don't know anything about? You have no right._

_You see my friends, the things you do in your youth basically make it so that you can't talk your children out of doing dumb things later. Hindsight is always 20/20. I lived with my girlfriends all through college, including her mother. I had no leg to stand on when Alexis moved in with her now ex-boyfriend at age nineteen and off my dime last fall._

_On cold a Thursday night in January, she came to my apartment and confessed she was pregnant. She was shaking and crying so uncontrollably all I could see was the little girl I raised; lost and scared and hysterical without any options, at the end of her rope and needing her father's help. Her boyfriend had left without any warning and had taken the money they had saved for an abortion. She was scared out of her mind and needed me. I had to be her father at this moment. This is what fathers do, for those of you who are unaware of how parenting works._ _Alexis just fell under that slim 1-2% that birth control doesn't work on, that's all. She was responsibly using contraception, but it failed. We know who the father is, and he's backed out and said he's not ready to be a dad. I don't have anything nice to say about him, so I'll stop talking about him (the slimy bastard)._

_I made her make the decision of what she wanted to do; eventually, she made the choice to have the baby on her own instead of an abortion. I can't speak for others, but an abortion was the wrong choice for Alexis, and not because I told her what to think. I'm so proud that she made her own choice; it speaks volumes as to what kind of person she is, when she could have aborted the baby and kept the pregnancy a secret, a secret that would have grieved her to keep. I know it would have been so difficult for Alexis to take the guilt of an abortion. She knew it too. Instead, she's opted to take the hate and cruelty from judgmental people to give her baby a chance. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, those were her options. She's been so mature and independent her whole life, and she's doing it again by making her choice._

_She's having a lot of difficulty adjusting to being pregnant and taking the judgment thrown at her. Is she a slut? I have a better understanding of her sexual history than the rest of you will ever have; I raised her for the most part as a hands-on dad, had sole custody of her, and we still have a very close and honest relationship as father and daughter. I don't think she is a slut. Having sex should not warrant slut-shaming, either. Do I want my daughter to have good sex with a boyfriend and eventually a husband that respects her and loves her? Yes, actually, I do because I want her to be happy. I don't want her unable to make choices without my permission, especially something so personal. I'm not the person to make decisions or demands about her sex life because 1. that's gross 2. it's her body, I don't 'own' it and 3. that's not my place in her life. It's hers. But pregnancy makes her private, personal sexual choices very public. There's no real way to avoid the proof of the choices she made that are very visible as she starts to show. This is the very real curse of being a woman that men don't have to put up with._

_Being pregnant doesn't change that she was the Valedictorian of Marlowe Prep, a National Merit Scholar, Marlowe Prep's volunteer of the year three times, Vice-president of Phi Mu Alpha, Vice President of her class, a member of the National Honor Society, or that she's helped the New York Police Department solve cold case crimes- as an amateur. That's only the short of list of her accomplishments. Her resume's pretty impressive. She's not stupid. She's just pregnant. It's not like getting pregnant suddenly erases all logical thought from a woman's head, regardless of what comedians will say. These things just happen._

__I'm set to be the father figure in my granddaughter's life, so I better be a damn good one._ I'm not going to treat Alexis or my granddaughter with disappointment or contempt. All that would do would make them both believe that they're worthless and stupid, and I'd be failing as a father. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy, it would crush them and destroy their lives. I don't ever want to see Alexis just giving up on life like that, so I don't call her names when she disappoints me, I don't constantly remind her she messed up, and I don't hit her to make her do what I want. When she wanted to move in with her now ex-boyfriend, I couldn't stop her by hitting her or manipulating her. Two wrongs don't make a right._

_Also, I've seen Alexis express a lot of guilt over this whole situation, which I wish she wouldn't do. She hasn't committed a crime._ _I see people every day who have committed murder or attempted it for selfish reasons while doing my research. The survivors will never recover. Those are real crimes. If bringing a new, beautiful little angel into this world a little early in her own life is the worst thing Alexis ever does, I'm a blessed, lucky man to be her father. How cool is it that I get to be a part of my grandkid's life while I'm still young and healthy enough to enjoy it? Very cool. And I don't love Alexis any less for coming to me when it seemed like her whole world was falling apart- because it's not. She's just becoming a mom while she's getting her education finished. I think my daughter's going to be the next Wendy Davis or Jenna Lyons or Marissa Meyer or Leticia Van de Putte or Angelina Jolie or_ _whatever she wants to be. She's going to do great things in this world, starting with being a mom and I'm supporting that. Because that's what dads, real dads, do._

_This is the last I'm ever going to say about the people attacking Alexis. From here on out, I'm just going to be a proud grandpa-to-be and I'll be filling you all in on her pregnancy (as much as she'll let me). If I'm going to pay attention to anymore of the hate-mail, it's going to be because I'm satirizing it on my blog. Send it away if you want. Chances are, I probably won't be reading it._

I closed my laptop, touched, in tears that my father would defend me like that.

Dad was downstairs, making coffee and Kate was reading her iPad at the counter, yawning.

"Hi, honey," she said. She was becoming more comfortable with calling me nicknames.

I went up to Dad and hugged him.

"What's this for?" Dad asked.

"This is for you being the best dad ever," I said.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis and Kate have a heart-to-heart when faced with insomnia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys.
> 
> Disclaimer Haiku:  
> Cat, soft and fluffy  
> Sorry please Mr. Marlowe  
> Still don't own Castle
> 
> I swore I wouldn't write explicit scenes, but this one edges on it. I changed the ratings on this story because of that.

After a day at Babies R' Us with Jules, Nina, Tara, Grams, Kate, and Ellen making a baby registry, we went to dinner, where Lainey met us. It was a big afternoon, and I was getting tired. Ellen said this was completely normal, overtalking Lainey, who looked a little annoyed. After this, I opted to go to bed early because I was feeling so sleepy. My friends went out, instead, there was a night club they were going to go to. This is what my life was going be: staying home when all my friends were going out because I was physically too tired.

I got an email from Pi's mother, who asked me if I had had genetic testing to prove that the baby was really Pi's. I wrote back to her that yes, Pi was the father, and he had already agreed to give up his paternity rights, annoyed. I was certain she had seen Dad's blog about me and figured it out, although he had never named Pi as my baby's father. What I knew was that she was a fierce conservative that didn't like that Pi wasn't going to college and was living in Copenhagen, and she didn't like me for getting an apartment with him. I met her once last fall when they came to New York, and she criticized everything about me and everything Pi did, too. She left me with some kind of religious tract pamphlet about promiscuity on my side of the bed when I wasn't looking. Pi just shrugged it off and said she was into her church. She used it for an excuse to be a bitch. I figured Pi never told his family about our breakup and why. I didn't ever hear back from her after that. I supposed Pi's parents didn't even want anything to do with us.

I dreamed very vividly about my first time with Pi. In that plantation in Costa Rica, we had all been switching beds and rooms, and everybody was hooking up. There was also a ton a weed around, too. I had never smoked weed before that trip, but I didn't want to be the prude, I wanted to fit in. So I had sat down in the circles and smoked, looking painfully inexperienced. Pi had taken an interest in me. I took an interest in him; his laid-back style, his jokes, his sense of humor. I slipped into his bed the night after I met him. "We've got a connection," he said into my ear as I licked the little mole on his neck where his beard ended. Max and I had fooled around a lot, but I had never been completely naked with a guy. It helped being completely stoned to take all of my clothes off. It was exhilarating, it was fun, it was new and forbidden. I remember the nervous excitement of taking a shower with Pi in the tiny community bathroom and running back to the dorms in a towel. He walked across the courtyard of the plantation naked in the dark, and I tagged behind, too shy and wrapping myself tightly in the towel. We even went skinny dipping a few times, which was exciting too. Pi kept on pushing me to have sex with him. I wanted to, the idea excited me, but it scared me. I confessed I was a virgin to him a week after we met.  Would I be any good at it? We had gotten to third base without any problems; he asked me if I had ever had a dick in my pretty little mouth one night as he was slipping his fingers inside me, pumping them away. I blushed and shook my head. He pulled his hand out and took his cock by the base. “Go, on try it,” he coaxed. “And pull your hair back, I want to watch you.”

I took a few deep breaths and cupped his member in my hand. I could do this. It was just a cock, right? I had to put aside my own personal fear and disgust if it tasted weird, and I went down on him. I had seen blow jobs in internet porn, so I sort of knew what to do, until he came in the back of my throat. I gagged and he laughed. “Don’t swallow during your first blow job. Weren’t you listening to me?” he asked, stroking my hair. I coughed until I thought I’d pass out, and spat what I could out into the wastebasket, wiping my eyes. He laughed, and I felt terribly ashamed-- so much so that I didn’t want him knowing it bothered me.

I should know this by now. I remembered thinking. I feared that I didn’t fit in, that I was strange, incomplete, wrong in some sense because I didn’t know basic things like this and I probably looked like an inexperienced fool with him. Why had I been so prudish with my exes? Why hadn’t I gone done on at least one of them yet? Had sex, at least?

He kept on telling me I need to try to have sex before I turned twenty. Twenty-something virgins were kind of pathetic. I felt like there was something wrong with me; I was still a virgin when all my other college friends were not. Pi and I continued to fool around the entire week until finally, he insisted we do the deed, and I was terrified. I fought with myself with every blow job I gave him. It was like an argument in my head that I was a freak. None of my friends were virgins. I was. Was I asexual? Stupid? Unlikeable? It brought up the fears that this was why my mother left; there was something, even more inexplicable, further than my sexuality, that she had seen in me and rejected. That was why she left Dad; she had a freak daughter, and Dad put up with me when she left me with her. I had never been so insecure in my whole life.

“Do you want to fuck tonight?” he asked me, squeezing my breast.

Yes, I wanted to, but what if I were bad at it? I lifted my head, unable to form a response.

"It's alright, I'll be gentle," he said as I pulled my own naked body off his.

"Do you have a condom?" I asked, sitting up, covering my breasts. He was attracted enough to me to fool around with me, didn’t that make me good enough? Would it cover up was a freak I was?

"Yep."

He got out of the bed naked, sorting through his trunk. He had no problem with nudity. I was trying to get used to it. For years in prep school, I had spent my time at the track trying to run off all the excess fat on my body, hoping that I could control that, at least. I knew I bordered on being eating disordered, but he accepted my body, I gave him an erection when I was naked, didn’t I? I let go of my breasts, trying to appear to be proud of my body for once. He tossed the condom down beside me, inhaling off the blunt we had been smoking that night.

“It’s a good strain,” he told me, handing the refilled cigar to me. "Come on, puff, babe! This is going to hurt, you might as well be high!" I did; I took a hard inhale and choked a little on the burning drip while he massaged the inside of my thigh, his mouth finding different areas of my body to kiss. Again, the soft purple black-light colored Christmas lights got brighter with each puff. I remember seeing the purple reflection of a barcode on his back shoulder against the other tattoo of a trio of mushrooms in black as I looked over her shoulder while he laid atop me. He didn't have a barcode tattoo. I had to be really stoned.

He entered me, and I gasped. It felt a bit dry, and the friction was not pleasant. Why hadn’t it occurred to me to get some lotion, at least, for lubrication? “Pi!” I whined.

“Yeah, Lex?”

“Mmm… it hurts!”

“I... told... you,” he grunted, punctuating each syllable with a trust.

I tried to bear the pain. Even while high, it still hurt. Fuck. “Pi, it hurts!” I moaned. “Stop!”

“Almost done,” he whispered in my ear. He shushed me. “I’ll speed up.”

I gasped in pain. It felt period cramps, almost, just more intense. He kept on pounding away inside me, my entrance too dry to be fucked, I needed lube, and then, he came with a shuddering moan in my ear. He pulled out and my relief was palpable. Finally, I felt something liquid and warm between my thighs.

“I’ve gotta take care of this,” he said, getting up from the bed. I looked down at myself, I pressed my fingers to my cleft, only to bring them back up with blood.

I had bled. I carefully got out of the bed, only to see blood stains on the sheets.

I jumped when I heard Pi chuckling over my shoulder. “That’s so cute! I’ve never seen a virgin actually bleed,” he noted. “You won’t bleed next time.” It sure as hell didn’t feel cute. I scampered down the hall to the toilets wearing a pair of shorts and some t-shirt I had found that smelled like him, where I dabbed at my bleeding vagina with a wad of toilet paper.

I had been too high. I could have pushed him away when it got to be too much, but I hadn’t. But this was special, right? I liked Pi a lot at this time, and I was enamoured with him. He had hurt me, but that was because I had been a virgin, and virgins bled when they had sex for the first time, I reasoned. I never really remembered much other than the pain, the spinning, and the blood. The first time’s supposed to be painful.

Pi came down the hall to find me with my shorts down, holding a fresh wad of toilet paper between my thighs. “It’ll get better,” he promised. “You won’t bleed next time. I don’t think.” Once I stopped bleeding, he took me back to our room, where he kissed and held me, and gave me another blunt to ease the pain.

The world around me was spinning. We both were. I didn't remember my first time as well as I wanted to, asides from the utter forbidden magic feeling beforehand, and the sharp pain that I had endured during it and him shushing me. I felt like a small child being told my feelings weren’t “correct” and how to correctly feel, which went against my gut instinct.

I woke up around midnight in my room in New York, feeling hot all over and a little ashamed. I wanted more of it. I wished I had been with someone who cared enough to see me through an accidental pregnancy, someone who had stuck around. The way things ended with Pi, that I ended up pregnant and alone and he was back in Copenhagen, probably in a hashish bar right now getting stoned, it all seemed really unfair. I was doubling up on birth control with the next man I slept with- I'd make him wear a condom, even if I was on the pill. Of course, I didn't feel like dating right now. I did not have a crush on anyone, I wasn't even looking.

The Keurig was glowing blue in a corner of the downstairs in the dark right now. Dad had gotten some low-sugar hot chocolate cups for me, since all I could drink was decaff coffee and had been battled caffeine withdrawal headaches this entire pregnancy so far. I sneaked downstairs and put one on. I had taken my phone with me so I could check Pi's Instagram. Pi was a foodie, he had been posting pictures of his meals the last two months. I scrolled through his feed, and occasionally, there were pictures of him with groups of people, eyes red from the flash, selfies, and I could tell he had been smoking up. I recognized that expression. There were a few of me high, my eyes squinted close, grinning like moron. I had untagged myself and deleted all the ones that looked like I was stoned at this point. He hadn't posted pictures of himself with one girl since he had left to go back to Copenhagen. I hated thinking about him getting together with another person. It struck me that the way I gave up my virginity had been wrong and stupid. Pi had been a loser, but I hadn't been able to see it at all.

I heard something towards the study. I saw Kate emerge, bed-headed. "I thought I heard the Keurig," she said groggily. "You're up?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm getting really vivid pregnancy dreams."

"Anything good? Your dad gets ideas from everywhere."

"I was just thinking about Pi and having a hot chocolate."

"Sounds good. I might join you in one."

I took a seat at the counter on one of the barstools, waiting on my hot chocolate. She rinsed out her favorite coffee mug and washed it while mine finished. I couldn't stop thinking about that dream it was so vivid... the purple glow-in-the-dark barcode... Me being so desperate for acceptance that I fooled myself into thinking Pi was a better person than he actually was.

"Kate, can I ask you a really private question?" I asked, toying with my phone. "It's about… sex."

"I've seen pictures of the inside of your uterus, Alexis, I think it's safe to assume we can have a private conversation about it at this point."

Her comment made me smile.

"And you can only talk about sex so much with your father before he starts getting uncomfortable. Asking your grandmother is kind of creepy. I won't breathe a word to either of them."

"My dream was about giving up my virginity to Pi."

"Oh, a sex dream?" she asked knowingly. "The fairer sex has them, too."

I shook my head. "No, it wasn't like… I think I did it the wrong way."

"Why do you say that?" She got my hot chocolate out and handed it to me. I took a sip.

"We were both really stoned," I admitted. "And I hardly knew him at the time. I just liked the attention he gave me and I didn't want to be a virgin anymore."

She smirked and tried to hide it. "Yeah. Actually my first time we were really stoned, too."

"You? Stoned?" I asked incredulously.

She chuckled. "Yes, me. I'm not a prude, I had my wild period of time, my rebellious phase. It was with a really popular senior at my high school, and... we were all smoking a bowl and he was paying attention to me and I wanted his attention, I was so flattered. It with him wasn't that great, either. I wish I had waited for my freshman year boyfriend. He really worshipped me."

I was horrified. She had been younger then a freshman in high school? "How old were you when you gave it up?"

"Oh," she laughed. "I meant my freshman year of college boyfriend. I went into college and was in a relationship, and we broke up first semester, long-distance didn't work. In the spring semester, I met a really great man, his name was Guy. And I loved him a lot. I just remember my mother liked him too. But when she died, he said I just closed off. He was hurt by that. I didn't understand what he meant, I just wanted privacy. I get it now. You know, I probably would have married him had my mother not died."

I frowned and nodded. "Wouldn't it have been terrible if I had married Pi?"

She shrugged. "We all make mistakes. Especially with men. We look for a man as good as our fathers, and then realize he's not really out there. Well, it takes a while to find him, sometimes, maybe he is out there."

"Yeah. It wouldn't be the end of the world if I married a guy that was just like my dad."

"Your dad, yeah," she chuckled.

I thought about Lima Bean. She didn't have a dad waiting on her. Dad was being really great and offering to be that for her, but it felt like I had really screwed it up. Who knew when I'd meet the man in my life that was supposed to be the one. "Did you have to date a lot?" I asked. "After Guy, I mean."

"I ended up with a lot of men I didn't really feel much towards over the years after that. I think we mourn in different ways."

"So, is it normal for your first time to suck?"

"Did yours?"

"I have a hard time remembering, I was so stoned."

She chuckled. "It's definitely a crap shoot. It can be really great or really messed up or really boring. I think the worst guy I ever slept with finished fast. High school boys are like that. Like, less than two minutes."

"Jeez, Kate, how many have high school boys have you slept with? You're making it sound like you banged the whole football team."

"I'm sorry," she laughed. "I was talking about that popular boy. My first. It happened and I was like, 'what's the big deal about this? It sucks and it's really stupid.' And I was single my junior year, by choice. I met a guy my senior year who was a college boy. I met him while touring colleges, he went to USC Santa Clara, but I chose Stanford, but we did it that night during the tour and had a long-distance email relationship for the next ten months. So my high school total was two."

"Hmm," I said. "Not bad. Mine was a goose egg. I doubt I'll ever date anybody again if kids are exhausting as they say they are."

"It's perfectly fine to be single for long periods of time. It's like time to regroup your thoughts and feelings and not bring baggage into the next relationship you get into."

"I don't know how I'll not bring baggage. Pi really changed me. I changed myself to like him. I'd have never smoked so much weed and had sex with him had we not met during that field trip."

"I think it has to happen once before you see it. At least. Since my senior year boyfriend, I was never defined by the men I was dating. They didn't create my personality. I love it when women start dating someone new and their interests change. I think that's so lame."

"I think Pi and my only common interests were sex and weed."

"Well, you could have worse common interests with someone. A lot of relationships are driven by sex and nothing else."

"I'm not sure if I sucked at it or not though," I admitted. "I think I just laid there. But it was exciting and forbidden and it felt like-"

"Magic," she agreed with me.

"It's kind of exciting to be doing something your parents wouldn't approve of," she said. "But, then again, he could really suck at sex you just don't know it. It's hard to tell the first time. You'll know good sex when it happens."

"Pi never told me if I was good or not."

"Don't worry about that," she scoffed. "People only say that to have something to say after sex. People lie. Just because your first partner sucked it doesn't mean all the sex you'll ever have for the rest of your life will. Unless you married him and aren't in an open relationship." Her hot chocolate was done and she blew on it before taking a sip. "Some people are just not going to be sexually compatible with you. You could like someone a lot and the sex is terrible. He fumbles with everything, or has to hide under the covers with the lights off, that's annoying."

"Oh, Pi had no problem with nudity. I'd come home, and he'd be buck naked in front of a fan in our apartment, drinking a beer. Of course, we had no air conditioning and that was before the cold weather came in."

"Did you have a problem with it?"

"No!" I cried. "I didn't mind at all! Honestly, I had never seen a naked man before in real life before him!"

We giggled. "I really think it's important to have sex with several people, not just one simply because of sexual compatibility."

"Do you mean you think it's a good idea for me to be sleep with a lot of men?"

She shrugged. "No. That's up to you. You have to decide if you like a guy enough for crappy sex or if good sex is more important loving him before you settle down."

"So you're saying I can have great sex and not love somebody?"

"Oh yes. You can have amazing sex and completely hate him. Just don't over-do it on the angry hate sex. Hate sex is fun, but it's kind of empty if you do it all the time... Why are you asking? Is there somebody new you want to sleep with already?"

I shook my head. "No," I admitted. "I don't think I could do it with somebody new while I'm this far along. I just feel like I'll never do it again, especially with this baby." I rubbed my stomach.

"You will," she said. "Eventually. In a few years, you're going to start meeting men your own age with kids and ex-wives and ex-girlfriends, and you having a kid won't be a big deal."

"You think? Even though I'm only twenty?"

"OF course. I've dated guys with children before, the trick is to lock the door, no matter how old the kids are."

"Oh," I said, then realized she meant me. She took a sip from her cup and grinned at me mischievously. "Oh, you suck!"

"Yeah, I'm sure you'd have appreciated walking in on us completely hungover."

"I didn't-" I protested

"Yes, you were!" she teased.

"Ugh… Yes, I got completely drunk off my ass that night after graduation," I admitted, blushing. I laughed. "I can't believe you remember that."

"I remember your dad making me hide in the closet completely naked because he wasn't expecting you or your grandma home," she said, an uncontrollable grin crossing her face, thinking. "I was so embarrassed. We should have gone to my place."

"Why do you think Pi and I got an apartment?" I snorted.

"For obvious reasons."

We both laughed. My phone went dark on the counter.

"I never thought I'd see you hungover," she said.

"I bet you never thought you'd see me pregnant before I got married, either."

"Hey, fewer and fewer people are getting married anymore to have kids," she offered. "Marriage isn't a big deal. It's very patriarchial and expensive to end."

"But isn't that the point? Forever? Death do us part?"

"I guess. I told your dad a few years back I was a One-and-Done kind of girl when he admitted he was going for third-time's-the-charm."

"Then why are you?" I asked. "Why are you waiting until you've been married to start a family?"

She shrugged. "A part of me is a little old-fashioned, I guess."

"Are you going to take our last name?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. I've made a name for myself, I don't want to give it up. But that doesn't mean I'd make our kids have a hyphenated last name. Because what happens if they get married and want to take their spouse's name? What then?"

I nodded. "Maybe I should be happy that Pi isn't messing up this baby's life. He'd be a terrible father, come to think of it."

"I'm personally relieved he's gone," Kate added.

My phone lit up again, but I didn't touch it. "I've been cyberstalking him on Instagram and Twitter."

"What? Have you been talking to him?"

"What? No!" I cried. "I just check his social media accounts obsessively."

"Don't torture yourself like that. What you are doing is not cyberstalking, not like those people have been doing to you," she said, suddenly serious. "It's been a pain to see what kind of charges we can file, the problem is, most of this is done from the internet, and all of them can claim they weren't at the computer at the time and we have nothing to go on. That's the problem with hackers."

"None of them would have been bothering me if it weren't for Diana and Paige."

"They'd have found a way," Kate said. "People suck. I'd push for harder laws against cyberbullying like that if I were in Congress. I see it all the time in juvenile homicides; cyberbullying, pushing someone to the brink just because it's funny until someone gets hurt or brings a gun to school…"

I had to admit to myself that I had let Diana and Paige push me into some passive-aggressive gossiping and bullying in high school. I hated myself for not being stronger. "Perfect hindsight is 20/20," I muttered.

"You're not kidding." Kate sighed. I saw something dark cloud her eyes.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked, nervous.

She shook her head. “Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

She pressed her lips together. “Well…  found out later that my first, that senior, he was kind of… rapey.”

My jaw dropped.

“He was at another party,” she began, “fooling around with a friend of mine later that year, and he… the way she told it, it left me a bad taste in my mouth for him. I felt so guilty because I thought… for a moment, I thought she lead him on and should have finished it with him… and now, I feel like shit for thinking that.”

“You never said it?”

She shook her head. “She was having sex with him. She just wasn’t liking it and he started to get rough with her, and she asked him to stop, but he didn’t.”

I felt sick. I had asked Pi to stop, but he told me to be quiet, and insisted on finishing.

“Alexis, are you okay?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer. “What did she do?” I asked.

“She didn’t get far. All the evidence was gone by the time she said anything, and it was basically her word against his. And with the rape culture in this society, she got slut-shamed and eventually transferred schools to get away from it. The more I learned about it in college, the more disturbing the whole thing was to think about.”

“Where is she now?”

Kate shrugged. “I could probably find her in the police databases, but I lost track of her a while back. Why do you ask?”

“I just want to be clear on something,” I said. “if he’s already inside you, and you ask him to stop, does that make it a rape?”

“Yes,” Kate replied without a moment’s hesitation. “Why do you ask?”

“I was just trying to clarify,” I repeated, afraid she saw it in my eyes. I hated Pi, but I still wanted him to come back to me and be there for me. Had he raped me? By this definition, yes, he had. But a part of me still wanted to love him. I had been inexperienced, a virgin that time. It had gotten better. Why did the definition of rape have to include people I had mixed feelings about? Rapists were the worst of the worst, weren’t they? Pi wasn’t, though. He was childish and ran from responsibility, but was he as terrible as a rapist? I realized I didn’t know. I really did not.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis' friends throw a baby shower with a mystery guest arriving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox.

 

I wanted to continue the Castle tradition of naming my child after a famous writer. I already knew I'd use the middle name Eudora after Eudora Welty. I read her book,  _The Robber Bridegroom,_  my freshman year at Columbia, and had loved her writing. Just for fun, I read  _The Optimist's Daughter._  She struck a chord with me; I had often worried that my father would marry someone like Fay McKelva, and I'd be stuck as the second person in line after his death with everything taken from me. I was not sure Kate would be Fay McKelva to my Laurel Hand when I read it, but she was not. I understood that we came into the story when it was already half-finished. Maybe that's what I felt like my child would be; entering my story when it was already partially finished. I was puzzled as to what to name her.

I had crossed off Lillian, Tessa, and Lucy. Olive Eudora sounded wrong to me for some reason, so did Cleo Eudora.

Erin and I met for coffee on Monday to do our portion of the project and just talked about things. I was really relieved to find another friendly soul so nearby when all my friends were going to school out of town, and I appreciated it because the harassing had died down to a few emails. She was a social work major and wanted to be a LCSW that did family counseling, psychology was her minor. Her father committed suicide when she was ten, and she had been raised by her grandparents, they had money and sent her to school. She had spent a lot of time in LCSW sessions, which helped her. That's why she wanted to be one. Erin asked me where I was registered, and I invited her to the baby shower instead.

Since my best friends were off for spring break this week, they wanted to go out to dinner every night so we could plan most of this party before their spring break was over. I ended up fiddling and changing my registry later. I understood why new mommies required baby showers; having a baby was incredibly expensive. Dad offered to buy the crib I wanted, and he took me shopping at the Metropolian Furniture Company, he told me not to look at the price tag, only the best for his granddaugher. I found a good one that would convert into a toddler bed later, so it was functional. When I looked at the tag, I gasped; it was over eight hundred dollars. The idea of being a Marsupial Mom and have my baby co-sleep with me sounded enticing. Her toddler bed would be worse.

The jogging strollers we were looking at were over three hundred, and Dad insisted I needed several as the baby got bigger, she wouldn't fit into the same one as a one-year-old as she would as a newborn, and the carseat prices were ridiculous. Thank goodness I lived in New York and didn't need a car based on that alone. The high chairs? Forget it. Dad insisted he'd pay for all of these things if I didn't get them at the baby shower. I was so thankful for my father's insistence on taking care of me and Lima Bean.

My group project went well and we got As. The group wanted to get together one last time before finals in the Starbucks in the library, we enjoyed each other's company. Erin and I met for lunch and had paninis at the cafeteria that day, she was moving into a new apartment and staying in New York during the summer, taking classes and doing an internship. She wanted to be in the waiting room at the hospital when I went into labor. My friends had become friends with her; they wanted to hang out with her some this summer, especially in the Hamptons. We got some coffees, and went to the study room where we were going to meet the group. They surprised me with a baby present: the Giggle Garden Activity Gym.

"We were all certain you were pregnant when we were put in the group," Erin said.

"We kept on bugging Erin because you seemed to have made friends with her," Nazim said. "Why didn't you just admit it?"

"I wanted to see if I could hide it until the end of the semester?" I offered. "I guess that was useless. But you guys, this is so sweet! I know she'll love it. I'll put it to good use when she gets here."

"Can we come and visit when she gets here?" Aruun asked. "I'll probably still be around New York after graduation."

"Of course!" I cried. "I would love to have you all visit. You've got my number. And my email. Hopefully, I won't have to change it again."

* * *

The baby shower happened at a restaurant near my Dad's house in June.

"I didn't think I could get any bigger than I already am," I said as I rubbed more cocoa butter onto my stomach in my bathroom. The stretch marks were minimal. "And that was a month ago."

"Relax," Grams said. "You've only gained eighteen pounds so far. You probably need to gain more, and you're already seven months along."

I sighed and tugged my light blue chiffon maternity top over my skinny-leg ankle-length maternity jeans. At this point, I really thought that referring to my jeans as  _skinny_  was in the sense of irony only. There was only so much  _skinny_  a pregnant woman could pull off. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful. Radiant. Precious. I could go on."

"Can you please?"

"Ravishing, darling…"

I slipped into my light-blue flats, which were already feeling a little tight. "Okay, I've got my shoes on, I don't want to be late. Let's go."

Grams got out her bottle of Chanel No. 5 and held it out to mist me with it. She sprayed the parfum and I walked through it. "Never leave the house without a little perfume, kid. You never know when you'll catch a handsome man's attention."

"Not when I'm this huge!"

Dad and Kate had left earlier on their own to be there ahead of time and meet Jules, Tara, and Nina at the restaurant.

The restaurant had been decorated with pink balloons and streamers with storks and pink baby footprints. Dad met me and took me around to see all the little decorations, like baby pictures of me that were hanging from clotheslines from pink clothespins. "See, I gave them all these pictures of you. I knew they'd come in handy for something other than embarrassing you in front of your boyfriends eventually! And Tara had this cake made." He turned me towards a round, two-tiered cake with with fondant polka dot decorations that said "LIMA BEAN." Next to it was a diaper cake.

I mostly got to see my other friends from Columbia, and some of my other friends from Marlowe Prep who had come into town to attend. Jules, Tara, and Nina's mothers respectively had come, too. I saw Lainey and Jenny sneak in with another lady cop and they traded Sarah Grace around between the three of them, and helped themselves to the pink champagne. There was some pink punch to drink, too. I realized later that she was Ann Hastings, who had been paired with Kate as her new partner at the Precinct. It was mostly an all-girl event and everybody wanted to rub my belly. When it was time for me to open the presents, I was sat down in front of a huge pile of gifts.

"Before she starts," Tara began. "We decided that instead of baby shower games, we're going to have an ice breaker. We're going to tell the story of the first time each of us saw Alexis for the first time. I'll start. I was in kindergarten, starting at Marlowe Day School, and a mean little boy named Rudy took my cookie at snacktime. I started crying and this little red-headed girl offered me half of her cookie and asked me if I wanted to be best friends. I said yes, and we played together the rest of the day. And that was the start of our friendship."

The women in the group went around telling the story about how we had met, some shorter than others.

At last, it was Dad's turn. He thought about for a moment, and then spoke, softly and carefully. "The first time I saw Alexis twenty years ago. In a delivery room. And it was love at first sight."

Everyone "aww"-ed.

"And the first time I saw Alexis, I was arresting her father over his connection to a murder," Kate said. Everyone laughed. I knew Kate had been planning that answer for a long time, because she grinned, too. "Okay, actually I wasn't arresting him, I was just taking him in for questioning. I arrested him a few days later for tampering with police evidence."

"And the first time I saw Alexis, it was the day she was born." I looked at the entrance to the restaurant, and Mom was standing there in sunglasses and holding a present. "You didn't think I'd miss this, did you, Alexis?"

I didn't know how to feel. She didn't want anybody knowing she was a grandmother, but here she was, giving me a present and attending my baby shower. She sat down on Dad's other side as Nina began handing me presents to open. I noticed Grams rolling her eyes in Mom's direction as she talked to Dad and Kate about something the entire time. She was getting really touchy-feely with Dad in front of Kate, which I was certain Kate didn't appreciate.

I got most of everything that had been on my registry. When I got towards the end, I opened up Ann Hasting's present. I tore it open and found it was the carseat I wanted for Lima Bean, the expensive one. "What did you do?" I cried. "It's the carseat I wanted! I hardly know you, Detective Hasting, this is too much!"

"It's actually from the bullpen," Ann said over her champagne flute. "We all chipped in and bought this for you. You know, for when Lima Bean's cruising in the back of the Crown Vic."

"Hey, I'm not letting any suspected criminals near my grandbaby!" Kate cried.

"Your grandbaby," I saw Mom mouth and roll her eyes before taking a chug of champagne. Kate and Grams threw her dirty looks. Dad looked like he wanted to say,  _Can't we all just get along?_ Ellen came over and started a conversation with her to keep her hands off Dad.

"Thank you!" I told her. "I love it!"

"Bullpen… carseat," Jules muttered, taking notes on her iPad. She was taking notes of who gave what gifts.

"And now, for my present! Sorry I couldn't wrap it!" Nina said, jumping up. She ran into the kitchen and pushed out a beautiful polished wood highchair that was painted white with pink detailing. A shiny pink bow was on it.

"Oh, Nina!" I breathed. "It's beautiful!"

Nina beamed "I'm so glad you like it. This is the present the godmother traditionally gets the new mommy-"

"What?" Jules cried, looking offended. "Alexis, you named her godmother and didn't tell me?"

"No, I-"

"Mrs. Guillory, you're Catholic, aren't you?" Nina asked.

"Yes, I guess I could say I am," Mom said, surprised at the question.

"Well, the baby is always the mother's religion, so that makes Alexis Catholic, and since I'm the only one of us that's also Catholic, I'm going to be the godmother so I can help raise the baby in the religion."

I saw Dad and Kate dissolve into silent laughter they tried to conceal.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jules cried, offended. "Alexis didn't name anybody anything yet."

I didn't want to embarrass Nina. "You can all be godmothers to my baby," I offered, hoping that would quell the argument.

"But that still makes me the first godmother," Nina said. "We're both Catholic."

The most Catholic thing I ever did in my memory was take communion at my maternal grandfather's funeral, and it tasted like a sticky cracker with bad wine.

"Alexis isn't anything, and I'm Methodist, so that makes us the same thing to Alexis," Jules said.

Nina opened her mouth to argue, but Tara held up a hand. "There's no reason for us to argue about who is going to be the godmother of Lima Bean. Let's just let Alexis ask in her own time."

"No, her mother's religion makes Alexis Catholic by default. Mrs. Guillory, you had Alexis baptised in the Catholic Church when she was a baby, didn't you?"

"Ricky and I did, yes," Mom agreed. My mother was the least Catholic woman I could possibly think of. "My sister was her godmother."

"See? Alexis is a baptized Catholic-"

I burst into tears. "Doesn't having an illegitimate child mean I'm going to hell and my baby's doomed to limbo and can't be baptized?" I asked.

"Nooo!" Nina cried. "Nooo! You can still get your baby baptized!"

"Girls!" Ellen cried in a peace-keeping effort.

"Okay, this is getting out of control. We're done opening presents," Tara said irritably, helping me to my feet. Kate jumped up and ran over to me to hug me and shield me from my guests. My best friends still argued over who was going to godparent Lima Bean.

"I don't believe in a God that would punish a woman and her baby for making the right choice," she whispered in my ear. "You're doing the right thing."

"What are you talking about, Jewish people don't have godparents, Tara!" Jules argued.

* * *

After I went to the restroom to pee and dry my tears, Kate took me back to the party. Jules and Nina had made up and they apologized to me for fighting at my baby shower. They wanted me to cut the cake because the catering was coming out soon.

"Hi, Mom," I said, when Mom came up to hug me.

"Oh, you look radiant. Until you started crying," she said. "You have such good friends to throw a party like this! I'm so excited about the baby!"

I wanted to respond,  _Really? You've been acting like you can't be Lima's grandmother._

"We made sure she was invited," Kate explained. "You can't have a baby shower without your mom."

"Did you get everything you wanted?" Mom asked.

"Almost. I just don't have enough clothes for Lima Bean, yet."

"Is that what you're naming her?"

"No, I don't have a name for her, yet, so I call her Lima Bean."

"And I think that's a perfect nickname for now," Kate said. "She's thinking about it."

"Well, I'm going to take you shopping for baby clothes for Lima Bean," Mom said. "We've got to do this before I leave town tomorrow."

After the shower was over, Mom insisted on taking me shopping for more baby clothes so we could have some more time together to talk about my baby. I really hadn't spoken much to her since she had insisted Lima Bean wouldn't call her grandma. I loved my mother, and I wished she'd love me back the way I wanted her to, but it seemed like I had really screwed up being something she could love by getting pregnant. I loved it when she paid attention to me like this. I didn't want Lima Bean ever feeling like she had to be perfect to get my attention. She and I stopped off in Starbuck for lattes.

"You know, I would love to have Lima Bean call me Mecie or MomMom," Mom said. The barista called our orders. She hopped up to get them. "Don't you think that's cute? What is Kate going by?"

"I don't know yet. I think Nana."

"Hm," she muttered, taking a sip of her drink. "Nana's such a grandma name, I'm not going to go by that." It struck me; Mom was jealous of Kate. I had never expected that.

When we arrived home with arms full of shopping bags, the living room was filled with the presents from the shower. Dad wanted to film us getting out all the clothes we had bought for the baby, I just wanted to get them hung up.

"You've got to get your nursery all organized before the baby's here," Mom said. "Is there even going to be room for a baby in this apartment?"

"Gram is moving out," I explained. "The nursery is going to be Gram's old room."

"You're forcing your poor, elderly grandmother out?" Mom asked.

"Mom," I warned. Grams got up from her seat on the couch and walked upstairs, muttering under her breath. Mom seemed pleased with herself. "Mom, thank you so much for taking me shopping for Lima Bean's wardrobe. I'm really tired, I think I need to take a nap."

"Okay," she said, hugging me and kissing me on the cheek. "I love you so much Alexis, and I'm so proud of you. Call me tomorrow when I'm back in Malibu!" She kissed her fingertips and blew kiss at me before leaving. Kate threw me a sympathetic look.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On a Hampton's weekend trip now that classes are over, Alexis names Lima Bean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. 
> 
> Today's Castle disclaimer Haiku:  
> Kate Beckett I'm not  
> Richard Castle writes original fiction  
> I'm not the writer

 

Kate, Dad and I spent a summer weekend in the Hamptons, where I was planning on relaxing on the beach, but instead, I felt like a beached whale. I felt Lima Bean kick. She was waking up and moving, which was a good thing. I had read about the breech births and that movement was a good thing inside the womb. I only had seven weeks before Lima Bean was here and I still hadn't decided on a name for her. I sat under an umbrella by the pool, protecting my skin. I was too shy to wear a bathing suit of any kind while pregnant, while especially this far along. It wasn't the stretch marks, just my sheer size. Jenny insisted I'd get bigger than I already was. I was already so fat my ass was too enormous for anything other than yoga pants and I couldn't tie my shoes anymore (not that they fit), so I was mostly wearing flip-flops.

Dad was barbecuing ribs for dinner since I was craving them. It was going to be an all-afternoon event. Kate sat down beside me on the patio chair next to mine.

"How are you feeling? Sleepy?"

"I'm sleepy all the time," I admitted. "I look like a beached whale. And it's summertime, so hot!"

"I know," she said. "The pregnancy is almost over. I'm sorry you have to be pregnant through the whole summer."

"It's so hot and uncomfortable," I complained. "Do you think Lima Bean's hot and uncomfortable?"

"She's probably just fine," Kate said, sitting up to roll up my yoga pants so I wasn't all covered up and sweaty. She started rubbing my feet, too.

"Pi should be doing that."

Pi had signed off all parental responsibility a few weeks ago in a legal document sent him by Dad's lawyers. We didn't talk about it, he never contacted me. Just a notarized signature in the mail; Preston Ignatius Elliot, and it had been sent across seas in an thick envelope by courier, it required a signature upon receipt. And that was the end of Pi's responsibilities towards me and Lima Bean forever.

"You know, I think we need to stop using the word  _Pi_  altogether," Kate said. "Like maybe refer to pies as  _tarts_  like the British do. And the numerical term 3.14 as March the 14th."

"He's probably getting stoned in a hashish bar right now," I grumbled, pulling up Instagram.

"Put down the phone. You don't need any reminder of him in your life."

"I've already got a reminder," I said, rubbing my enormous bump.

"I don't really have any good advice about forgetting him," Kate admitted, sighing.

"Couldn't I have had Ryan Gosling's baby? He'd have stuck around."

"You and me both, kid," she joked, grinning. "Actually, I'm old enough that I was more into Johnny Depp and Jeff Buckley."

"Johnny Depp?" I repeated. "He's so old!"

"Shaddup," Kate teased. "He's still sexy. And hot. And talented. Don't tell your dad I said that, though!"

"Pinkie promise," I said, holding out my pinkie finger. She hooked hers in mine and we kissed our thumbs.

"His movies have kind of sucked the last few years," Kate admitted. "But I loved his stuff in the nineties."

"Me too," I admitted.

* * *

Over dinner, we had a long conversation about what I was going to name Lima Bean.

"I'm down to Tessa Eudora and Olive Eudora, but that's it," I admitted. "I'm not crazy about either one."

"I know you're trying to continue the tradition of writer middle names," Dad began. "But Eudora's not a popular middle name. Maybe make it the first?"

"Eudora Olive Castle," I muttered. I shook my head. "No. Eudora Tessa Castle. I don't like this."

"What about the names you nixed?" Kate asked.

"I had Lucy, Lillian, and Pearl."

"Every time I hear the name Pearl, I think of  _the Landlord_ ," Dad chuckled. " _Give me my moneeeey! You pay now!_!"

"Oh, you're right," I admitted.

"Why did you nix Lucy?" Kate asked.

"Because every is naming their kid Lucy around New York," I admitted.

"And Lillian?"

"Too formal."

"Well, she could go by Lily. Or Lil."

"Lily?" I asked. "Lillian Eudora Castle. Lily Castle."

"It's got a ring to it," Dad said.

"I like that. A lot! I think I've just named my baby!"

* * *

We got home from the Hamptons and Grams had moved out into her own place; her room had been transformed over the weekend into a nursery.

"Dad!" I cried, awstruck. "What did you have done?"

"Do you like it?" he asked, coming upstairs.

"I love it! It's so perfect for a little girl!"

"I came up with it with my designer and I hired a professional to organize it, see?" he said, tugging out a drawer of baby clothes. "Man, they did a good job!"

"Where's Grams?"

"She got an apartment in the Upper West Side she moved into, she's fine."

"It's really hard keeping a secret from you," Kate added, coming upstairs.

All Lily's things were organized, the changing table was all set up, the cloth diapers were waiting and carefully arranged, and there was a set of foot-tall letters in pink spelling LILY out over the crib and there was a glider chair for me to sit in beside a lamp and a bookshelf filled with toys and a few books. I knew Dad was going to find a way to fill that bookshelf for her.

"How did they know my baby's name?" I asked. "I just decided on it."

"We texted her the moment you came up with it," Dad said. "Lily. My grandbaby's going to be a Lily Bean and she's almost here."

"I think that's much better than Lima Bean," Kate said.

"I think so, too," I admitted. I opened the door to the closet where all her clothes were hung and organized. I wanted to cry it was so perfect. "Can we go see Grams in her new apartment?"

"She's teaching right now, but maybe tomorrow," Dad said. "She's probably not unpacked, yet. This was so hard to organize and keep it a secret from you!"

Lily kicked. "She just kicked!" I cried. "She's happy about it, too!"

"I'm going to start a load of laundry," Kate said. "Why don't we all get unpacked and bring down our dirty clothes?"

"Sounds good," Dad said. "I'll start dinner."

I spent at least an hour exploring the new nursery and just being giddy over it. It was so perfect. I loved what Dad had done for it; it was better than anything I could have planned!

After dinner, Kate and I made some popcorn and we sat down to watch something on the TV while folding clothes.

"What do you want to watch?" Kate asked.

"I don't know. Anything good on the DVR?"

She scrolled through and named off a few movies and TV shows we both liked. We couldn't agree. "Well… I've got a TV series I really loved. Maybe you'd like it, too?"

"What is it?"

" _Nebula Nine_?" Kate said nervously. I think she was expecting me to make fun of it.

"No!" Dad shouted from the study. "Don't watch it, Alexis! It's a giant time suck!"

"I could use some time sucked away until Lily gets here!" I called.

"It was cancelled after fourteen episodes!"

"Shut your face!" Kate yelled. Lily rolled over. Or hiccuped, I couldn't tell.

"Lily wants to watch it!" I yelled.

"All Lily can see is black right now!" Dad shouted. "All she wants ice cream!"

"Can you turn up the AC?" I whispered to Kate. "I'm burning up."

Kate got up to turn down the AC and get the DVDs.

"Did somebody touch the thermostat?" Dad yelled.

"I'm hot!" I shouted. "Think of Lily! Kate, hurry up, I'm eating all the popcorn!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N- I hope you guys love the baby name I chose for Alexis's baby!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An excruciating summer continues for a very pregnant Alexis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys.
> 
> I'm too tired to write a Haiku today. Maybe I'll update it later tonight and I'll have one for all of you and Mr. Marlowe.

 

The weeks went by. I tried to lunch with Tara, Jules, and Nina, who had agreed they'd all be godmother to Lily. I still stalked Pi to see what he was doing on Instagram and considered emailing him to see if he'd change his mind about Lily. Kate and I packed a hospital bag and got to tour the L&D ward of St. Vincent's with Dad, Ellen, and Lainey, who Lainey was still about to kill.

"This is the best room in the whole ward," Dr. Menta said. "You can have your family in here if you want, but I'll need them to stay out of my way."

My dream was that as I was in the stirrups, screaming in pain and Pi walked in, begging for forgiveness, wanting to be a part of Lily's life, and mine, again. I don't think he'd get past Dad if he were in there with me. "Dad, I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know if I want you in the room when I go into labor."

"I understand," Dad said, sounding slightly disappointed.

"I just don't want you looking at my vagina as a baby's splitting it open."

"Hey, I changed your diapers!"

"A lot's changed since then!" We laughed and I felt Lily jump off my cervix like a trampoline and float up in my stomach. She had started doing that inside me. I didn't know there was enough room inside me to do that.

"Do you have a birthing partner?" Dr. Menta asked.

"Do I need one?" I asked.

"You could use a friend or a loved one at your side, even if you're getting an epidural."

"I'll do it!" Ellen shouted. "I'll be her birthing partner."

"Well… Okay," Kate said sheepishly. I had thoroughly enjoyed  _Nebula Nine_ , much to Dad's dismay, and we had been texting theories about the Cravers all week while she was at work.

"Oh, you're going to be her stepmother," Ellen said, as if realizing she couldn't take over parenting responsibilities for me. "You do it."

"You'd think Meredith would be here," Lainey muttered.

"I know," Kate said. "Would you like for me to be your birthing partner, Alexis?"

"I would," I admitted.

"Oh good, there's classes at the Y," Dr. Menta said.

* * *

The last part of July was excruciating. I laid on the couch reading, by an oscillating fan that blew cool air on me, anticipating the brown-outs that always happened when too much electricity was being used in the city. Regardless of the fact that Dad could afford to blast the AC for me, we didn't really need more electricity than everybody else. There were other pregnant women in New York City going through this, or worse, right now. Dad and Dr. Menta did not want to subject me to a three-hour car ride to the Hamptons for a cooler temperature, also because I didn't want to give birth away from Dr. Menta. I was laying there in a pair of knit shorts I used to sleep in that hardly fit my giant ass and the last shirt that fit me. Dad was in his office with the windows open and the lights off, trying to avoid the heat. At least four times a morning, I had to ask Dad to help me up off the couch, since I could not sit up on my own any more, and the pattern repeated in the afternoon after lunch. This was only to go to the bathroom.

My belly button had turned inside out and there was a dark line going down the center of my stomach, along with some stretch marks that absolutely wanted to appear no matter how much cocoa butter I rubbed in. I didn't want people taking pictures of me, either. I had gained twenty-three pounds and I felt like a whale. Kate came home and Grams came with her, often. They made or called in whatever I wanted.

I felt like I was a mooch on them, being so pregnant and useless around the house. Bending over was impossible, now, so when I dropped things, I had to call for help. When I turned around, I knocked things off the counters with my belly. It was embarrassing, and I cried a few times. Dad, Kate, and Grams were quick to comfort me. I just wanted this pregnancy to be over with and to meet Lily.

Kate and I went to parenting classes because, obviously, we had no idea what we were doing. The teacher encouraged us to take home the live birth DVD. We took it home and had a screening; Kate and I screamed in unison, but laughed at the same time as the camera showed the baby's head crowning.

"It looks like an alien!" I shrieked. Lily was practically playing soccer in my stomach she was kicking so much. "That's going to be me!"

"I've seen live birth before, but it's terrifying every time!"

"Is it too late to schedule a C-section?" I begged.

"I think so," Kate said, clutching my arm. The head came out, and we screamed again.

"What are you guys screaming over- Oh God!" Dad cried, coming into the room. He looked horrified and held his hands up to block the view. "Why are you watching this!" He backed out of the room as Kate and I dissolved into horrified laughter, collapsing onto each other.

* * *

Kate took me and Tara out for pedicures the next night, and Grams wanted to meet us. It felt good to have some time with them while Jules was out to interning in Brooklyn at an advertising agency, and Nina was visiting her grandmother in Jersey. It was a bonding moment for all of us as the fish tickled our feet and we screamed and laughed at ourselves.

"Tara, don't tell Nina and Jules, but I want you to be Lily's godmother," I said softly as we sipped decaff lattes.

"You do?" she asked.

"Of course."

"Do I even count as an eligible godmother?"

"I'll make an exception," I said.

* * *

The baby book I had gotten at my shower had a page with 'Daddy and Me' in it. I frowned at it as I examined it. I was supposed to put a picture in there with Lily and her father. I didn’t think I’d ever get a picture of Pi and Lily together. Ever.

I wondered if she’d grow up and try to contact him when she was an adult. What would I tell her about him? Dad had already said to the world that he thought Lily’s father was a “slimy bastard”. There was no hiding it. I knew the feeling of parental abandonment too well, although Mom hadn’t completely abandoned me, she sort of did. I knew I had all kinds of abandonment issues I hadn’t ever faced. Was I going to hand them down to Lily? Was it inevitable? How did I protect my daughter? Could I protect her? I wanted to carve out a perfect life for her, one where she grew up happy, knowing about the possible mistakes she could make, but not make them, magically. I guess this was the terror of mothers everywhere: I wanted to see Lily have a perfect life and not make my mistakes, suffer my heartaches, feel the pain I had felt. But, I couldn’t. There was pain and mistreatment she’d suffer before she was even born.

I wanted to tear out the page, but hesitated. Lily kicked and I rubbed my hand against the little foot poking stomach, as if she was trying to tell me something.

“Stop, kicking, I know you’re there,” I said sweetly to her in a sing-song voice. She stopped kicking, so I took it as a sign she didn’t like the page, either.

I gripped the page near the spine and went to tear it right as there was a knock on the door to my room.

“Alexis?” Kate asked. “Hey, are you feeling alright?”

“I am,” I said, closing the book so she didn’t see the page I was looking at.

“You went upstairs before we even got out the ice cream,” she said, holding out a coffee mug with chocolate ice cream and a spoon sticking out of it. “Do you want it?”

“Oh, that’s so sweet, I’d love some,” I said, accepting it. “Thank you for bringing it to me. As if I haven’t gotten fat enough.”

“You really haven’t,” Kate said. “I swear. How much weight have you gained?”

“Dr. Menta says I’ve gained nineteen pounds,” I admitted.

She sat down on the end of my bed. “I think you’re supposed to gain like thirty,” she said, concerned. “You’re already thirty-five weeks.”

I shrugged. “Less weight to lose when she gets here,” I said, shrugging, taking a bite of ice cream. “Mmm.”

She picked up the baby book and the page I had almost ripped out stood up strangely from the spine, not flush with the rest of the book. She opened it to that page and looked at it for a long time. I felt a little nauseated and the gas was killing me.

“I know what you’re thinking,” I muttered.

“No, you don’t,” she said, closing the book. “Maybe you’ll meet Lily’s real father down the road. A man that wants to take responsibility for her and marry you. Families come together in the most unexpected ways, sometimes.”

I thought about confessing to her my fantasy of Pi coming back and begging to be in our lives again. Although my view of him was now colored in a new light that wasn’t so pretty. Was he a jerk to me, sexually? I had no frame of reference, honestly. The idea that he had hurt me during our first time together, and that could actually be a rape, Kate was an officer of the law. She had an obligation to report violations of the law, but Pi and I had been in Costa Rica when that happened, and he was back in Copenhagen now and wasn’t it hard to extradite a criminal anyway? What would I tell Lily if it got out? How could I protect her from the idea that her father was… well… I didn’t want to think the word.

“Is something up?” Kate asked me, squeezing my now-chubby knee. “Did Pi email you?”

I shook my head. “No, I doubt he ever will again. I’ve just been thinking about that friend of yours… from high school, the one that slept with your first… was he… did you keep up with him?”

She shook her head. “No. I bet if I got on Facebook I could find the moron, but I don’t think I want to be friends with him. Ever. I feel there’s a question you don’t know how to ask me? Alexis, you can trust me.”

Kate read body language for a living, and I panicked at the idea that I was giving off some kind of signal. I was afraid she’d read into it more. “No, I’m just going to finish my ice cream and go to bed. I’m so tired and gassy.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well, okay. Good night.”

“Night.” She stood up and kissed me on the forehead. “You know, you can talk to me about anything, Alexis. If you need me to keep a secret, I will.”

“Thanks, Kate,” I said softly.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis goes into labor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. A disclaimer haiku will come later

It was the night in early August that Kate came home with an armload of groceries and I asked her for some help standing up. She obliged.

"I want to help with making dinner," I said.

"You do? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. What did you get ingredients for?"

"Chicken Marsala, Martha-style," she said. We made dinner together and talked about the book I was reading. I had made this dish before with Grams herself, she was arriving at six for dinner. It was as I was reaching for the glass on the top shelf of the cabinet, on my toes, my arm extended as far as it would go, that I felt something like a thread tear break inside me and something wet run down my legs.

I gasped; had I wet myself? No, the pregnancy class Kate and I took said that it would feel like wetting myself initially when I broke my water.

Kate whirled. "Alexis, honey? What's wrong?"

"I think I just broke my water," I admitted.

"Is that-"

"It's either that or I peed on myself without meaning to!"

"It doesn't smell like it," Kate admitted. "I think you did." She tore a long set of paper towels from the paper towel rack to wad them up and hand it to me. "Okay, everything's going to be fine, you just broke your water and we need to get you to the hospital- Castle! Castle! Richard!"

I honestly thought that breaking my water would feel like just that- water. This was a little thicker, like period blood, the amniotic fluid. I pressed the wad of paper towel between my legs while she ran into the study to tell Grams and Dad that I had just broken my water. She sounded a frantic. Dad raced into the kitchen and guided me to the chair at the dining room table to sit down. The amniotic fluid was still squishing out of me, still. "Does it hurt?" he asked.

I shook my head. "This feels weird."

Kate was verbally freaking out about where the hospital bag had been put, pacing in the living room.

"It's in the baby's room," I called.

"Alexis," Grams said. "It's starting? Lily's on her way?"

"Uh-huh."

"Any contractions?"

"No," I said, thinking about it. "Where's my phone?"

"You want your phone?" she asked.

"I think I left it on the sidetable by the couch." I listened to Kate freaking out that we didn't have all that we needed, and Dad was calming her down. "I don't feel like I'm in labor, yet," I admitted when Grams gave me my phone. I sent a mass text to my friends that I had just broken my water and we were heading to the hospital, and then sent a text to Lainey and Ellen.

"Any contractions yet?" Dad asked me.

"Not yet," I said as he helped me up. The first one hit me, and it felt like menstrual cramps. "Okay, wait! Oh… That's it!" It felt like a spasm of pain in my cervix. "Yeah, I think that's it."

"Do you want to change clothes before we leave?" Dad asked. "I'm going to go get the car ready. Grams and Kate can bring you down." He kissed me on the temple. "I love you, honey."

Grams came downstairs with a fresh pair of pants. I wriggled out of my soaked bottoms and she helped me into them while Kate got frantic about the keys.

"Dad's getting the car," I said. "Come on."

"Oh. He's got the keys, doesn't he?" she said, sounding relieved.

"For his car, not yours," I reminded her.

"Okay," she said, nodding. "Wait, we need to take mine because we can use the gumball and get there faster!"

"Calm down!" I cried. "Kate! It's going to be a while."

"Oh God," she said, her eyes filling with tears. "Yeah, It's going to be."

"Katherine, calm down," Grams said. "The traffic shouldn't be so bad tonight and St. Vincent's isn't that far. We'll get there. She's not going to deliver in the car on the way over."

"I just saw this viral video of a woman giving birth in a car as her husband was driving and-"

I took her hand and squeezed. "Stay calm. Let's go," I said. "You're my birthing partner, you've got to be calm for me and Lily, okay?"

She nodded, tears gathering in her eyes. "I can face down people with guns shooting at me, but I can't face this?"

"It's okay. I'm the one that should be freaking out, right?"

"You're going to," Grams warned.

She nodded and I hugged her. "We're going to be fine," I whispered.

Once she dried her tears, we started towards the elevator. Grams tapped the button a thousand times and it finally came to the top floor. It felt like I had period cramps all over again. Being free from the monthlies had been quite a joy the last nine months, but it was coming back to me in spades, now. I had another contraction when I got into the car and Kate sat in the backseat with me, holding my hand.

We got the hospital in record time, and Dr. Menta was called while I was being wheeled in while in a wheelchair. I honestly thought they only did that in the movies and on TV.

I was given a hospital gown to change into, and Kate and I shooed everybody out and she helped me. It was a a hospital maternity gown, very large, but small in the shoulder, and the nurses came in and hooked me up to a few machines to record my contractions and the TENS machine.

The labor and delivery specialist nurse practitioner checked me and said that I was only two centimeters dilated so far. Kate was a bit twitchy, she fidgeted a lot with her hands, trying to flex and bend her fingers into fists as much as possible. My family stayed in the L&D room for now.

After my first hour in the L&D room, Ellen and Tara arrived and Ellen was jumping out of her skin.

"Alexis, it's really happening!" she cried. "Finally!"

"I'm so excited," Tara said genuinely. "She's a little early."

"Three days is not a big deal," Ellen said. "More than three weeks, they'll put the baby in the NICU in an incubator. Women can go past their due dates and have to be induced, sometimes!"

"I can't wait for the epidural," I admitted. "I usually dope myself up on ibuprofen on my period, that's what this feels like. Really, really bad period cramps."

"Oh honey, it's going to get a lot worse," Ellen said. "But it's all worth it. All of it."

We waited and we waited. The contraction pain got worse as I went along. It felt like hot knives being plunged into my pelvis during contractions by the time Dr. Menta arrived four hours later.

"It looks like everything's fine so far," she said, checking the read outs. She checked my dilation, and I had gotten to three centimeters. "It looks like you're going at a regular pace with dilations. Let's get that epidural administered, finally!"

Once the epidural was in, I felt much, much better, although the pressure was still there. I relaxed a bit for a few hours, although I was still a little bit uncomfortable. By the time I was six centimeters dilated, around three in the morning, Dad handed me his phone. "It's your mother," he said.

"Hi, Mom," I said, taking the phone.

"Hi," she said. "You're going into labor?"

"Yes, I am. What are you doing up?"

"I was at a movie premiere, we just got back from the after party," she said. "It's happening?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Officially, I'm not going to sleep a wink tonight now. I can't even remember how bad the pain was when I was in labor with you," she said. "I got an epidural and that was just the way to go."

"Yeah, I think it is, personally. I just got mine."

"Well, be strong. You're going to be a mommy soon, and I'm really proud of you for going ahead and having this baby."

I tried to think of those days eight months ago in January when Pi and I were so panicked we were fighting over raising money to pay for an abortion to cover up that I had gotten pregnant. The idea of an abortion now felt like a million years ago- and so, so incredibly wrong. I loved Lily and I was so excited to get to meet her, finally. How could I have ever thought of killing her, just to save my own pride? From what? I finally decided the real truth of my life; I was meant to be Lily's mother, whatever she was like, she was mine. She was my destiny and what I was meant to be in this world. I was Lily's mommy.

"Sweetheart, are you still there?" Mom asked.

"Yeah."

"I love you," she said. I felt tears in my eyes. "And tell your father that I expect pictures of Lily the moment she's born. And to call me, no matter what the time, when she arrives."

"Okay," I said. "I love you."

"I wish I was there."

"I wish you were, too."

"I love you, Alexis. Even though I haven't been the best mother... I know I did wrong by you in a lot of ways," Mom said. I could hear her sniffle. "I'm sorry. I'm a really fucked up person, you were better off without me playing such a huge role in your life. Don't make the mistakes I made. I'm a really selfish person who really had no business being a mother, but didn't realize it until I had let your father take full custody of you. I know it hurt you a lot that I wasn't there."

"It kind of did," I admitted. "It really did. I tried so hard to be good enough for you to love, but I couldn't be."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Just know it wasn't your fault that I haven't been there. Don't blame yourself, okay? But I still love you so much. And I know I'm going to love Lily when she gets here."

"You will," I said. "I can't wait for you to meet her in person."

"Me neither. Good luck. Push hard and give it everything you've got, okay? Make me proud."

I felt a lump of bittersweet sadness in my throat when she said that. My mother had just admitted she was shitty as a mom, but had a twisted sense of pride in Lily and me. I had waited for this my whole life; for her to admit that she wasn't a good mom. But it didn't feel as rewarding as I thought it would. Maybe my mom was just shallow. Maybe she was more concerned with what the rest of the world thought of her to admit she was grandmother. Either way, I understood; it was time to not only mother Lily, but myself as well. Nobody else was going to do it, not even Dad. I had to take care of me and figure out how to stop worrying about what other people thought. "I will. Bye, Mom."

I wiped my eyes as we hung up and handed the phone back to Dad. "I'm ready, Dad," I said. "I'm ready to have this baby."

"I know you are," Dad said softly, pulling my hair off my shoulders and neck.

"I don't think I can do this," Kate said, panicking. "I'm not the person to be your birthing partner, Alexis."

"Yes, you are," I said. I grabbed her hand, and it was shaking and clammy. "You are. You've been preparing for this for a month. There's nobody else."

"I'm not calm enough," she said. "This is nerve-wracking and I just can't-"

"Yeah, you can," I said. "Just hold my hand through this. I asked you for a reason." Despite the epidural, I was feeling hot. "You want to be a mom? You've got to see what happens and experience how it happens, okay?" The pain started to creep back with the pressure. "If you can't be strong for me, how are you going to be strong for your own pregnancy?"

"She's right," Dad said to Kate. She nodded somberly. "You can do this. You'll have a baby soon, too. This is a learning experience, alright?"

She nodded again. "Okay. Okay, I will."

By the time I was at nine centimeters, Dr. Menta called for the delivery team to be assembled.

"Are you sure you don't want me in there?" Dad asked, pulling my hair back out of my face and off my shoulders into a ponytail.

"I'm sorry, no," I whispered. "Dad, I just want Kate in here with me. That's it."

He smoothed my fly-away hairs back, and kissed me. And then kissed me again. "I can't wait to see her," he said. "You already make me proud."

"Alright, everybody out," the delivery nurse said. Dad sneaked one more kiss into my sweaty hair and kissed Kate, too, and whispered something in her ear before being shooed out. "She's almost ready to start pushing."

"Kate!" I called. She jumped up to her feet and grabbed my hand.

"I'm ready," Kate whispered. She seemed more nervous, but more on edge, than I was. At this point, I wanted to just get this baby out, whatever it took. The nurses put my legs into the stirrups and tied them down.

"Alright, Alexis, what I want you to do is to breathe in really hard, hold it for a moment, then let it go. Then, you'll take another breath, hold it down, and then push down through the bottom of your pelvis on my command," Dr. Menta coached. The sheet was taken off, and I was pretty much naked from the waist down, but all I could see was my stomach. At this point, I didn't care that my crotch was on display for so many people to see. "Alexis, one, two, three." I took the deep breath and I felt Kate's hand tremble in mine. I squeezed it hard and took another, pushing down with everything I had exactly as the doctor described. I vaguely heard a gasp of shock out of Kate's mouth, but I didn't pay attention to it. I felt something shift inside me, and I knew part of her was past my cervix. The pain was growing more and more intense; I had no more cares in the world than to get this baby out. "Okay, good! Take a few breaths. And again, one, two, three, push!" I did it again and this time, I felt something incredibly big slide, and it was more painful than before. "Take a few breaths, you can call me whatever you want, I won't care. You're doing great! You were made for this! Now one, two, three, push!"

I tried to push again, and still hurt more.  _The epidural isn't working at all now,_  I thought. I pushed again and screamed this time, (Kate shrieked when I did that) and I felt like my entire crotch was on fire. Dr. Menta sounded like she was through a tunnel, giving me commands. I was seeing stars I was in so much pain, I couldn't believe it was possible. "Almost done, she's crowning! One, two, three, push!"

I screamed and pushed as hard as possible, and then an epic moment of relief from the pressure.

"You did it!" Dr. Menta said.

"I did?" I wheezed. "Lily?"

"You did!" Kate cried, her hand squeezing mine. I gasped in relief and felt my entire body slump onto the delivery table. I realized she was crying with the baby.

"Here, look at this face! It's beautiful! Let me wipe it off!" She wiped the baby down and did a few other things before handing her to me. Despite the lingering pain, I saw the most beautiful face I had ever laid eyes on; and it was still covered in slime and blood, her skin was so pale it was almost green, her eyes were swollen, and she looked a little wrinkled. But it was really my baby. She didn't open her eyes, but she was screaming- the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. All the love I had had for her before she was born was nothing compared to this very second.

"Lily," I repeated, feeling the tears in my eyes. I didn't want to look away from this face or her little pursed lips. She had long eyelashes already, and her baby hair was a dark auburn red.

"She's a redhead! A ginger!" Kate said beside me. She had tears running down her face. "That was so intense! Thank you for letting me be there, Alexis. I'm so happy for you right now. I really am."

I picked up one her little hands and counted her fingers. A perfect five. I picked up the other hand and it had another perfect five. I wanted to see her feet, so I took the blanket off her lower body. The umbilical cord was still long and not trimmed, and yes, she was a girl. I picked up her foot and it was a perfect five toes as was the other foot. I looked at her face, and my God, she looked like me. I knew she was mine, not Pi's, now. I was in a special club for special people named Mommy. And after all the hell of being dumped, abandoned, scared to let everyone down, I realized that this was the only person in the world that I needed to worry the most about letting down. I didn't know how much a person could love another before I saw her. She was more important than anything else I had ever known before.

"Hi, Lily," I whispered. Her eyes cracked open; they were a perfect sky-blue, just like mine. "I'm your mommy. Just you and me kid." She opened her mouth and let out a giant, dry wail. She was mine. Lillian Eudora Castle was all mine, the most precious thing that had ever been given to me.

* * *

The next few hours were painful, but magic. Kate ran out to tell Dad, Grams, Tara, Nina, Jules, and Ellen the good news. She came back telling me that Erin had arrived, too, and a few other friends. Once I had birthed the placenta, my milk started to fall. They took the epidural out and a lactation specialist came into the room to teach me how to get Lily to latch on to nurse. She took a few tries, but got it. Once I got that down, Dad and Grams got to come in to see her, then everybody else. I was so proud of my beautiful baby. Everybody wanted to hold her and get a picture with her.

A woman in scrubs came in to give her her first bath, where she surprised us with passing a merconium stool in the tub. Everybody laughed at that. They diapered her, put a little pink baby cap on her head, and laid her under a warming lamp in a crib, where she fell asleep in the warmth. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror over the sink, and I looked like hell. I tried to comb my hair back into a ponytail and smooth the fly-aways, but there were giant circles under my eyes and I looked so washed out, I was almost green.

Everyone wanted to congratulate me on giving birth. "She's so beautiful. She looks just like you did," Dad said, snapping pictures on his phone of her. "Look at that Castle profile. I told ya, Mother! She's one of us, not Meredith!"

"I can't believe she's here," I said, dazed. "She's better than anything I could have ever imagined."

"They always are," Grams said. "I can't believe I'm seeing my granddaughter's daughter! This is an amazing moment. I've got something to brag about in my acting school, now! You'll bring her by for me to introduce to my students, right?"

"Sure," I muttered, not even sure how I was going to do that.

"Hey look! Invisible microphone!" Dad said, pulling up a picture on his phone where it looked like Lily was singing into one, her little mouth opened. He grinned. "Adorable, huh? That's going up on Twitter."

"She looks like an angel," I said.

"She  _is_  an angel," Dad said. "I told you so." He reached for me and wrapped an arm around me. "I'm so proud of you. So proud. I can't even tell you how much." I gazed down at my baby, sleeping under the heatlamp.

 _Oh my God… she's so perfect,_  I thought, watching her. I was so in love, I felt tears in my eyes. I didn't know what love at first sight was like, but I had it. I had it bad. "I am so in love," I muttered, watching her. I couldn't tear my eyes off her.

"I have never seen you look more beautiful, ever," Dad said quietly to me. It shocked me out of my obsessive staring at her.

"What? Dad, I'm a mess, I look terrible!" I cried, looking up.

"No, you look exhausted, like someone who's done something very hard, but something really great came out of it. And you have." He stroked the back of my head and kissed my hair. "It's the best thing you've ever done. You've done something  _so_  great. So wonderful. Our family is better because of what you did today. I love you so much. And I love Lily, too. I'm so glad you made this choice."

"There was no other one for me," I whispered, picking up Lily's hand, stroking her palm with my thumb. She was so beautiful, even if she looked like a shriveled little old man.

Grams and Kate were sitting together, and I saw Grams dabbing at her eyes, Kate was holding her hand, looking like she was going to cry- but in a good way.

We passed Lily around one more time and I saw she'd open her eyes for her Nana, but not Dad. Kate got her pinkie finger into her mouth, and she started sucking on it like she was nursing. I giggled at the sight of that.

When they came to take Lily and me to the recovery room, I was helped into a wheelchair. "I'm so happy you let me be there for you," Kate said into my ear. "I'm proud of you and Lily. I really am. I love you both so much. I'm so honored to be her Nana."

"Kate? I love you too," I said, slipping an arm around her shoulder to hug her.

She squeezed me for a long time and helped me into the chair. "Richard? Can we talk? In private?"

"Sure," Dad sad.

They went into the bathroom to talk and I picked up Lily again and sat down in the wheelchair.

"...How soon can we get married?" she was asking him.

"What?" Dad asked.

"Lily needs an aunt or an uncle. As soon as possible, and I don't want to wait," Kate said.

"We can talk about it tonight. I've got to help Alexis get set up in the recovery room."

"Okay. Once you're home, okay?"

"Alright," Dad said. He came out of the bathroom. "Alexis, are you alright being by yourself with the baby in the hospital?"

"I'm fine," I said.

"Alright, we're going home," Kate said. "We'll be back in the morning. Good night!"

"Good night! Bye, Kate, Grams!" I said good-bye to all my friends and their parents too, and the transport techs took Lily and me to the recovery room. I got a hospital bed and Lily had a little glass crib of her own that looked more like a clear, square bucket with padding on the bottom. Dad followed me to my recovery room.

"Do you want me to spend the night?" Dad asked. "I can."

"No," I said. "Don't you and Kate have things to discuss?"

"You're number one right now," he said.

"That's alright," I said. "I think we can handle it. It's Lily and me against the world."

"And I'm right behind you, sweetheart."

I felt tears in my eyes.

"Everything changed just now," he said. "I am in love with this little girl. Maybe it because she looks just like you." He took me into his arms and held me for a long time while I cried; joy, compassion, hormones, exhilaration… I didn't know a single person could feel this so much. "I'll go ahead and head home. Call me when you wake up. Otherwise, I'm coming back at…" he checked his watch, "oh, hey, dinnertime."

"Okay," I said. "I love you."

"I love you more. And Lily." He picked up Lily's hand and kissed her little hand and then her head. "I'll see you in a little while, Lily Bean." He stroked her head again and then her chest and tummy. "Bye, sweetpea."

"Bye, Dad," I said.

When he left, I watched her for a few more minutes. Dad used to watch me sleep when I was growing up. I used to tease him that it was creepy, but I understood it now. I wondered what were her dreams like, what did she see, how was she feeling? She was a mystery to me, a beautiful little mystery, but she was a part of me. She  _was_  me, my body had created her. I wrapped her up in her pink blanket and ran my hand over her perfectly round, but soft, stomach. It was so warm and perfect. My baby was perfect. I was so lucky.

When Dad finally left, Lily woke up in the crib. I picked her up and took her blanket off, and settled into the bed. She whimpered, and I tugged my hospital gown down just enough to slip her between my breasts, against the hollow that was my sternum. I wanted to remember her forever, just the two of us, skin-to-skin, as our hearts began to sync.

I had been touched when Dad told me about this moment when I was a baby. But was magic. Better than anything I had ever felt in my entire life, including sex with Pi. She began to calm down and breathe, and she fell asleep on my chest. It felt so good, despite the lingering birth pain, and she was so warm and special and just perfect. Downright perfect. The tears began to leak out of my eyes, I was so happy to be holding her.

"Lily Bean, I'm sorry you don't have a daddy," I whispered to her as our hearts started beating as one. "I didn't plan too well, but I'm going to do the best I can to be your mommy. Like your grandpa did for me. There is nothing more important in this world than you, got it? You can always come to me for help, no matter what. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, I will love you forever and ever. And ever and ever after that. There is nothing you can ever do that will make me stop loving you." She hiccuped and her arms and legs flailed. It was so cute, fresh tears sprang to my eyes. I wished I could just hold her like this forever, but I didn't trust myself not to roll over onto her while I slept. I needed to get a nap in anyways. I was exhausted, and I felt myself nodding off. I wanted to make sure she was never in danger, so I had to gather up the last of my strength to put her in the crib again. I finally got up, carefully, and without waking her, and carried her back over to the little crib to lay her down, wrapping her back up in the pink blanket she didn't get cold from the A/C. I wanted to go back to bed, but first, I had to write an email.

I opened up my email app on my phone and inserted a picture of Lily and addressed it to Pi.

_Lily was born earlier this morning at 4:57 AM. I'm pretty exhausted right now, but I thought you might like to see her. She's pretty much perfect and amazing and beautiful and you are really missing out. I won't bother you again, but please reconsider. I wish you'd change your mind and ask to be in her life._

_Alexis_

As I turned out the lights, I cried until sleep claimed me from the tiredness; Lily was not inside me, but so far away right next to me in the crib. She'd never be close enough to me ever again.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Motherhood is not easy on Alexis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. I'm just having fun, I make no moneys.
> 
> Had a long daytime  
> no disclaimer Haiku now  
> Maybe later, babes.
> 
> These next two chapters are kind of boring, but necessary. But chapter 15 should be more exciting.

Lily slept a lot the first two days. I wish I had spent more time sleeping those first few hours in the hospital. I just wanted to see her, to watch her, to kiss her fingers, toes, belly, her shoulders, her little head and ears- all over. She was six pounds and eight ounces of joy for me. Even her butt was the cutest thing I had ever seen. She'd open her eyes for me; I thought I'd drown in those beautiful crystal, sky-blue eyes. Pi never wrote me back. I hardly noticed because once I got her home to the loft in Tribeca, she was up at least hourly, needing attention, crying over something.

Someone should have warned me how demanding babies were, but I don't think there was any way to really communicate it before. If anybody had given me a newborn before I got pregnant and told me I was 100% responsible without even a partner's help, I'd have been much, much more careful with Pi than ever when we had been having sex, not just relying on one form of birth control. The first three days we were home, I didn't have time to shower or even change clothes, she cried so often. I must have looked like a homeless person by the end of the third day of no sleep and the same shorts and long-sleeve t-shirt, coming downstairs with Lily in my arms and she was screaming.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," I said, hysteria edging my voice. "I haven't slept or showered in three days, let alone eaten anything! Everything I try makes her cry harder!"

"Babies do that to you," Kate reminded me. I felt so stupid for not even realizing how selfish I was when I was childless before. Now, I didn't know when I'd get to read a book or go on a run or fence or play my violin or relax ever again. Lily just needed me way too much.

"I thought you guys were going to help," I whined, sniffling.

"Honey, I don't know if you're aware of this, but, we need our sleep," Dad said.

My jaw dropped. "What?"

"We're planning a wedding in December," Kate added. "It's stressful enough on me."

"Stressful?" I repeated. She had no idea what stress was!

"Your baby, your job to lose sleep. If you never learn how to calm her down and fix it when she cries, how else are you going to parent her?" Dad asked. "You're number one in her life. We're not. We're more like number two."

"Yay, we're number two!" Kate joked. I didn't find it funny. She and Dad laughed at their own joke.

"I'm rubbing off on you, Beckett," Dad laughed, high-fiving her. The nerve.

"I think you are," she agreed.

"Look, I know this sucks, it's a trial by fire, but this is what all new parents go through. I went through it with you."

"Payback?" I snapped.

He grinned. "Exactly."

"Dad! No, don't tell me that!" I wanted to make sure Pi felt the exhaustion I was feeling right now, but I had told him I'd never bother him again. Why had I let him sign off on parental rights? Money didn't seem like enough for the exchange of my exhaustion, but it would be a good start.

"We'll watch her while you take a shower, but this kind of exhaustion? Get used to it. You're not going to get a full night's sleep for the next three years."

Everytime I thought of Pi, I got furious, and it was making me sloppy. At one point in my fury, I left Lily naked on the changing table to scream after she shat her diaper and spat up on her onesie. I went over to get a new onesie and a fresh diaper.

"Hey, Alexis what do you want for- Jesus Christ, what are you doing!" he shouted.

"God, what?" I shouted back, emerging from the closet with a fresh diaper and a onesie. "I'm changing my baby's clothes and diaper!"

"You left her on the changing table unattended! She could roll off and get hurt!" He picked her up.

"She's a newborn!" I shouted back. "She's not rolling around yet! And I'm fucking tired!"

"Sweetheart, I know you're tired," Dad said softly. "But you've got to take the proper precautions all the time, because eventually, she will roll over and get hurt. You have to be in the habit."

"I haven't showered or slept in almost a week and I'm starving and… I'm so mad at Pi!" I burst into tears. "I know I said I hated him and I wanted to castrate him, but right now, I just want to hurt him so much more! I'm all alone with his baby and exhausted and my episiotomy has made me one giant mess and… and I want revenge!" I dissolved in a puddle of tears at his feet. "That's so petty, but I do!"

"We all do, trust me," he said softly. "Why don't you go take a shower and I'll make something for you to eat while watching Lily?"

I snorted and wiped my nose on my sleeve. "Why did I think I could handle raising a baby?" I blubbered.

"These next few weeks are going to be learning curve, that's all," Dad said, holding out a hand to help me up. I took his hand and struggled to get to my feet. "And newborns need a lot of attention." He kissed me on the temple. "Now go take a shower, you stink."

* * *

I sobbed and cried into the shower spray. I felt sick that I had put Lily in danger because I was so exhausted and so angry. I was turning out to be a terrible mom so far. The water splashing off me was black against the bathtub walls. I stayed in the shower longer than I needed, until the water went cold. Taking care of myself had become second to Lily's needs; and I had no idea how much she needed before she got here. I wished I hadn't made Pi sign that parental termination notice and asked him for something, like money, for some kind of recompense for this. Child support wasn't always enforced. Enforcing it overseas made it even more difficult. My hair, that had been so healthy and full while pregnant, was coming out in the wide-tooth comb I used to comb it out. It wasn't that much, like clumps, but it was about fifteen hairs caught in the comb. Just for the record, I weighed myself to find I was only nine pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I thought fondly of how much weight Jessica Simpson gained in her pregnancies, and I felt much better about myself, even if that was shallow and mean. I had lost seventeen pounds without even trying. I couldn't wear my Forever 21 jeans, yet, but I was certain that if I tried, I'd lose the weight. Hell, Lily didn't let me eat and I was breast-feeding her. I put on my maternity jeans and a tank top and went downstairs.

Dad had Lily in a vibrating baby seat, and she was asleep. This left his hands free to make a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for me- I was surprised he had her sleeping already.

"Where did you get that baby seat?" I asked astounded, sitting down at the counter.

"It was yours, actually," he said. "I had to assemble it while Lily was in her crib. Why didn't you get this assembled and use it all this time?"

"I didn't know. I thought it would make her spit up or something. I was saving it for when she's older."

He shrugged. "I thought they taught this in the parenting classes at the Y," he said. "Babies like low vibrations. Especially newborns. It calms them. That's why parents drive them around at night in cars to put them to sleep."

"I can't hardly drive," I muttered as Dad put the soup and sandwich down in front of me. "I don't even have a car. Or a need to have a car. I have to have one to get her sleep? Babies are expensive!"

"Honey, this isn't going to be a picnic. You don't need a car when you live in Manhattan. And raising kids is an incredibly stressful change of life. But I believe that you can do it. It's worth it. You were."

"Dad, I don't know how I'll ever survive this," I admitted, picking up my napkin to wipe my eyes. I was crying again. "I can't do anything right, she was going to roll off the changing table and I'm so tired and missing things and-"

"You will be just fine," Dad said. "Maybe you're going through a little post-pardum depression."

"I'm not depressed!" I cried.

"You're alone, you're raising a baby, and you've just had a huge change in your body. It's okay. It's hormones and lack of sleep, it's not that you're weak. Depression is just a sign of trying to be strong for too long. Now, you've showered and gotten dressed in fresh clothes, and once you finish your lunch, can we finally go down to the precinct to show this baby off?"

"I haven't ventured outside the house in three days," I admitted, taking in a spoonful of tomato soup into my mouth. It tasted like ambrosia.

"It'll feel good to get away."

"I'm going to go put a little make-up on."

"I'll call Beckett and let her know."

I finished my soup and grilled cheese and I felt so much better with some food on my stomach. Dad made two more grilled cheese sandwiches for me, which I wolfed down. The vibrating chair stopped, and I went rigid. I reached over and flipped the switch to turn it back on before she woke up. I breathed a sigh of relief and went back upstairs to dry my hair and put on some make-up. I put on my face, and felt a little more human.

Downstairs, Dad was assembling the diaper bag to take Lily out.

"So what do we need to take her out?" I asked.

"Three fresh diapers, a packet of wipes, some diaper ointment, a rattle or a toy, a few towels, a change of baby clothes, hand sanitizer, changing mat, a blanket, her pacifier, and some sunscreen," Dad said. "That's just the basics. It's going to evolve when she gets bigger, she'll need different things. Oh you know what? Get some nail clippers for when she falls asleep. Those baby nails are sharp and you'll get a chance to clip them if she falls asleep while we're out."

"Thanks, Dad," I said, relieved.

I very carefully got her out of the vibrating chair, but she still woke up. I groaned as she whimpered, and I checked her diaper to see if it was full, and it was. A diaper change made her happy again. I changed her before putting her into the car seat and strapped her in, but she started crying. AGAIN.

"What am I doing wrong, now!" I shouted at at her. "Give me a break,  _please_ , Lily!"

"Alexis, calm down," Dad said, picking up the carseat. "You've got the harness straps too tight." He started to adjust them and she quieted down.

"How do I know if they're too tight?" I whined.

"She's telling you when she cries," Dad answered. What was he, the baby whisperer? "They shouldn't be cutting into her, but they shouldn't be loose. She shouldn't be able to move around much. If she can get her arms under the straps, she'll be like Houdini Baby and will be getting out while she's in the car. The last thing we need it her rolling around the backseat."

"Thank God I don't drive," I muttered. I was pretty much convinced I was the worst mom ever, and Lily was only 4 days old. She calmed down a lot when we got in the car and started driving. "Dad, do you think I'm doing things wrong?"

"Motherhood is like that. You can do everything right and still think you're messing up."

"Did you ever feel that way with me? Even though you're a dad?"

He shrugged. "At first, yeah. Then, I realized the way to make it work was to have fun with you more than anything. And I think that's what made raising you so great. It was fun. I enjoyed every minute of it, even when you were puking on me from a bad stomach virus."

I smirked unintentionally.

"I found the humor in the situation. Trust me, Alexis these days go in the blink of an eye, and you'll find yourself regretting that you didn't hold onto them longer and enjoy them while they happened. She'll be moving out on her own and going to college tomorrow."

"Hopefully, she won't be knocked up by Thursday."

"It seems like just a week ago you complained until you got to wear your tutu and tiara, but once I let you wear them, you were as good as gold," Dad said.

Would Lily like wearing tutus and tiaras like I had when I was a kid? I smiled at the thought.

"See? You were adorable, and she's going to be just like you."

We arrived at the police station and took the elevator up. Kate met us at the elevator bank, an excited expression on her face as we walked in. She had been talking to Ann Hastings, who jumped up with her and came with her to the elevators.

"Hi! Where's my baby?" she asked.

"I'm right here," I joked. "Ha ha, I'm funny."

"You're sleep deprived. I'm glad to see you're getting your sense of humor back," she teased, taking Lily out of her carrier very carefully. Lily whimpered a bit and several of the detectives and cops came out to see her. "There's my girl," Kate cooed. She stuck her pinkie finger into Lily's toothless mouth and Lily stopped her whimpering and started sucking on it. "See? Works every time."

"That doesn't work for me!" I cried. Everyone laughed.

"How are you doing so far, Alexis?" Ann asked.

I groaned.

"I know, it's tough!"

"I don't know when I'll get to sleep again!"

"You will," Gates said. "In a year." She came over and hugged me. "All three of mine. It's a good idea to get it done and over with before you really get into your career."

"I didn't know you had kids!" I cried.

"I do!" she said. "All in college, now. May I hold her?" she asked Kate. Kate handed Lily over.

"Even you do better with babies than me!" I whined. "Everybody's better with babies than me!"

"No, don't think like that," Captain Gates said. "You just gotta get used to being a mom. It just takes a little while."


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate, Alexis, and Lily bond over wedding dress shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox.
> 
> I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to all of your reviews, I do love them, and I will do it. I just wanted to get this posted because my back is killing me tonight. I highly recommend Brene Brown's self-help books, they are so worth reading!

Gates even gave me advice to take time to go out at least once or twice a week and see my friends to keep ahead of post-pardum. I was hungry for mommy advice. It was weird; I was the only one of my friends with a baby, I was relying on their moms for advice.

The next day, I went to Dr. Menta for my one-week check-up. She told me I was showing signs of post-pardum and to watch out for violent, intruding thoughts. She referred me to an LCWS named Chandra. Dad helped me get to see her by watching Lily. This was a great excuse for me to get out of the house and recharge. When I went to her office, she came by and introduced herself as Chandra, and she didn't look much older than me. In her office, we went through a list of post-pardum symptoms. I recognized that I had more than I thought.

"If perfectly normal to have intrusive thoughts of harming your baby after birth, especially if you're raising her alone with no father or partner. This is natural, but not a good thing. We've got to keep track of those feelings before they get out of hang. You've had a major life event and it's changed everything very forcefully. I think it's a great idea for you to come here and do some emotional work."

We talked for a little while longer, I told her how proud I was of Lily, but how hard it was to raise her and how many people were willing to attack me for having her alone. I admitted I started to feel like they were right, because I had no idea what I was doing and everybody seemed to know more than me about raising a baby. "I mean, what was I supposed to do? I didn't abort her, how am I going to please these stupid people attacking me?" I whined.

"That's the thing, you can't. You can't please everybody, Alexis. They're trying to shame you, but you've got to decide to trust your own decisions." Chandra gave me a few book suggestions, including a book by a LCSW named Brene Brown on 'shame.' "See, the thing is with shame is that is makes us want to be more perfect. But being more perfect doesn't stop shame from happening. The thought process is, 'if I'm more perfect, I won't feel this way.' It doesn't work like that."

"Then how does it work?" I muttered.

"You need to build some self-worth that's not designed around pleasing other people," she said. "I really recommend that book for you."

I nodded. "Okay, I'll try it."

"Brene Brown really knows what she's talking about."

* * *

"Hey, I'm home!" I shouted. "Dad?"

"Hi, sweetheart, how was therapy?" he asked, coming to the foyer with Lily in his arms.

"Amazing," I admitted. "I'm glad I'm doing this. It'll help me be a better mother to Lily." I reached for Lily.

"Lily just woke up, I think she's hungry."

"Okay. Come on, Lil, we're going to eat!"

I settled Lily and myself down on the couch and turned on some music on the music channel, positioned the couch cushions, and got Lily nursing. Once she was set up, I started reading the Brene Brown book. I really needed to learn how to pump my own breast milk soon, if I was going to be leaving her with Dad.

That night, after dinner, I asked Kate if she could come upstairs with me and Lily to her nursery. "I need some help with the breast pump," I admitted, putting Lily in the vibrating baby chair on the floor.

"Okay," she said, getting the box out from under the changing table. We were both apprehensive about touching it. "Let's read the directions, first before we do anything stupid." We opened the box for me and we went through all the parts and found the owner's manual. She seemed a little more into it than me as we spread the parts out all over the floor. "I can't wait for this to be me," she said. "Imagine, I'll be getting pregnancy advice from my stepdaughter!"

"You're really serious about having a baby, aren't you?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I know it's a lot of work, but I think your father and I can do this. He's got all the experience with babies, and me? I've got the enthusiasm."

"Oh!" I cried. "You can use my maternity clothes and all the things Lily outgrows, like her strollers, her carriers, her bumbo…" I realized I was acting like she wouldn't want her own things for her baby. "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "You'll probably want new stuff."

"Actually, I think it would be wasteful to have all this baby stuff and throw it away only to buy more of it," Kate admitted. "I'd be happy to have your baby things once Lily's outgrown them. Although your maternity style was so different from mine. I don't know that I'll be able to go to work in that blue chiffon top you wore to your baby shower."

"You're going to work during your pregnancy?" I repeated, surprised.

She shrugged. "I don't want to be a spoiled, stay-at-home, shopping-all-day doing-nothing types of wives."

"But your job is so dangerous!"

"They can't take me off the job, legally, but Gates will probably make me do more desk work than actual detective work in the field. I've thought about this. I really have. You know that I didn't even want a baby until about this time last year. I've put my career up ahead of everything else in my life, and I've only got a few more years to have children before menopause sets in."

"How old are you again?"

"Thirty-four. Almost thirty-five. Next month! Can you believe it?"

"That's not so old!"

"Most women can't really carry babies in their mid-to-late forties," Kate said wistfully. "It never struck me until we got to take home Cosmo and watch him while solving that lottery scam case."

"I can't believe my dad would have named me Cosmo if I had been a boy," I muttered.

"Okay, the directions say to put the cones over your nipples and then press the button," she said. "Oh wait, let me wash these first."

She grabbed the cones and the bottles and ran downstairs with them. I read over the directions, which had illustrations worthy of teenage boy fantasies. I looked down in my maternity bra. I was not liking how huge my boobs would get before the let-down started. Kate came back a moment later with the bottle washed out and dried and we hooked them up to the machine and I got my breasts out from the maternity bra.

"Ow!" I cried. It pinched when it started. "That pinches!"

"Oh, this is awkward to watch!"

"Awkward for you? If you haven't guessed yet, once you go into labor, your body is no longer your own!" I cried laughing. "Oh, this hurts! Ow! Look! What's it doing?" It was sucking so hard, my nipples were getting stretched out into the tube. We started laughing and couldn't stop.

* * *

My first few weeks with Lily were a complete adjustment. The only good thing I did with this time for myself, asides from therapy was starting a blog, called Alexis, Unexpected. Everyday Lily changed and shaped me, and I got a little tougher, able to run on less and less sleep and I became a pro and diaper changing and giving her baths. Captain Gates was right: routine and over planning was my best friend. Going to see Chandra helped immensely, too. I got most of my self-help reading done while Lily nursed. I loved Brene Brown's book, and when I got a spare moment, I looked up her website and wrote her a letter about how much her work on shame resiliency helped me in my situation.

Somehow, Lily and I managed to squeeze in an appointment for Kate to go wedding dress shopping. We were really excited, and Kate picked out the bridesmaid dresses. It was a dusty, soft pink silk with an empire waist and cap sleeves.

"Why don't you try it on, Alexis?" Kate asked.

"Let me just nurse Lily first," I said, bouncing Lily slightly. She was getting hungry.

"You can do that in the restroom," the sales attendant said.

"Excuse me?" Kate said.

"I don't think it's good for our store to have a breast-feeding girl in the dressing room," she said. Was she telling me what I think she was telling me? Kate and I both stared at her in silence.

"We won't be needing the dresses," Kate said. "Come on." She took my arm and marched me and Lily out. "What was that? Seriously, I almost went Lactivist on that bitch!"

"I wish you had," I said.

"Come on, we'll go to Starbucks and you can nurse her there. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah," I admitted. "I think I am."

In Starbucks, I found a table in a back corner and started nursing Lily very discreetly with a blanket over her head and my breast. Kate went ahead and ordered for us. She got back to the table, texting, but put away her phone in her purse.

"I've got to get the wedding dresses ordered and picked out," she sighed, sitting down across from me. "What a waste of an afternoon off."

"Yup," I agreed. "I think Lily's ready for her afternoon nap, anyway."

"It's not like you were going to try that dress on without a bra or something," she said. "I'd be more worried about milk stains in the dress than a baby nursing in public."

"It'll work out," I said.

Our order was called, and Kate went to get it. She came back and we started on our lattes. We started talking about the timeline she had to get everything done in and her phone went off. Kate picked up her phone and paused, reading her text.

"I think your father just got us into Allison Conway bridal!" she cried. Allison Conway was the new Vera Wang. "Come on, we've got to go!"

"What?" I cried. Lily was hardly finished nursing, I needed to burp her before we left. I did a quick job of it, and we ran to the Crown Vic and I got her settled into the carseat as fast as possible. We got the Fashion District in record time and Lily wasn't happy. I guess I hadn't burped her very well. I tried to burp her some more and calm her down when we rang the buzzer.

"Allison Conway Bridal, may I help you?" the voice came through.

"Katherine Beckett, with guests," Kate said.

"Come in, we're expecting you."

"Yeah!" I mouthed to Kate. We high-fived and went in.

We were greeted by sale consultants, who immediately offered us sparkling grapejuice. "We heard via Twitter that you had a disagreeable time while shopping for your dress at a retailer's," the bald and lanky British man dressed in black (who was probably gay) said. "We apologize for your inconvenience. You shouldn't buy off the rack."

"Is the baby going to be a problem?" I asked.

"Not at all. This way, we've got a lot to do and little time to do it in."

We browsed the racks while Lily calmed down and found a few styles we liked. They then brought out the three dresses picked out while I sat down with Lily on a white couch, and a black woman with a mostly-shaved head guided Kate into a dressing room. A few minutes later, Kate came out wearing a strapless trumpet-shaped white dress.

"Oh, Kate," I breathed. "It looks fantastic on you!"

"You think?" she asked, climbing the steps to the island in front of a three-way mirror to see herself in it. It didn't zip up all the way under her arm, but the overall effect of it was amazing.

"I love it," I said. "Lily likes it too!"

"How old is your baby?" the black lady asked.

"A little over weeks," I admitted.

"She's so cute. Your spitting image!"

"Yeah, she is," I admitted. "Thanks."

"…I like this one, except for the wrap-effect," Kate said.

"You really are so small at the waist that you don't need that," a blonde woman sales consultant said. "Do you have your attendant's dresses picked out?"

"Oh, actually, I only have two attendants- one is sitting right there." Kate indicated me.

"Who else did you ask?" I asked.

"Lainey and Ann. And that's it."

"But Dad-"

"Your father's only going to have Espo and Ryan as his groomsmen. The wedding party is going to be relatively small, remember?"

"We can pick something out," the black woman said. "What are your colors?"

"I was going to go with brown and dark pink," Kate said. "It's a winter wedding. And I wanted my gown to be an off-white pink shade, if that makes sense?"

"We can create one like that," the bald man said.

"Can Alexis just pick something out?" Kate asked. "I'm sure Lainey and Ann will like it."

"If we hurry, we can do it," the black lady said. "Come on. You can let Stella hold the baby." She indicated the blonde, and I hesitated.

"I love babies it's fine," she said. I handed my daughter over and we went through the sparse racks of bridesmaid dresses. I found one that was similar to the one we found in the retail store; it had a high waist, but was one-shouldered. By the time we found it, Kate had tried on the second dress, which wasn't more of an A-line dress and I didn't like it so much.

"What about this one?" I asked, holding up the dress we picked out. Stella was rocking Lily gently, and was doing a good job with her.

"I love it," Kate said. "If we have the right color fabric. You can pick something close to the shade I asked for, Alexis, just let me approve it. Go try it on!"

The black lady, Ranesha, took me to the fitting room and I changed clothes and took off the shoulder of one of my brastraps.

"That's perfect," Kate said as I came out. She was wearing a halter-neck dress this time with a trumpet shape. "That's what I'm going to have you, Ann, and Lainey in."

"I like this dress," I said. "Better than the first and second one."

"I don't like the halter neck," Kate said.

"We can have it made in strapless," the bald man said.

"You can?" Kate asked. "Like the neckline of the second dress?"

"Yes, we can do that."

"Then this is it," Kate said. "We've got our dresses! Go pick out the fabric and I'll meet you out here."

"Okay!"

She ran back to her fitting room to change back into her clothes and finalize the order. I picked out three swatches of fabric that were close to the shade Kate had described, and she came out a moment later. She chose the darkest one and then chose the one she wanted for hers- a very light, soft pink. "I'm definitely not wearing white to my own wedding," she said, rolling her eyes.

"It's perfectly acceptable," Stella said. She was holding Lily still, who was sleeping on her shoulder while Stella patted her on the butt.

"I'm not fooling anybody," Kate said, writing it off. "I think this is going to be perfect!"

"We just need to size your daughter, and we can start," the bald man said. They indicated for me to stand up and they took my measurements. He called me her daughter.

"Are you done losing your baby weight?" Stella asked.

I shook my head as they got my waist-to-foot measurement. "No. I've still got another five pounds to go."

"Don't worry, we'll do a final fitting a month before the wedding- oh wait, you're getting married on December 28th? That's really soon!"

"Oh, I know," Kate agreed. "I've got less than three months to finish planning this wedding!"

"Then we'll put a rush on this," the bald man said. "And we can commission a dress for the baby made of the attendant's dress material." I was ushered back to my fitting room to change back into my own clothes and Stella handed Lily back to me as we left. The next bride had just arrived with her mother and her five bridesmaids. We thanked them profusely as we left.

"That was amazing," Kate said as we left with her holding the baby bag. "I'm so happy. I've got to call Lainey and Ann!"

"They called me your daughter," I noted as we ran across the street to the parking lot.

"Of course they did." She opened the back door and took Lily from me to put her in the carseat. "Come on!"

"Doesn't that bother you?" I asked, thinking of my own mother, who didn't want people thinking she was old enough to be a grandmother.

"No," she said. "We need to get to the baker's to test the cake samples."

"But, Kate," I said, getting into the car. "That means they think you're old!"

She turned over the engine. "So what? People thought I was a lesbian for the longest time because I'm a cop. Doesn't make a difference. People think a lot of things, and honestly? It's none of your business what they think."

* * *

 

We walked into the apartment to find it empty. Dad had a poker night and had taken a private plane to Maine to play at Stephen King’s house. He probably was going to smoke cigars and drink beer with them until around eleven, and not get home until three or four in the morning. Lily was getting hungry again, so I set up on the living room couch to nurse her. Kate started shuffling pots and pans around in the kitchen to cook for us.

It’s none of you business what other people think of you.

Pi’s handling of me hadn’t been optimal. It was a subject I had brought up with Chandra, who had insisted that sex was important to communicate about when I told her about how I suspected Pi wasn’t a great lover after all. I hadn’t confided in her about him not stopping when we were having sex, yet. It was only that one time that I could remember: I had diligently bought and used KY every time with him after that, and that made it more comfortable. But I thought some more about it.

Kate came into the room once she had some rice on the stove and a chicken in the oven to broil with vegetables she had sliced this morning before work. By now, Lily was fast asleep, and I put her in her living room cradle as Kate settled into her favorite overstuffed arm chair to read something while we waited on the food to cook. I played with the universal TV remote for a moment.

“Kate, you were in sexual assault and vice for a while, weren’t you?”

“When I first became a detective, Vice, yes. I think it was a good way to break myself into detective work, I didn’t stick around for long. But never sex crimes, never.”

I fidgeted for a moment. “What would you consider a legal rape?”  
She looked up from what she was reading with an almost accusatory look on her face. “Why do you ask?  
“I just want to know.”

“Any time a person says no to sex, but is force to perform an act, that’s the legal definition of rape. Toni Morrison said it best when she described what rape was and was not.”

“Do you have that quote?”

“I think it’s somewhere on my phone,” she said, shrugging. She got out her iPad. “Here. ‘Rape is a criminal act no matter what the circumstances. A woman riding the subway nude may be guilty of indecency but she may not be raped. If she invites or even sells sex at 10:00 and refuses it at 10:15, the partner who disregards her refusal and forces sex is guilty of rape. If she is drunk, asleep, mentally defective, paralyzed or dead, she must not be raped. Why? Because sexual congress must be by consent.’ You know Alexis, you keep asking me about it, like you’re trying to decide about something. I don’t want to accuse anybody of anything, but you can trust me. Just tell me.”

I shook my head, but I opened my mouth, too. “I remember my first time with Pi was really painful. I tried to stick it out, no pun intended, and I asked him to stop. He was already… y’know… inside me... He shushed me and told me was almost finished anyway, and I couldn’t move because he was on top of me. He told me it would be better next time. As it kind of was.”

Kate’s face went blank, but I could see in her eyes that the wheels were turning. “You were stoned and he insisted on finishing, even though you asked him to stop?”

I nodded. “We both were.”

“I will kill him. Seriously kill that son of a bitch.”

“He was my boyfriend for seven months! I lost count of the times we had sex while we were living together-- it couldn’t have been a rape, could it?”

“Rape is oftentimes so ingrained in our culture, it’s terrifying how commonplace it feels,” she admitted. “I think for women, so often, we’re afraid to communicate in bed. We’re afraid of being seen as demanding or bossy or emasculating that we become unattractive in our minds and we’re told pain is normal and he can’t help but hurt us. And it’s kind of just… accepted. But you can’t read each other’s minds. Are you sure you told him to stop?”

“Maybe that was the problem,” I muttered. “I was so stoned I couldn’t really communicate.”

“But you’re certain you asked him to stop?” she repeated, wanting to get me to say it.

“I did,” I admitted. “But… who would believe me anyway? I didn’t behave like a rape victim, and he wasn’t acting like a rapist-”

“I know the idea of rape looks like a violent, angry man who overpowers a screaming woman who wasn’t doing anything sexual, but he decides to hurt her suddenly and viciously. But it’s not that black-and-white in real life. It’s very much a grey matter, and a lot of rapists look like normal, kind, gentle people. That’s why the subject of what the victim was wearing, if she was behaving like a slut, if she was asking for it by drinking, becomes so much more important than if she actually asked him to stop. And men who are raped? Society says that doesn’t happen, it’s not possible, but it is. Do you feel like you couldn’t consent?”

I shrugged. “I don’t want Lily to know,” I whispered. “I don’t want people looking at me saying it’s just me trying to get back at Pi because I was dumb and got knocked up, like an attention whore-”

“But you’re not!”

“Nevermind that I said anything,” I said, a lump rising my throat. “I don’t want people looking at Lily like she’s got a rapist’s blood running through her veins.”

“Irony that you used that term.”

“I don’t want to ruin his life like that. Yes, he abandoned his child, but I don’t think he’d do well in prison. And the evidence is long gone, if there was any, it would be my word against his. I don’t think it even register with him that he ignored me, he’s probably forgotten about it already. And I slept with him for another six and a half months, that doesn’t seem like a rape victim-”

“That’s actually kind of common when it’s someone you’ve got a crush on or have been dating. Rapists look like harmless, nice guys… Alexis, I don’t think you know how immoral some of Pi’s ideals really were. You can sleep with a man for months and still not know the real him.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I have experience with it,” she said, shrugging. “Do you think you were raped?”

I bit my lip and felt hot and uncomfortable. Why had I brought this up? I couldn’t look her in the eye anymore. “I don’t know, Kate. I really don’t. I’m sorry I brought it up. Just forget I said anything,” I picked up Lily and took her upstairs to her nursery just to get out of Kate’s gaze.

Kate knocked on the door as I laid in my own bed, feeling disgusted with myself to even bringing it up.

“Alexis?”

"Hmm?"

The door opened. I heard Kate walk into the room and spoon up behind me on the bed. I was afraid for her to see me crying. "You didn't do anything wrong," she whispered in my ear squeezing me. "We all get blinded by love, sometimes. This is one of those moments I have to strong arm my way in and be your mom."

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis finally comes to terms with being a single mom as she watched her father and Kate get married. She also gets a little extra surprise at the end of the wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer- I still don't own Castle, Andrew Marlowe does, and I don't want him to sue me for playing in his sandbox. The last line is from Ian Flemming's Casino Royale, which I did not write, either. I hope you enjoyed this! The sequel, Little Lion Man has to be written instead of continuing this storyline, it just didn't fit.

 

The months went by and things changed; Lily, when set on her stomach, started lifting her head. Every moment was precious. It got to the point where I was sleep-deprieved, but could change a diaper in less than a minute. And Dad was right: I didn't want to miss a moment. When Halloween came, Dad got her a burrito costume and filled up his Twitter and Instagram feeds with even more pictures of her.  _She's a little bean. And burritos are beans. She fills up a lot of diapers, too._

He also hilariously critiqued people who were criticizing us for my choice to have Lily by editing their letters like any good editor at a Publishing House would do. He was even called upon by some famous feminist and parenting sites to interview and give his take on my pregnancy and Lily coming into our family. He was interviewed on several radio and television magazine shows like Pier Morgan.  _CBS Sunday Morning_  even came to film an interview with him one cold October weekend at our Hamptons house.

"How are you taking this new image in the public that's so different from who you've been? Now you're a caring and doting father and grandfather," the journalist asked.

"There's nothing new about who I am as a father. I've always been a caring and doting father over Alexis, the media wasn't concerned with showing that side of me," Dad said, shrugging it off. "Of course, I didn't want the media digging in her life, either. The media liked the playboy and womanizing image and insisted on portraying me that way. I've always been very involved in Alexis's life. She was always my first concern, I never had a nanny for her, I raised her myself, and I've had full custody of her since she was six when her mother and I divorced. I've always tried to protect her, but the way the world is progressing, there's not much privacy to be had these days, especially now that she's an adult. People pay attention to what they want. They ignored that I had a child and just wanted to focus on only a few areas of my life; my love life and my professional life. That's only a portion of who I am. I'm a family man, a gadget geek, a supporter of the arts and literacy, and an enthusiastic nerd, too. I have a lot of interests, actually. I'm not afraid to get excited about something or show my excitement over it. I've been a family-oriented person since Alexis came into my life, even when it was just the two of us. The media was aware I had a child, but chose not to portray me as a parent. Now that a big life event happened for me that a lot of people feel the need to weigh in on and want to make controversial, they're surprised that I have a passionate response on the subject. I've always been passionate about my family. That's never changed. I may be the product of a single parent home, my daughter is too, but I've always been a family man. It's who I am."

In the wake of Dad's publicity, I wrote a few blogs, but they didn't get a lot of views until Dad tweeted about how proud he was of me for writing about my experiences as a new mom. His image as a millionaire playboy was transforming to a proud and feminist father and grandparent. The media always cited back to his blog announcing my pregnancy.

Thanksgiving was pretty low-key; Kate and Dad did all the cooking, I made a dessert of apple crumble, and Grams and Jim Beckett came over. Once we finished dinner, we began to decorate the Christmas tree while Jim wanted to watch the football games. Jim Beckett held Lily, distracted by her, and once she investigated him for long enough, she gave him a grin that made me laugh and melted his heart. Lily's personality was developing: she was a little bit of a clown and flirt. "Can you believe this baby?" he asked, like a proud grandfather. The football game was of no concern for him anymore; Lily had his full attention.

"She's one of us, of course she's charming," Grams wrote it off.

"What else can you do, Lily Bean?" he asked her.

"She can't roll over, yet," I admitted. "She'll get onto her side, but hasn't followed through."

"I remember when Katie was this little," Jim said. "She was this cute. Maybe cuter."

"Maybe," Kate said. "I still think Lily's the cutest!"

* * *

We were in the home stretch before Dad and Kate's wedding. Kate confessed something to me after we had the last dress fitting at Allison Conway.

"I want to get pregnant on the honeymoon," she said.

"You really think you will?" I asked.

"Wanna know something?" she asked. "Your father and I have already been trying. I don't mind the idea of being pregnant at my own wedding, but nothing yet. I think it's just a matter of time, though."

"You really want a baby that badly?"

She nodded. "I didn't even think about how many tries we were going to have try. But I hope this month, I'm ready."

"You really want that?" I asked. "It's so soon!"

"I've never been superstitious, but I'm beginning to wonder if there's something to this getting pregnant thing."

"There wasn't for me."

"Definitely not!" she agreed.

* * *

After a Christmas in East Hampton, Dad and Kate's wedding preparations started despite the snow. The workers came to our Hamptons house and erected a huge number of connected tents in the backyard all they way around the pool to overseeing the ocean. It was like a circus, even though there were less than 125 guests invited. A lot of Kate's family came in, and she had this one male cousin from Cincinnati that was incredibly obnoxious and got drunk at the rehearsal dinner. He came over to me as I was sitting in the corner, nursing Lily under a blanket, the ice cubes in his glass clinking. "You know your kid is bastard, right?" he slurred.

"Hey!" Detective Esposito cried, hearing him before I could respond. Esposito stabbed a finger in his direction. "You need to back off. Not cool."

"Just stating the obvious,  _bro_."

"I'm not your  _bro_ , alright?"

"Alright!" he said, holding his hands up in the air while backing off. "Stay cool! Stay cool!"

"Dick," I muttered. Lily was not interested in feeding tonight. I'd have to do it in the bathroom or when we got back to the hotel we were setting up the bridal dressing room in later.

"I'm sorry, Alexis," Detective Esposito said.

"Kate warned me about him," I said. "People are going to judge."

"They always do."

"No biggie. Lily's a little too distracted tonight," I admitted, removing her from under the blanket. I needed to get my breast back into my top under the blanket. Esposito turned around and blocked the view of me to the other party guests, thankfully.

"You know, you're going to be an NYPD kid tomorrow night," he said. "That means I'm morally obligated to stick up for you when people act like an ass around you."

"You don't have to," I said, resituating my swollen breast back into my nursing bra. "I'm a grown woman who can fight her own battles."

"No, you're not. You're family, now."

"Nice to hear. Thanks." He helped me up and escorted Lily and me back into the party.

* * *

Lily had finally started rolling over and giggling and laughing at the funny noises, like raspberries, she made herself. We thought it was hysterical. So far, she was a healthy, happy baby with her red hair sticking out in wispy twists who charmed everyone. Much to my relief, she was sleeping through the night. I was thankful for this, seeing as she didn't wake Lainey or Kate up. Finally! A night of uninterrupted sleep for me!

I woke up to Lainey and Kate entertaining Lily. I felt so rested, I was tired again.

"Good morning," Kate said, the excitement in her voice. "I'm just going to brush my teeth and we can get some coffee. Ann is on her way!"

"I slept too much," I said. "I'm tired again. When did Lily wake up?"

"About an hour ago. She's had a bottle and her diaper's been changed, haven't you, Lily Bean?" Kate cooed, kissing her. Lilly was sitting up beside Kate, still in her pajamas.

"What do you want her to wear for the bridesmaid luncheon?" Lainey asked.

"It's a green velvet dress," I said. "It's in the closet. The tights go with it."

"Okay," Lainey said. "I'll dress her."

"You like babies, Lainey?" I asked.

"She does," Kate answered for her.

"So what if I do?" Lainey muttered, picking up the dress and taking Lily over to the bed to lay her down. "Babies are cute!"

"Do you want one? She's really tiresome. And she poops a lot."

"You're going to have to work on your sales skills."

"Fine, fine. I'm going to get in the shower," I said, throwing the covers back.

"We'll bring some coffee back for you," Kate said.

I took a long, hot shower, not worrying about my baby being in the play pen or vibrating chair, waiting on me. When I got out, I took a long time to dry my hair and put on some lotion, sometimes I didn't have the time for much lately. After dressing, I sat down and read the newspaper, texting Kate to take her time, no rush. She texted back saying that Paul and Ann had arrived from the city and were checking in. I brushed my teeth and put on my shoes to go downstairs to the coffee shop to meet them.

Ann had Lily in her lap, grinning and Paul was making faces at Lily to entertain her. Lily was was laughing so hard, everyone else in the coffee shop was watching and smiling, too.

"There's Mommy!" Ann cried, slipping her hands under Lilly's arms and lifting her up to me. She grinned at me and squealed.

"Hi!" I cried, picking her up. "Having fun?"

"She was," Paul said.

"Where's Kate?" I asked. "And Lainey?"

"Getting your coffee!" Kate called, carrying a small coffee over to me. "I hope you enjoyed your morning without baby."

"I did," I said.

"We're going to get going to the bridesmaids brunch," Kate said.

"You've got Lily's baby bag?" I asked.

"Alright, let's go," Kate said. Lainey drove us to the restaurant and we sat down. I ordered another coffee and brunch was served.

"So what are your plans when you go back to school, Alexis?" Ann asked.

"That depends on when Kate and Dad have their baby," I said.

Ann and Lainey exchanged a glance and then looked at Kate.

"No, I'm not pregnant," Kate said. "But I really hope I get pregnant on my honeymoon in Fiji."

"In three weeks, you better get pregnant!" Lainey cried.

"I think we've just been under so much pressure with this wedding, we haven't had any luck yet."

"You're already trying?" Lainey asked. "Why didn't I get to know this?"

"I've been keeping it a secret," Kate said. "But there's no rush to get Alexis and Lily out. I love having them around."

"There's not going to be room for us and a new baby when it comes," I said. "We'll move out soon. I'm considering family housing and getting my own place."

"No, you're not!" Kate cried, offended.

"The agreement was I would move in with you until I had my baby and then, when I was ready, we'd reconsider the arrangement."

"Can I just say I love you so much and I want you around, Alexis? Lily too? Our house is going to be so empty if you leave!"

"We'll talk about it after the honeymoon's over," I offered. "Don't worry about. I haven't signed and contracts, nothing's set in stone, yet."

"Yet...  _yet_ ," Kate muttered. "I would be so upset if I came home from my honeymoon and you and Lily were gone!"

"You'd die a little inside?" I joked.

"Yes. A little."

After the brunch/luncheon, we went back to Dad's house and got the beauty treatment for the wedding with the professionals. I dressed Lily, and then we played pass-the-baby until I was dressed. We waited and when Kate came out in her dress, we all gasped.

"You look amazing," I admitted.

"No cold feet, right?" Lainey asked.

"None," Kate said. "Most women have these moments right before they get married, don't they?"

We all shrugged. "No idea," Ann admitted. "It's never scared me to think about forever with Paul."

"What's wrong with me, right?" Kate asked, sounding concerned. "I should be scared. Nervous! The only thing I'm scared about is that Castle's not going to meet me at the end the aisle."

I would like that. To be so sure and confident. I knew I'd have had cold feet with Pi had I had married him. I realized all my fears of being unmarried and single mom didn't make sense anymore. I'd prefer to be unmarried and pregnant than committing my whole life to a man I had doubts over. I was so happy I wasn't going to be the wife of someone I felt  _meh_  about. When the excitement had worn off from the novelty of sex with Pi, that's how I felt about him. He was a  _meh_  person to begin with. On the plus side, I had gotten Lily out of that.

At the same time, I felt a lump in my throat. Kate was going to be Dad's forever wife. Deep down, I knew it. He wouldn't have pursued her for so long if that wasn't the case. She would be my forever stepmother. And she'd forever be Lily's step-grandmother. Maybe there wasn't supposed to be half and step, just whole. And I was so happy, I wanted to cry.

I didn't want her to see me crying on her wedding day. I pushed Lily into Ann's arms and I stood up, avoiding looking at her. "I'm going to go call and check on Dad."

"Alright," Kate said, holding her arms out for me. "Alexis?" That was it; I could only hope I didn't cry my professional make-up off. She couldn't move, so I went over to her and hugged her. "I'm so excited about being family with you," she whispered in my ear.

"Me too." She hugged me for a long time. "I love you."

"I love you too."

I went to the bedroom and called Dad. He was at the house.

"How are you feeling, Dad?" I asked.

"Nervous. Jumpy. Sick to my stomach."

"Don't feel that way. Kate's ready. She's beautiful. She's ready to get married."

* * *

I came down the aisle and saw my father at the end; he looked terrified. I winked at him. His brow relaxed and he finally smiled at me. It was all going to be okay.

Pachabel's  _Cannon in D_  started and the doors opened; the doors opened from the sunroom leading out into the tents, and Kate was standing there with her father. I looked back at Dad, and I saw everything, his posture, his expression, everything, turn to relief. She was beaming on Jim's arm, and I knew everything was going to be okay.

Lily squealed in excitement in Gram's arms and I couldn't help but smile at her.

For once, I hoped this marriage was Dad's forever marriage. I loved Kate, and she had been the best mother I had ever had. I hated saying that about my own mother, but Kate had been a best friend and my rock this year. I wanted her in my family.

Finally, after the pastor gave the speech about marriage, he turned to Dad and handed each of them a ring. "Richard Edgar Alexander Castle, do you take Katherine to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as you both shall live?"

"Always," Dad said, slipping the ring on her finger.

"Katherine Houghton Beckett, do you take Richard to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as you both shall live?"

"Always," Kate said, putting the ring on Dad's finger.

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife. You may kiss the bride. Ladies and gentleman, may introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Richard Castle."

* * *

We watched as Dad and Kate had their first dance to Frank Sinatra's  _Always,_ and Lily squirmed in my arms. For a moment in time, we were so happy. Life was so perfect, especially after this year. I looked at my phone as I opened it to take a picture; and I saw the date.

December 27th.

On this date last year, I was taking a pregnancy test, I was avoiding Dad, lying to him, avoiding the hard truths in my life by smoking entirely too much weed, and my relationship with Pi started falling apart. Funny how many things could change in a year. I was so happy, not just for Lily and me, but for my parents. They waited so long to get married, and now it had happened. I didn't want to miss a moment of this wedding, I wanted to remember everything.

The first dance was over, and I expected Jim to take Kate's hand and lead her in the father-daughter dance, but familiar strains of an orchestra came through the loudspeakers. Dad came up to me and held out a hand. "Alexis?"

Lainey came over. "Let me the baby," she said softly, taking Lily out of my arms.

"Dad?" I asked, feeling tears filling my eyes. Steven Tyler's voice filtered through the speakers as the familiar lyrics of _I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing_  started. "Dad, you didn't tell me about this!"

"Will you dance with me?" he asked.

I saw Jim taking Kate's hand to lead her out onto the dance floor and she gestured to me to join them. I saw a look of pain and love on Jim's face as he looked at Kate through the blur of my tears, and then I looked at Dad. "You didn't tell me you had this planned."

"It's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is permission, you know that, you're a Castle."

I chuckled and wiped my tears. "Will you do this for Lily when she gets married?" I asked.

"You don't want me to do it for you?" he asked. "When you get married?"

I almost said something self-depricating about never being marriage material again, but I shut my mouth. "Yeah, I do," I said.

* * *

The reception was a blast, and we partied the night away.

The good thing about a one-shoulder dress was that breast-feeding was easy access before the wedding party was presented.

Lily fell asleep halfway through the toasts, and I left her in her carrier behind the main table so I could dance and enjoy myself. I checked back on her every other song, though. Lily slept through most of the dancing and partying, and then the dreaded bouquet toss happened.

"Could this be any embarrassing?" Ann joked. She was engaged, but Kate's crazy aunt (also from Cincinnati) forced her to get into the group. "Yeah, let's just line up the single ladies."

"You better catch that bouquet, Alexis!" that drunk cousin yelled. I wanted to punch him (or flip him off), but Kate said he was a douchebag since birth, practically, not to pay him any mind.

"Ha ha ha," I said, glowering at him.

"I wanna slap that bastard," Lainey said in my ear. "Oof!" Lainey got smacked in the face with the bouquet, and it practically landed in her hands.

"Lainey, you caught it!" I cried, registering what just happened.

"No, I didn't-"

"That was only a practice toss, I didn't mean to let go!" Kate cried.

"But it counts!" I cried. "It counts! Lainey's getting married, next!"

"Oh hell no," Lainey muttered, glaring at the flowers.

* * *

As the evening was ending, I picked up my sleeping child and held her close. I took her upstairs once Kate told me she was getting dressed to leave the reception and was going to need a little help with the dress. Dad and Kate were going to a secret hotel location and in the morning, they were flying out to Fiji. The wedding guests were lining up with sparklers in the cold driveway in front of the house. I carefully put Lily down in the crib and turned on the white noise machine and the space heater and then the baby monitor. I took the other end of the baby monitor next door in the master bedroom, where Kate staring at herself in her wedding dress in the full-length mirror, fidgeting with her wedding band. The traveling dress, a grey halter-neck cocktail dress with ruffles down the neckline and a matching belt with a rose hung on the closet door.

"Hi," she said, seeing me.

"You look so pretty," I said.

"Oh, thanks," she said, looking down at her dress and shrugging. "I'm the bride, I'm supposed to be pretty, right?"

"Yep."

She sighed and fidgeted with it. A few drinks and  _hors d'oeuvres_  had been sloshed on it in the night, and the stains were lining the edges and back of the skirt, but the effect wasn't lost. "I'm going to miss you and Lily for the next three weeks."

"I'll miss you, too," I admitted. "But you'll find fun stuff to do in Fiji."

She smirked. "I sure will."

"Ew! That's my dad!"

"Sorry," she said. "This has been the best night of life. I don't want to take this wedding dress off."

"I don't blame you."

She wrapped her arms around me again. "It turned out better than I ever thought," she admitted. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too. You've been a better mother to me than my own mom."

"I have?"

I nodded, still in her arms. "Yeah, you have. I'm so happy you're my father's wife."

"I wouldn't mind being your mother. If you want me to be."

"I do. I really do, Kate."

"I can't take Meredith's place-"

"She's got a place all her own," I admitted.

We laughed and held each other and cried for a few minutes. It felt good. I hadn't had a mom growing up, but here she was. What kind of mistakes would I have not made if she had been? All the mistakes and time that it took to become dad's wife had been part of the journey. On all of our parts.

"I've got to get changed," she finally said. "Can you get the buttons in the back?"

"Sure," I said, letting her go. I carefully undid each of the delicate buttons running down her back until it came down past her hips and she was able to step out of it. "You looked so beautiful in your wedding dress. It was the right choice."

"It was. I felt really beautiful in it. Look, you can call us in Fiji, we'll have cell service," she said, changing out of her strapless bra into a halter one and taking off her white opaque panty hose to put on some more flattering black sheer ones. "We've left cash on the office desk for you to get anything you need, and you've got your emergency credit card, especially when it comes to the first day of school."

"The babysitter's all lined up," I said. "I'll make it to the first day of school, we'll be fine."

"And if anything goes wrong, we'll hop the first flight back. We'll probably get island fever and leave early." I helped her dress in into the travel dress and she changed shoes and put on a cardigan. "I'm so proud of you and Lily, Alexis. I really am. The two of you really changed my life and… I can't wait for forever with you two and your Dad."

"We need to get you downstairs," I said, helping up with hanging up her wedding dress to get cleaned and preserved. "It's almost midnight. Dad's waiting on you."

"You don't mind supervising the clean up?" Kate asked, putting on her coat. "The wedding planner can do it for you."

"Nah, I know this house better than she does. I'm waiting to see if Lily will wake up sometime in the night anyway. Might as well."

"You're really the best," she said, stepping into a black pair of Louboutons. "I always told Castle he was so lucky to have a daughter like you. Come on, you've got to come downstairs to see us off," she took my hand and we went downstairs where Dad and Jim were waiting in the kitchen.

"Hi," I said.

"The space heaters are on out there," Jim said. "You want to say good-bye to your dad and Katie alone?"

"No," I said. "That's okay-"

The wedding planner bustled through. "We've got to get the two of you out to the car! Come on, let's go!" Jim took my arm and we ran out to the front drive where the wedding guests were lining up with sparklers to send them off. We didn't get to grab sparklers and before we knew it, Dad and Kate were coming down the aisle to the waiting limo.

"Dad!" I shouted as they passed. "Bye!" They looked so perfect in the light. I wanted to remember them like this forever. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the line. At the end, there was a limo.

"I love you," he said, pulling me into a hug. Kate gave me one more hug before she climbed into the lmo. "Give Lily our love. We'll be home in three weeks, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy. I love you, too."

"Call Grams if you get lonely," he said. "We'll have cell service at the resort, so call us. But not too often."

"I won't."

"There's money in my office and your emergency credit card-"

"Got it!"

"And take tons of pictures of Lily. I don't want to miss anything about her!"

"I will! Promise!"

"Bye."

"Bye, Dad. 'Bye, Kate! I love you both!"

He ducked into the car and the door shut. Detective Esposito came up behind me and put his jacket on my shoulders, which I graciously accepted. "I'll get this back to you!" I promised.

"Keep it as long as you'd like," he said, going back into the house with Lainey.

I stood in the driveway as the wedding guests dispersed and went back to the tent to get their purses and jackets and the valets began to get the cars lined up. The taillights of the limo disappeared around the trees, and I pulled Javi's tux jacket tighter around myself.

And then, I saw him at the treeline. A solitary older man with a beard, he was watching the house. He lit a sparkler and held it up in the night.

Was he a wedding guest? What was he doing so far out near the trees? For a moment, a thought filled my heart, and I ran out into the snow in my open-toe pumps towards him.

By the time I reached him, his sparkler extinguished and a cloud had covered the moon temporarily and he was hidden in the shadows for only a moment. The cloud over the moon disappeared, and I saw that he was gone, but a pair of footsteps were fresh in the snow along with something else.

I knelt down to see it was a card, a poker card. I picked it up and flipped it over.

The Queen of Hearts. The third Queen in the deck.

I held it to my chest for a moment, shivering in the cold. I had to get this jacket back to Javier, and to get out of this dress and into some comfy clothes, to direct the clean-up crew.

Grams greeted me at the house. We huddled by one of the outdoor spaceheaters in the driveway, and warmed up. I didn't dare tell her about the card.

"Why don't you go to the guest house and go to sleep? It's late."

"My greydar spotted a few handsome, single, eligible men in my age range, I'm going to an after party in town to have a few drinks."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," I joked. "Of course, I can't say that anymore."

Gram laughed. "Oh kid, you've got a lot you probably haven't done yet. That comes with time."

"I'm in no rush to get married," I admitted, thinking of seeing Kate, so confident and sure she was doing the right thing earlier today before walking down the aisle. "Unless I'm sure. And that I won't get cold feet."

Grams chuckled. "Here's to hoping."

"In the mean time, I'll have lots and lots of sex unapologetically. In my dreams."

"Well, kid, you can always find someone who wants to take your clothes off, but finding someone who will put them back on in the morning? That's the key. Goodnight, my darling. Sleep tight."

* * *

Around four in the morning, I was finished with directing the clean-up crew, and I finally got to bed. Out of compulsion, I went to the library and picked out a book to read, and took it upstairs to my room.

_"The scent of smoke and sweat are nauseating at three in the morning. Then the soul-erosion produced by high gambling- a compost of greed and fear and nervous tension- becomes unbearable and the sense awake and revolt from it…"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TO BE CONTINUED IN LITTLE LION MAN...


End file.
